// In love with a non-Muslim...
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« on: Nov 03, 2010 12:54 AM »


Salamz,
Im having a problem - FIRST I dont know how to make a new post so Im sorry Im posting on someone else's
SECOOND - I need good advice
I have been involved with a non muslim man for a very long time, I know he wont marry me as He has said so, its like we are being together for the time being when we can. Please dont lash at me as this is a sin already but I love him alot, he has not been good to me but has always been around somehow for almost three years... Now since Ive dug my own grave and Im heartbroken I want to move on...
I want to increase my faith in Allah and do whats right and good for me. Now i realize if this was ever right for me Allah would have made this possible. I sincerely understand Allah knows whats best for us...
The problem is Im so much in love with him despite the way he treats me and emotionally abuses me... i cant seem to end this relationship. I want to build my strength through Allah, tell myself he is there with me...and move on... Even if I do break up with him Im scared I'll go back to him as Ive done before... Please advice...
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« Reply #1 on: Nov 03, 2010 06:52 AM »

Salam,

sigh ladies how do we get ourselves into situations like these!! you know it's a sin, yet you continue. you know he'll never marry you, yet you're still with him. you know he abuses you, but you still go back to him. it's a shame really.

i think maybe you should read up on those abusive husband/boyfriend websites. they can help you with the psychology of why you go back, you'll learn the "cycle of abuse" and there are hotlines and other things you can call to maybe give you the support and strength you need. women who are abused or in the wrong type of relationship start to get brainwashed and think a certain way ie. "he needs me" "i love him" "he's always there for me and no one else is" "i have no one else" and so on. love is a relationship that goes two ways and does NOT include abuse or bad treatment. so break those myths, get the support you need, and keep making dua to Allah in your prayers and duas to give you strength.

 
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« Reply #2 on: Nov 03, 2010 09:36 AM »

salam


Putting aside the sin issue for the time being.

Sweetheart what on earth are you doing with a person who treats you like crap off the bottom of his shoe?

He has said from the start he will make no endeavours to try and be with you.

What on earth do you want him for?


You have got to begin to love yourself, be kind to yourself, feel yourself worthy of so so much more than this.


Any guy who wants me, will have to move heaven and earth before I'll even notice him! Ain't no way I will ever chase after a guy who has told me he does not wish to be with me, that I am a convenient pass time till something better comes along.

You've got to really dislike yourself to think this is a person you love! I mean really, truly?



There are so many nice, loving, caring people out there and you're shutting yourself away from them and Allah, by throwing yourself at a guy who has not only no love for you in return but no respect either.

Remove/block him from your phone, email, facebook. If you can, put distance between you and him, go on holiday go visit relatives, if that's not possible change your routine so your paths do not cross.

And make dua for yourself, and do istighfar. Allah is Merciful, start praying five times a day, do nafl fasts if you can. Whatever, just start forgiving and seeking forgiveness, this hopelesness will not help.

I pity the woman who does end up with that guy you describe. He's not going to be nice to her you know.




Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #3 on: Nov 03, 2010 04:12 PM »

No offense meant but could it be that you are confusing "love" with dependence? maybe you are looking for support or looking for security in the familiar no matter how bad it seems - you might be afraid of venturing out into the unknown.

It this, or something similar is the case, a lot of remedies are available. there are a lot of women's associations and organizations look into the internet and talk to women at local musjid or halaqa (?!) etc. and look for ways to get into associations with women who might give moral and material support. Be cautious of spending any money - this is not  good idea in the beginning - practical actionable advice and suggestions are more helpful.

Finally distribute your concerns etc among people - in this day and age not many people, friends or famliy, will have time for all your issues - talk to multiple people and speak to their intersts and strengths....

AH
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« Reply #4 on: Nov 04, 2010 04:16 AM »

 assalamualaikum

I hope you are in good health and iman, sister.
I'm glad that you realise that the entire situation with this person is wrong for you.
Life doesn't have to be bad. Make it good, even if you have to start over.

