// I am feeling very guilty...?
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Anonymous
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« on: Oct 22, 2010 09:43 AM »


Assalaamualaikum every one.

I happened to go through this site a couple of times and I found it very dedicated and sincere in propagating the true message of islam subhanallah!!

I do plan to join as a full member in near future and hope to take part wholeheartedly in the activities and discussions on various topics inshallalh.But it is just that I do not find much time to spend on my computer due to my carrier commitments.Hence the delay.

My purpose of posting this message is that I currently need all the member's valuable advice and suggestion regarding one of the major incidents that stirred my life completely and has brougt unsurmountable dispair to me.
Your help will be appreciated and May Allah grant you all a very blessed life and hereafter.

My problem goes sumthing like this-

I am a 25 yr old female professional in india.My life has always been dedicated to studies,books and extracurricular activities.Alhamdullillah I have done very well in my education and professional activities.I emphasise this to make you familiar with may background and to help you judge this matter better.

I know am not a good muslim,but I try my best to stick to the valus of islam and have always tried to lead my life the islamic way and Allah knows better.(May Allah help all of us to live a righteous life and reward our efforts and forgive us our sins.Ameen)

It is just that-
My family is very small consisting of my parents and my two sisters.We have just one uncle  with two sons from the paternal side and just one aunt with one son  from the maternal side.And we are not  in vey close contact with any other relatives here as either they are distantly related or settled abroad.

Although we value the relationship of our cousins my parents have always asked us to maintain a distance from them as they are of the opposite gender,and Allah knows that we have tried our best to do that.

But recently I had to face a soul stirring sutation which I cannot discuss with any of my family members.
My Aunt's (mother's sister) unmarried son who has his own business abroad was on a vaccation.Hence he made several visits to our house to meet my mother and all of us.It was during this time that he asked me my phone number as he had some professional suggestion to be taken from me.
He called me after few days and discussed the work which I could help him with.This was not known to my parents and I did not tell them merely thinking that  it was not necessary and after all it was  just a professional talk and I do it with many of my collegues so its no harm doing it with my cousin whom our family values so much.

It was during these talks one day that he proposed marriage to me.He said that he likes me from the past 13 years and that my nature and disposition had always impressed him.He said that he did not dare to put this proposal in front of my parents because if denied it could cause harm to the much cherished relationship of my parents.He wanted to know my decision so that he may take necessary steps furthur.

I was shoked.I was in a fix.I knew this guy from my childhood.And he ineed had a very good nature and there was no major reason to reject him outright.I did not know what to do.I asked him to give me time to think about it.
I did not know him fully and was not aware of his way of thinking and what kind of life is he expecting after marriage etc.So on my friend's suggestion I decided to know more about him and started interacting with him on my phone.
Allah knows that I always asked him basic islamic questions in the initail days and he was very impressive in his answers.But unfortunately we began growing fond of each other and grew close and our interaction grew informal.This lasted for about a month.But now comes the problem.

This made me immensly guilty as I had never done anything in life without my parents being aware of it. I was kind of burried in the avalanche of emotions which my cousin had recently instilled in me and  the fact that my parents did not know about this was killing me.Yet I could not decide what answer I should give to him as I had discoverd various new traits in him which I was not very sure would go for or against me in future.I was confused.

I performed various duas and asked for Allah's help in this regard.And believe me,due to some silly reasons  my mother suspected if my cousin's  intensions were to ask my hand in marriage.I was shocked.It could only be a miracle that Allah could create such circumstances as I was totally confused.I saw that as an oppertunity granted by Allah to ask my mother of her opinion in this regard.May be it was my mistake or betrayal to my cousin,but I told my mother everything.This was mostly because I have never done any such thing in life which my parents would not approve of.

She was worried and said that I was a professional and he was not and that this might create various problems in future.Also that the way our family approaches life is different from them and that our core thinking does not match and that she would never give my hand to him in marriage inspite of knowing all the facts.She denied the proposal and said that she was my mother and she knew life more than me and she wants best for me and my cousin,and she could never even dream of such relationship.She said she loved that family dearly as my cousin's mother is her sister but would not like to establish any other relationship with them.

My parent's opinion is very valuable to me.So with a heavy heart I rejected my cousin's proposal but did not tell him that I was the one who told my mother everything.But I let him know that my mother herself found out about our situation(as I felt I had betrayed him).

Now that every thing is over.....I feel uneasy....He is not coming home as freely as he used to....and my conscience is killing me and I am in dispair.I am feeling that I had dragged the matter unnecessarily for a month. I have played with this guy's emotions and also betrayed him.I am also feeling guilty that I have betratyed my parents and have displeased Allah by interacting  freely with a non-mehram for a month.Upon that may be I have caused some uneasiness in the relationship of the two families.

Please advice advice me what to do....How can I seek Allah's forgiveness?What can I do to maintain healthy relationship between two families.Please suggest me the way to come out of this mental trauma...as  honestly I had gone with the flow and I too had stared developing feelings for him and had done very informal interaction with him and I feel I have commited a sin and have displeased Allah.

