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News: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single muslim man is in want of a muslim wife.
 


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Author Topic: Marriage problems....:(  (Read 3365 times)
rabid9682
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« on: Apr 27, 2011 07:34 PM »


Salam Sisters,

Okay so the last two years of my life have been bittersweet. I was married for 7 years before Allah (swt) blessed me with my first child. My son is one of the biggest gifts Allah (swt) has ever given me, and I love him so much. But ever since he came into our lives, me and my husband are becoming more distant. When I got pregnant with my first son, I gain a lot of weight and my husband wouldn't talk to me or get close to me like normally. He pretty much shut me out of his life. After I had my son, I went through postpartum depression. I felt ugly and fat and I felt like my life was over and he was never around to comfort me and give me assurance that everything was going to be okay. We started arguing alot and he started staying out late. So, I went on a diet and started exercising so then I can get back to the way I was before I had my son. But then I got pregnant again. I am now pregnant 7 months and I am just as excited about this baby as I was with my first son. But the problems between me and my husband are even worst. Now it feels like I am not married and I live with my brother. He is so distant from me. I know he is not doing anything to hurt me...(such as cheating or anything of that sort) He prays 5 times a day and he works really hard and he is always in the mosque, so I know there is nothing like that happening between us. I try not to let the little things get to me but I just cant help it anymore. Allah blessed us with so much and I just don't understand why he cant be supportive of me. I work, I cook, I clean, I take care of my son, I'm pregnant, and I support him in everything he wants to do. I just want to be loved and I want to feel his love and respect for me because I use to feel that from him, and now I feel nothing. That's scary to me. I am really worried that this is just going to get worst and worst. I always feel uncomfortable around him now and I don't even know how to talk to him anymore. He always looks at me like I'm nothing to him and I only feel negative vibes from him. He is the love of my life and I cant even express to him how I feel anymore more because he just stays away from me. I'm so hurt and confused.... Sad
Fozia
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« Reply #1 on: Apr 27, 2011 08:27 PM »

salam


I dont want your post to go unanswered.

Not sure how to go about advising on this.

Would it be possible to have some sort of counselling from you local msajid (some masjids have trained counsellers I've noticed), you both need to talk about this, in a non confrontational manner.

Would he go to couples counselling? Or you could start by going by yourself if he doesn't immediately want to.

Was he happy to have children? Did he want to start a family?

Does he engage with your son and play with him etc?



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #2 on: Apr 27, 2011 10:57 PM »

Sister Fozia,

I tried everything with him. He thinks everything is okay with us and maybe I am just dwelling on little things but I just can't help feeling this way. I feel like we are slowly breaking apart and it scares me. I know he wants kids and I know he loves his son more than anything in the world but he doesn't show it. He needs to lighten up and relax with us. Eveyone has problems but he keeps running away from everything and everyone. I feel like I am in a loveless marriage, and I never thought he would ever be this way with me....

He is always in the mosque so I know he wont ask anyone for advice on marriage because he has to much pride. I wish we would because I always do. I want to know, am I making this into something big for nothing or do I really have a serious situation on my hands. I pray to Allah everyday that is gives me patience and guides me to the right way of dealing with this matter.
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« Reply #3 on: Apr 28, 2011 02:07 AM »

As salaamu alaikum --

I hope things work out for you and your husband, sister.

Fozia's idea about getting counseling is a good one.  To preserve your privacy, maybe you could seek counseling at a mosque that you and your husband don't generally attend?
Hard2Hit
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« Reply #4 on: Apr 30, 2011 02:38 AM »

Salams,

A spouse knows better about his/her partner than what others could precieve from a couple of posts. I think the problem is probably what you think it is... your looks.

This obviously isnt going to be a quick fix. After your next baby iA you should talk to your husband that you dont want to have more babies, or better yet, tell him already. And also add that you want to focus on your health and weight, as this would draw his attention to your concern towards your body. This could be your first long stride.

And after having your baby you must start working out, and that too in front of your man. Spare 15-20 minutes each night before going to bed, do a belly dance workout if you can... Losing weight is a super tough job so you'll have to be patient and consistent.

Also just because he's in masjid all the time doesnt guarantee that he can not fall for any other woman. Us men always can! Get new dresses, style up and attract your man before somebody else does!

Hope your situation changes for good in due time.

Wasalam.



The knight doesn't wait when he's ill or has cancer brother, the knight fights on... He finds a strategy, changes tactics, and hits hard.
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« Reply #5 on: Apr 30, 2011 07:29 AM »

salam

Wait until the doctors give you the go ahead before working out after child birth, otherwise you could end up causing yourself harm.

It doesn't matter if he's at the masjid all the time you two need to communicate & also spend time together and as a family.