Say Bismillah.
Get out safely.

Go somewhere you can live and have access to help and protection from abuse
You can focus your energy doing something good for yourself.
It's not an easy road but you'll find your way, inshaAllah

Anyone who loves you would never hurt you.








The unity of all, perceptible to even bystanders, is the Oneness that inspired it, a sea without shores, subject me to this sea.
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« Reply #5 on: Nov 04, 2010 04:32 AM »

Salam Alaikum Sister,

I know that there are a lot of sisters in similar situations or at least have experienced this same scenario... My only advice is to make a clean break, it's going to hurt really bad and it's going to sux but it will get easier and you will pull through InshAllah.  I honestly think it's a blessing that he doesn't want to pursue a relationship, especially since he is a non Muslim and it doesn't sound like he is interested in converting. 
Once a woman becomes intimate with a man, a special bond is formed.. that's part of our nature, that's why we are forbidden to engage in relations outside of marriage. That's part of the reason you keep going  back, there is an emotional connection.
  My only advice is to seek forgiveness, guidance and strength from Allah SWT. Also, have realistic expectations, it's going to hurt, it's going to be difficult and remind yourself to be patient!  I would suggest changing your phone number and if at all possible move somewhere  else, make it impossible for him to contact you! Remove yourself from temptation! You deserve better and the fact that you are reaching out to your brothers and sisters shows that you are ready for this change! We are here for you!
peace
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« Reply #6 on: Nov 04, 2010 05:15 PM »

as salaam aley kum,
dear sister my ideas on this echo a lot of what bro. saleem has said........you need other dependable people in yr life. If you are not strong enough yourself go out and find strength in other people. You  definately don't seem to have a family member or close friend who you can emotionally depend on otherwise you would not have been in this relationship at all so why not consider going to a professional councellor.........
And yes if you can maintain a 5 time prayer routine it is going to be immensely helpful because when you pray one time salah and then intend to pray the next time's as well you will automatically resist to intercede the two salah with the sin of going and meeting a non-mahram (even if you think that you love him). Try to pray  with Khushu to get full impact and resulting  benefits of a sincere salah.
Look at this link
http://www.sydneymuslimyouth.com/smyforum/showthread.php?t=6253

All the best and lots of prayers for you

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« Reply #7 on: Nov 05, 2010 12:24 AM »

AND to all who have replied, thank you again.. sometimes you need a good thud to get it into your head... I WILL READ AND RE READ YOUR POSTS to muster up my strength and everytime I need guidance. May Allah know the amount of solace you've brought me...

Thank you Sarah AAZEEN for the advice on the counsellor and the site, Sarah Amena for the insight on woman nature and going back due to the emotional attachment,JENBEAN71 for the thought on Bismillah,SALEEM for mixing love with dependence,FOIZA for the strong message on Self Love and JANNAH for the way abused women think.

Salamz
peace
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« Reply #8 on: Nov 07, 2010 08:23 AM »

OMG!!! you are a brave brave woman
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« Reply #9 on: Nov 07, 2010 11:47 PM »

Walaikum Asalam,

Sister, it is truly saddening to hear your story, I pray with all my heart that Allah make it easy on you. I am happy to hear that you are becoming more active in your deen but I suggest you also start socializing more again. Secluding yourself from everyone is not going to do you any good so go to the Masjid, meet some sisters and make new friends. You truly have been through a lot but remember that every cloud has a silver lining.

"So verily after every hardship comes ease. Verily after every hardship comes ease." (94:5,6)

May Allah keep you safe, healthy, happy and to the fullest Iman inshAllah.

Assalamu Alaikum
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« Reply #10 on: May 30, 2011 11:44 PM »

I just wanted to add that it would be difficult to raise your children Islamically when married to an non-muslim. I will pray for you inshallah
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