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Author Topic: Not A Day Goes By....  (Read 5208 times)
UmmWafi
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« on: Feb 26, 2008 10:20 AM »


 salaam

Back in the old board, I remember reading Sr Kathy's post on her experience and thoughts when she went through the "bathing" of the janazah of a sister she knew.  I thought she wrote beautifully and her insights and advices were certainly very thought-provoking.  Still, at the back of my mind was always the doubt as to whether I would be strong enough to go through with it when a loved one pass away.  That was before my late mother was stricken with the relapsed cancer.

The painful day came and I had 6 hours to contemplate and decide whether I wanted to go through with the motion of performing cleansing and ablutions for my late mom.  It was difficult.  I guess my biggest hurdle would be my fear that it would be too much for me to handle and that I would break down, thus rendering my presence useless, let alone humiliating.

Still, when the sisters in charge of performing the rites came and asked who the deceased's daughter was, I knew I couldn't fail my late mom.  I am her only daughter, I am the sole witness that she was being prepared properly for her final journey to meet Allah SWT.  I took a deep breath, strengthened my resolve and told them I was ready.

I am glad I made that decision.  Subhanallah, the experience was humbling, poignant, painful and beautiful, all at the same time. Washing her hair, with her lying inert and serene, I imagined how it must have been like for her, holding a baby-me in her arms all those years ago, gently and tenderly washing my innocent head, reciting verses all the while, so I will grow up true and good.  No matter how lovingly I wash the soap off her hair, I know it wouldn't measure up to the loving caress she gave me, with each stroke a promise to care and protect me.  I was also reminded of the times she would hold my eldest born, her first grandchild, as she kissed him and splash water lovingly all over his trusting body.  I tried so hard to swallow my sobs, tried so hard to prevent my tears from spilling over, not wanting to begrudge her this process of preparing herself to meet her Creator.  I never knew that it would be the most difficult thing I have had to do.

As we draped her body with the white cloths, I was so close to throwing myself on her and pleading with her to wake up, to tell me she would be here for me, like before, like always.  Telling me that my time with her has not ended.  I guess it is because she looked so peaceful and beautiful, that one could almost believe that she was just sleeping.  Looking at her in all her purity, dressed all in white to journey to Allah SWT, it reminded me of the morning she was preparing to go for hajj.  She did her ablutions and read her du'ahs and she wore the white jubah specially tailored for the pilgrims.  She was so excited, telling me that she was so happy wearing them, that her dreams were finally coming true.  Back then, she also was preparing herself to journey to Allah SWT, in submission to the last pillar of Islaam. But she came back. This time, she is dressed for a journey that will take her away for all eternity...

After all is done, I kissed her forehead and stared at her face for some time.  My beautiful mother is at rest. She is at peace after a long struggle with pain. She looked so calm, so beautiful and so serene that I didnt have the heart to be sad at her passing.  After so long of accepting Allah's will for her and facing them with tawakkul and redha and sabr, He has finally blessed her with eternal rest and peace.  And that is the best wish a daughter can have for her mother.....even if it meant that the daughter has to accept the loss of a protector, friend and soulmate. Accept the loss of a mother who before, was the fulcrum of all her sacrifices, fears, strengths, loves, loss...the centre of her universe.

Not a day goes by that I didn't miss her. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for Allah for the Mercy He has shown....for my loss, is her reward.

Innalillahi wainnalillahi raaji'oon. 
In loving memory of my mother
Hatijah Bte Alam
1950 - 2008
I love you mom.

Wassalam
Jaihoon
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« Reply #1 on: Feb 26, 2008 11:26 AM »

"for my loss, is her reward."

True...

May Allah bless her with jannah. Death of close ones awaken us to truths which are otherwise buried in books. Strange we think so little about a topic disucssed in one-third of Quran!

without death life wud hav no meaning.


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« Reply #2 on: Feb 27, 2008 06:21 AM »

 :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Our duas are with you sis.

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« Reply #3 on: Feb 27, 2008 10:15 PM »

Asslamo Alaykum

May Allah swt give you and your family patience over the loss of your beloved mother, and may Allah swt grant her a place in Jannat al Firdaus Ameen.
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« Reply #4 on: Feb 28, 2008 05:58 PM »

As-Salaamu `alaykum,
Dear Sr. UmmWafi,

Masha'Allah you are so strong... I always pray that I'II be the first to leave this dunya [before the people I love] especially my beloved mom because I honestly do not think I can take losing her. rose

May I never see the day insha'Allah.

Ameen ya rab,
W`salaam.

"Do not treat people with contempt, nor walk insolently on the earth. Allah does not love the arrogant or the self-conceited boaster. Be modest in your bearing and subdue your voice, for the most unpleasant of voices is the braying of the ass." [The Holy Qur'an, Surah Luqman - 31:18-19]
ume bilal
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« Reply #5 on: Feb 29, 2008 12:41 AM »

Assalamo Ailkum.UmmWaafi
It was so beautiful to read what you have written......I am older than your mother and have often discussed this with my only daughter....as I have no sisters or relatives except for my children.....My daughter always responds and says Mum this is one thing I will not be able to do.
You have been a wonderful daughter to what was clearly a very loving mother.You carried out a difficult task with love and dignity.
May Allah bless you and give you sabr.
Inallhi wainalhi raji 'hoon.
Salaams.
JJ
UmmWafi
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« Reply #6 on: Feb 29, 2008 11:04 AM »

 peace be upon you everyone

Thank you for your support and encouraging words..

