// Sermon: Removing the Silence on Domestic Violence
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Cinders
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« on: Apr 25, 2011 05:05 AM »



السلام عليكم

I watched a film yesterday about the taboo of DV, & then found the follwing video on YouTube. It made very sad, I thought it was very powerful. I'm sure someone knows someone within their family, friends & accquaintances that suffers or has suffered with this.  What do you think? I'd like to hear your thoughts...

Check out this video on YouTube:
Sermon: Removing the Silence on Domestic Violence by Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
































وَلَسَوْفَ يُعْطِيكَ رَبُّكَ فَتَرْضَىٰ

And soon will your Lord give you so that you shall be well pleased.
Al Qur'an (93:5)
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« Reply #1 on: Apr 25, 2011 01:03 PM »

salam


Perhaps this should be essential viewing for all Muslims.

Unfortunately domestic violence is hugely prevalent in our communities. It's weirdly normalised and people tend to hold the woman responsible, that she is somehow repsonsible for her husbands actions, that's the general attitude in my experience....until it happens in your own family.

I went thro this, and my children now have contact with their father every fortnight at a contact centre as it's not safe for my girls to be alone with him.
Whilst I wait for my girls, I am with other mothers who's children are having contact with their fathers, and you know the majority are Muslim. And when the women tell me what they're going thro it makes a little bit of my heart die.

I'm lucky, I'm educated and solvent alhumdulillah, I know my legal rights Islamically, and thro the British legal system, almost every single one of the women I have met don't.

This is indeed a disease within our communities, it's tearing us apart.




Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #2 on: Apr 25, 2011 02:24 PM »

Walaykum Salam Sr Fozia. I know a sis who's going through the very same thing as you. Supervised Contact with the kids, & do you know what the sad thing is? The father/ex hubby was educated & exceptionally clever. Anyway, the man to this day doesn't see what he has done wrong. He doesn't believe a slap, or a kick is Domestic Violence. He doesn't believe that he's violent.

The British Justice system stinks sometimes! The guy has now got Unsupervised contact with his kids. The Judge in this particular sis's case blamed her, do you know why? Because she didn't tell anybody! She too is educated, & now she's being blamed! But as an Asian Muslim sis, she hid it from her family & everyone around her. She tried to make her marriage work & sis suffered in silence. Until it became unbearable, & she feared for her & kids lives. Then she told her family. Alhamdulillah her family was so shocked by this, but were very supportive of her decision to leave her Husband.  But did when she did finally speak out... Because of lack of eveidence, there's nothing she can do! Justice? Where's the justice in that? No wonder, Domestic Violence is hidden.
It just makes me really mad sometimes, that this guy despite what he did to this sis, is still annoying & pestering this sis
using the children to get to her. His rights to see the children has been given more importance than the fact he was abusive & could have potentially damaged the kids in the long-run. 

وَلَسَوْفَ يُعْطِيكَ رَبُّكَ فَتَرْضَىٰ

And soon will your Lord give you so that you shall be well pleased.
Al Qur'an (93:5)
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« Reply #3 on: Apr 25, 2011 02:56 PM »

salam


I was very very lucky, I went to the police near the end, and I also had eye witnesses to the bruises on my body (one being a white girl who I worked with, I feel her race was significant in giving my testimony credibility).

I had a fact finding hearing, where ex's barrister tried to make out I was lying as I had not told anyone about it, my barrister immediately dismissed this as it's well known that women suffering from domestic violence do not tell anyone, they hide it, they are ashamed, it takes a long long time before a woman leaves a violent relationship, this is why two women a week die from DV (or something insanely high like that).


I had to fight tooth and nail to prevent my girls being handed over to ex for unsupervised contact, each time I go to court I pray and make dua that Allah be the judge, he gave me my children, now he protect us.

Alhumdulillah I have found whenever I put all my faith in Allah, it always works out for the best.

In my experience, the women going thro court cases are too timid and polite to say the truth out loud. My experience in court is that unless you say it categorically you are ignored, ex tried to make out I had a forced marriage, as that is the popular bogeyman of Islamic marriages, I looked ex's barrister in the face drew myself up to my full height of 5 foot (almost nothing), and asked in the most contemptuous tones I could muster, 'do I look like someone who would have been forced into a marriage? My father is sitting behind you, he is supporting me thro this ordeal, do you think he would then have forced me into marriage?Huh?'. The Barrister could not look me in the eye.

Actually this stance of ex really lit a fire under me, he was trying to malign my religion, and you don't do that, anyone who knows me knows you do not abuse my faith, that was the only time I really lost my temper, otherwise, I'm used to ex being abusive to me.

The weird thing is, I got the feeling that ex's barrister was ashamed to be cross examining me, he clearly believed me, and that day defending the indefensible he was selling his soul for the price of his fee.