If you don't think he will get counselling at the masjid then regular counselling like with relate or something. Because you need to tell him his behaviour is making you feel isolated & unloved & he needs to explain what is wrong on his side.

Still think masjid would be better, especially if he likes& respects the imam, hes likely to listen to him too.



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #6 on: Apr 30, 2011 07:29 PM »

Salam,

I wanted to thank everyone for there advice and opinions. As of today me and my husband are okay. We got into an argument earlier in the week, and well I pretty much told him everything.....I told him how much he hurts me and makes me feel like I'm nothing to him...I told him that he changed on me and that he was never been this way with me....I also told him that if this is not the kind of life he wants to live, then he needs to let me know because I am not going to waste my life and love on someone that is just going to treat me with disrespect....After 10 years of marriage people change. When I got married I was 17. I was a teenager...I was in my prime....He also was young, he was 19...so of course our looks and figures will change but my love and physical attraction to him never did...I am more in love with my husband now then when I first married him, and I told him that.....He told me that I was right and that he was stressing about nothing....My husband is a very hard worker and he wants to provide for his family everything he can. I respect him and adore him for all the things he does for us. But he worries about things that we really have no control over. I always tell him, leave it to Allah to take care of it. Pray to him and he will take all your worries and stress away. He's a good person with a clean heart but he just needs a kick in the behind every once in a while Cheesy....I exercise everyday but since I got pregnant, I only walk now. I plan on working out after I have my second baby, inshallah and I know I will get back into shape. I think what bothered me the most is that, he changed physically since he got married but I never looked at him differently....I still think he is cute and handsome and again I am still attracted to him, but I guess guys have a different mind set.... Cheesy

So, everything is okay between us for now and inshallah we both plan on working on communication between each other. I am not the one to give up so fast so I will do everything I can to make our marriage work.

Thanks again everyone!
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« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2011 11:21 AM »

Umm hard2hit well the man needs to lower his gaze, whether he falls or not hes married.

And rabid good things are better! I totally recomend profesional counseling. IF you find the right one they can fix marriage that have fallen for years. Because they went to school for this.

That is awesome that you care so much for your hubby that you are going to workout sometime after pregnancy. That is super important! Let him know your future plans. And you may suggest you would like for him to do the same:)
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« Reply #8 on: Jun 03, 2011 10:47 AM »

I know H2H always gets a bad wrap for his replies... but come on! that takes the cake for heartless.  A husband is not just the provider of food and money for the family. But he's also the provider of comfort, strength, courage, support and encouragement during a hard time. And having two kids close in age.... is challenging.

I had two under two for a while, and let me tell you, the first three months were the hardest time of my life. Of MY life. I needed my husband to understand MY situation, not the other way around. And yes, our relationship suffered, and I'm sure he felt I wasn't at my best dressed, or the best looking stage of my life.  I was averaging 3 hours of nighttime sleep (my son used to be awake from 8 pm to 4 am, and my daughter would wake up at 7 am). It literally broke me. If my husband had told me that he thinks I'm fat during that time, I think I would have left him. And I'm not kidding.  I was in such a fragile state of mind that a good day was if I got food on the dinner table and brushed my teeth before noon. 

You guys had 7 years of being a two-person family. It will take some time to adjust to a couple of new members. Communication is key. Good luck Smiley
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« Reply #9 on: Jun 04, 2011 12:58 PM »

i think H2H is on a different planet from most guys.

guys are pretty hopeless, but most are not THAT HOPELESS !

lol

lol lol

lol lol lol

lol lol lol lol
Jaihoon
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« Reply #10 on: Jun 06, 2011 11:35 AM »

Communication. All probs start with lack of it and they end when it begins.

Hard2Hit
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« Reply #11 on: Jun 06, 2011 01:30 PM »

Salaams,

i think H2H is on a different planet from most guys.

guys are pretty hopeless, but most are not THAT HOPELESS !



Hey, how many peeps repped you for that one? I would neg rep em all, and their next door neighbors too!

On a side note. Whenever my wife tells me that she has gotten somewhat fat or isn't as beautiful now as she was before, I always tell her that I like her more as the time passes by...

The knight doesn't wait when he's ill or has cancer brother, the knight fights on... He finds a strategy, changes tactics, and hits hard.
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« Reply #12 on: Jun 06, 2011 07:19 PM »

ws,

OK didn't read this whole thread but just have to say I think guys need to memorize this sentence "you're very beautiful and i love you". In urdu?? "Tum bohut khoobsoorat ho, meh tumseh mohabbat kartain hoon!?" This should be their answer to every question. Tongue ie. Do I look fat? Would you marry a second wife? Do you think she's pretty? There's only one answer!! ...ok try it and then run away!! bolt
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