Sis Siham :

You know, I have always felt like that.  I thought that if I were to die first, I would be spared the pain of losing a loved one.  But that obviously didnt happen Smiley I lost my mom instead, someone who was so integral to my existence.  The pain was excruciating and the loss tremendous but then I made a realisation.  Even though I have lost her, I still have my children to care for and that gave me strength.  I still have my work and that kept me busy. I imagine how it would be like for her if she lost me.  I am her child, the person she gave birth to, the person she nurtured and cared for all these years..and to have that taken away from her, what can she turn to ? I lost my 35 year old cousin 5 months before I lost my mother.  The grief on my aunt's and uncle's faces were too overwhelming to look upon. Each day since her passing, I feel as if the joy of life also seep slowly out of them.  When they came for my mom's funeral, the pain of losing their child seared fresh.  I guess for our parents, losing us would take away some meaning from their life with little opportunities to create new meanings. I hope I am not being too "ramblish" here.

Sis Ume Bilal :

My du'ah that your daughter will find the strength and courage to be with her beloved mom till the very last seconds.  Through everything.

Wassalam
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« Reply #7 on: Mar 01, 2008 02:32 AM »

May Allah grant you sabr through this difficult time. My prayers are with my dear sister.
May Allah grant your mom paradise.
Ameen
umm ibraheem
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« Reply #8 on: Mar 01, 2008 05:05 AM »

Asalaamu alaikum,

Thank you so much for sharing that.  And I never really thought about the difference of losing a parent over losing a child, what you said is so true!

May Allah grant your mom jannatul firdaus. 
UmmWafi
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« Reply #9 on: Jun 24, 2009 02:51 PM »

Salam Bro Hassan

I am sorry I was unable to e-mail you earlier. I tried and couldn't get through to your e-mail. I am fine with reproducing this article in your magazine except I couldnt seem to access your magazine's website ? Need to know what the magazine is all about first before my consent can be givem.

Wassalam
ume bilal
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« Reply #10 on: Sep 04, 2009 01:31 AM »

Assalam Umm Wafi.
Reading this reflection again has given me comfort. Ramadaan  last year.I lost my adult son suddenly. I have three other adult children we are all heartbroken at this terrible loss. The tears still fall and I know as muslims we are not meant to mourn. If only it was possible to stop missing someone, or feeling sad as you know you will not hear their voice again, and it hurts so much.

I try so hard but both my husband and I are unable to shake this sadness off. I have previously posted about our difficulties coming to terms with this loss. I have posted anonymously as I have other problems which I raised on the board prior to this happening and feel someone may ID me.
What you wrote made me think of how my son must have been bathed by his brothers and although my husband was completely devastated he was able to help.
Please make duah for my son and that we will be able to recover.
Would you mind if I print what you have written to pass on to someone else?
May Allah bless and orotect you.
Salaams.

UmmWafi
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« Reply #11 on: Sep 05, 2009 11:20 AM »

Salam Sis UmeBilal

Subhanallah....no parent should ever bury their child. My heart goes out to you and your family. I pray that Allah SWT ease your sorrow and grief and grant you mercy and relief in this holiest of all months. You dont stop missing someone but instead of looking at that negatively think of it as a testament of how much you have loved that person...and still do.

You and your family are in my thoughts.  Feel free to print this if you think it will help someone else, inshallah.

Wassalam
ume bilal
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« Reply #12 on: Sep 06, 2009 10:49 PM »

Dear UmmWafi,
Thank you so much for your reply. My heart aches so much. I feel I will never know happines again. Please pray that Allah will grant Sabr to my husband and I.
May Allah bless you for your kind response.
Salaam.
Ume Bilal.
UmmWafi
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« Reply #13 on: Sep 07, 2009 10:52 AM »

Salam dear Sis UmeBilal

Let me share something with you. Last year, a few days before Eid, my colleague lost her beloved son. She was sleeping after tarawih and was woken by the police knocking on her door, asking her to identify her son's body. Subhanallah...I cannot imagine her feelings. To wake up in the month of Ramadan and to see her son lying bloodied by the road and saying yes to the police, that was my son. To make matters worse, police said they found his jacket on the 5th floor of the nearby flat. Speculations were rife. She is mashallah so very calm now. Yes she was devastated, didnt help she is a divorcee, but she is a different woman now. Accepting and in fact getting ready to go for her hajj this year.

When i asked her for her source of strength, she said "He isnt mine to keep. He is mine to love. I have loved him so much and now its time for him to feel Allah's love. I still miss him but I know I can always talk to him anytime anywhere. And he will listen."

I pray that I have sabr and strength like her and my du'ah that you are showered with strength and peace of heart to allow you to survive this.

Wassalam
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