The British court system is awful, it is inherently biased against women and children, and I really really want to help the women going thro this.

I am frequently shocked at the lack of knowledge the women have regarding their legal rights, and what they can do, and their lack of realisation as to the credence placed on for example CAFCASS reports and social service reports, and even letters from teachers and GP's, these can all help you solidify your postion. If your GP has noticed your constantly ill, if the teachers at your child's school have noticed the child's behaviour has become erratic or suddenly changed they can all help you in court. A lot of women don't know that.

A lot of women also have this insane mantra going where they murmur slightly hysterically, but he's a wonderful father, my children love him, I don't want my children growing up without a father.
Anyone going thro this should realise that a man who hurts the mother of his children is NOT a good father, not at all.
And kids IMHO are very resilient, and who knows what Allah has in store for you, your children may yet benefit from a positive father figure in their lives.

When I had left ex, I remember my eldest watching this man playing with his kids, he was carrying his child on his shoulders and the child was laughing.... I was watching Fatima's face, and I suddenly asked her, 'Sweetheart do you miss daddy, do you want us all to be together again?' And I swear to God, had she said so I would have begged him to come back and apologised and done whatever it took. My four year old looked me in the eye and told me ' I want a daddy, a nice daddy...not that one (meaning ex)'  That day I felt my heart would burst from grief for my baby.



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #4 on: Apr 26, 2011 07:58 PM »

I have heard this sermon twice. I like it (I like all his videos) But it seems to be very incomplete. I'm not sure what. But it would be nice if he did another one it..

salaam
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« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2011 04:48 AM »


I was very very lucky, I went to the police near the end, and I also had eye witnesses to the bruises on my body (one being a white girl who I worked with, I feel her race was significant in giving my testimony credibility).

And I swear to God, had she said so I would have begged him to come back and apologised and done whatever it took. My four year old looked me in the eye and told me ' I want a daddy, a nice daddy...not that one (meaning ex)'  That day I felt my heart would burst from grief for my baby.


wow.  that's an amazing story.  i've never met someone who was abused or heard a sister talk about abuse like that.  it just fills me  with more and more nervousness because my mother is now intent on getting my sisters married.  if someone did that to my sister, i don't know what i would do.  on the one hand you'd want to ruin his life (beat the crap out of him/report him to the tax authorities/scare him witless) but on the other hand you know you'd be ruining your sister's life even further. 

there is actually a game theory construct to explain situations like this.  it basically comes down to a zero sum game where the solution is that the wife doesn't dump the guy, and the guy accepts the blame -- but they stay together, and cycle repeats....
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« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2011 08:08 AM »


Lucid, it's more common than you think. People don't talk about it, also sometimes when people break up they don't disclose this aspect for fear of being judged. 
Sr Fozia, even though what's happened to you is absolutely awful.. Insh'Allah you've learned some valuable lessons, that you'll never forget & made you much stronger Mash'Allah which is good to see. Smiley

Also Lucid,  my youngest sister is about to get married. She's almost like the baby in the family... 30, but Mash'Allah she's such a good sister (she's practicing, wears hijab, never had b/f's etc, always trying to gain more knowledge) financially stable & of course very pretty.... I would say that, I'm her older sister Wink. But we all come from a large family, & my brothers feel exactly the same as you. I guess we're all trying to protect her, trying to remind her of her rights as a Muslimah, what she should put up with & not etc... 
We're all so worried trying to protect her for her intended marriage, that she doesn't get abused financially, emotionally or Allah forbid physically. I'm sure to my sister our concerns may come across as negativity. As a family, I guess we've tried to prepare her. But I've realised that you can't do anything. I guess she's realised this too. She's made duah & made Istikhara, & believes this is the guy she wants to marry. Despite all's said & done, we can't fight the Qadr of Allah. Now we can all sort of start to enjoy the preparations for her wedding, Insh'Allah.Smiley  

وَلَسَوْفَ يُعْطِيكَ رَبُّكَ فَتَرْضَىٰ

And soon will your Lord give you so that you shall be well pleased.
Al Qur'an (93:5)
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« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2011 04:51 PM »

salam


I'm not embarrassed by it, it wasn't my behaviour that was reprehensible.

My only fault was to have stayed for as long as I did, but you know what it was written and so it came to past.

I personally feel that for me remaining silent works in collusion with the pereptrator, I dont mind at all talking about it, I dont go out of my way to tell people but if the topic comes up, yes I know a bit about it, I can offer advice and help or just offer an empathic shoulder.


Br Lucid, I hope your sister has a wonderful love filled long and happy marriage inshallah.

I'm positive not all men behave like this, my dad my first male role model in life has always been a calm gentle and utterly logical person, which is possibly why ex's behaviour shocked me so much I had no idea how to react.



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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