And I think I cannot face this guy anymore as he is embarresed and has decided to never come to our house again.I feel really cheap,selfish and aa  filthy deceiver to him and my family.And a sinner in front of Allah.

Please help me get over this matter and please advice on all the necessary steps to  bring things back to normal and to seek  Allah's forgiveness  in this regard.

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Fozia
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« Reply #1 on: Oct 22, 2010 12:41 PM »

salam


First of all, why on earth are you shouldering all the guilt and blame?

Your cousin made the overtures, he was the one who opened the door.

Go easy on yourself.

However the feelings you are currently going thro are a very good reason why interacting with the opposite gender is best kept to the minimum and business like. Also next time, make sure your family is fully involved so you dont get to a stage of being deeply emotionally bonded with the person before your parents approval.

Pray salat, ask Allah to help you let go, and forgive yourself.

Your cousin will get over it, time is a great healer, in the mean time it is prolly best for your healing that your cousin stay away from you all for a while.

In the meantime I'm sure we will all rmeember you in our duas inshallah, and I hope Allah rewards your patience with a worthy spouse, one who makes you and your family all very happy too inshallah.



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
Sarah Amena
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« Reply #2 on: Oct 22, 2010 05:24 PM »

Assalam Alaikum Dear Sister,

I wholeheartedly agree with Sister Fozia, you should not be shouldering this much guilt!  However it goes to show what a pure heart and good conscience you have, Alhamdulillah!

I can definitely understand why he is staying away from you and your family, rejection hurts…  The only thing you can do right now is dua and have patience.  When it comes to matters of the heart, prayer and time are the only healers.  
 InshAllah once the feelings fade your relations will return to some sense of normalcy.  Your guilt isn’t’ helping the situation at all… guilt is a way of self-punishment; however it’s not benefitting you. Instead try increasing your devotion to Allah SWT, offer more salah, do voluntary fasting and give some sadaqah.  Based on my limited knowledge of Islam, once you commit a sin, immediately and sincerely ask for forgiveness and then follow up the bad deed with a good deed.  It’s a blessing that you have such a tender heart and you feel so bad for hurting your cousin and your family.

It might help to ask your mother for forgiveness for doing all of this without her consent or knowledge. It is such humbling and benefitting experience to ask for forgiveness from a person, SubanAllah.

 I pray that Allah SWT makes this difficult time easier on you and everyone involved.  
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« Reply #3 on: Oct 24, 2010 03:18 PM »

Walaikum Asalam,

I fully agree with the two posts above me. There is no need for having so much guilt but like sis Fowzia said, it does show how clean of a heart you have.

If you're worried about hurting your cousin, you really shouldn't be. Guys get over things much more easily and faster than the female counterparts. Give it time inshAllah everything will be ok.

Assalamu Alaikum
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« Reply #4 on: Oct 25, 2010 07:57 PM »

Asa sister, hope things are much better and clearer for you now. you are extremely looking things did not go futher the phone calls. in this age these kind of relationships or experiences are far too common. due to upbringing and current culture you tend to develop two kinds of feeling i suppose one that pulls you towards the situation and one that pushes you away from the situation. both can be used by shaytaan to damage you.

when we look in the quran it says pray to Allah for forgiveness and he will forgive you. you have to accept this and move on, leave the situation behind. get yourself involve with other activities and keep your mind busy, whenever you think of the situation immediately think of something else. think of positive thoughts.

As for your cousin not coming anymore this should not be a problem for you. firstly he is not your marham and you should not really mix with male relatives/non marhams there should be seperate gatherings for these very reasons. if he does not come it says more about him than you.

if he could not face rejection he should not have approached you in the first place. this is a very indian way, far too emotional approach to life changing deciscion. if he liked you for 13 years and to scared to ask is very childish more of an infatuation and one sided.

We all should be prepared for all possible answers to what we want and not expect to get what we want, and if things dont turn in our favour we should hold no grudges and wish the best for the other.

i hope that helps wa


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« Reply #5 on: Oct 27, 2010 11:06 PM »

As salaam o aley kum,
I am also from India, and interestingly 25 years old too. Though I am married and am also not a working professional I can understand your situation very well. For someone in a close knit family like yours doing something so significant without parents knowledge is very likely to end up so delimatic but now be contend about one thing----that now your mother knows. Secondly even if you had not told your mother now at some point it would have come to your parents and then they would have taken this decision of not marrying u into that family...so the rejection had to happen either ways. You have no role in the rejection. So far about telling yr mother without cousins knowledge goes its just taht your truthfulness to your parents must come before truthfulness and faithfullness to anybody else....so there also no harm done.....u did the right thing.
Just as sister fozia and sr. amena said you should not be shouldering so much guilt. You are in the midst of storm so u dont know what the situation looks from above. We are looking at it from above and its absolutely fine and normal. Dont u know what kind of things people intentionally  do these days.......what u did was just an innocent mistake. But yes do take lesson for the next time in matters of dealing with the opp sex that do not let them close to u as sister fozia said.
just let it all rest and let the time take over........
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