// No attraction for rishta prospect
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Author Topic: No attraction for rishta prospect  (Read 2746 times)
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Anonymous
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« on: May 31, 2011 01:46 PM »


as

Okay, so I want to be brief with my problem but basically I'm a 30 yr old single female. I have received a rishta and I met the guy yesterday.  He comes from a nice family, has a good job and we chatted and seemed to get along.  My big stumbling block is that I am simply not attracted to him.  In fact, I find his looks a bit of a turn off.  I'm no beauty pageant contestant myself and it's true that a person's looks can change when you get to know someone but there has to be a little tiny spark of something?  

I'm feeling massive pressure from my parents to get married.  My last rishta was an absolute disaster but my parents were very positive about him and said he would be an adequate husband.  I had to really put my foot down and argue my case as to why I said no and they finally accepted it.  However, I feel like I'm trying their patience and there's only so much they can take.  

I tried to be frank with my mum and said I didn't think this guy was good looking.  My mum's reaction was to say she thought he was and that he was fair -skinned (he's blatantly not - not that I even care abt skin tone).  I feel like they aren't even being honest anymore in their opinions.  Anyone will do.  

I'm going to be pray istikhara on this altho to be honest - I must not be praying it properly because I find I don't seem to get any answer and instead have to rely on my gut instinct which is probably why I'm in such a mess in the first place.  I just feel like the guys I want, don't want me and the guys who like me I'm not interested in. What's a girl to do?
Anonymous
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« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2011 02:30 PM »

salam


If after istikhkara your gut instinct is still no, then that is the answer to your istikhara.

I'm a little older than you and I will say this much, in matters regarding matrimony don't be pushed to say yes. It's your life, you will be spending ever after with this chap and if you don't like him then stick to your guns woman!

It doesn't matter if your mother thinks he's the Yusuf (as) of our age, you dont find him attractive then that's fine, he is not for you.

And don't put yourself down either, I'm sure you are lovely.

I'll tell you something, when I got married I did try telling my mother I didn't find the guy attractive, my mother replied well your nothing to look at! Which actually is not true, I am actually beautiful! I wouldnt say this if it weren't the anonymous board Tongue

It transpires however that my instincts were correct, my marriage was horrendous for its duration and the man I married proved himself to be unworthy of me.

In matters of marriage always remember that it's going to be you waking up beside this person for the rest of your life, if you dont want that, then dont be bullied into it.

Do keep doing Istikhara tho, and pray to Allah for a good and worthy spouse inshallah.



Wassalaam
Anonymous
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« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2011 03:05 PM »

wsalam,

I think the word "attraction"  or "spark" here has to be defined. Do you not like him for some reason? Don't feel you're compatible? Really only don't like the way he looks? Don't like his persona, how he does stuff or what?? It sounds like it's pretty indefinable for you sometimes? Maybe you could narrow it down a bit and try to figure out what it is about him exactly. If it is as you say a strictly physical looks thing only, for u as a sister, i'd suggest you check out some pictures of guys as they age :-) No one stays the same as they get older and as you said sometimes when you get to know a person, they look better to you!

The spark thing I'm not sure what that means especially as this is someone already designated as a rishta. You're not really going to have all sparks the first awkward meeting? I've heard ppl say that before, 'there's no spark' especially guys!, and it's usually some other issue going on or they haven't given the girl a chance.

I'd just suggest you give the guy a chance and get to know him a bit more with a few more meetings. If at the end of that, after doing many istikharas, you just feel like it won't work then it's fine.

I do understand the above's point of view and you should not feel pressured to get married, just for the sake of marriage. Or in marrying someone you don't like/hate. That is just a recipe for disaster. But at the same time, if it looks like you're dismissing rishta after rishta then you really aren't being fair to your parents or yourself!

I have the istikharah dua and directions here so check it out: http://jannah.org/sisters/istakhara.html
 
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2011 03:14 PM »

Salam
I agree with the post above- you need to narrow it down what is it specifically that you dont like. It could be since you are pressured to make a decision and you are "feeling afarid" and that is why you are looking for reason to say no? I am sorry for making many assumptions.

Quote
  He comes from a nice family, has a good job and we chatted and seemed to get along 

I personally think that family background tells a lot about person, ofcourse there are expections.

When you marry and live together, it is the good nature, caring attitude  of your spouse that makes you fall in love again and again. Looks are important but not everything.
Best of luck sister, may Allah swt make you decide whatever is best for you.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #4 on: Jun 02, 2011 08:00 AM »

when i got married i had zero attraction to my husband. even in conversation i was not  attracted to him. i found him vain. In 6 months that followed the engagements we never met as he was abroad but we chatted alot and talked on the phone. The chemistry (physical +mental+emotional) was BLAND if thats the correct word.....saltless totally pheeka (thats a hindi word) but i had to marry him for practical reasons because i was dark (but NOW realise i was attratctive despite my complexion) and my father was poor and even though i was only 21 there were no prospects of me getting a good rishta, and here was a well qualified, syed boy from a good family whom i could not say no because I was not "ATTRACTED" to him. I never even expressed my opinion about his looks to anyone because he was traditionally good looking-----more of beautiful rather than handsome. We got married and 4 years down the line even though i am still not so attracted physically but we have attained such a level of emotional and mental compatibilty that i don't even bother about his looks. Now it does not matter even he he grows a tail.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #5 on: Jun 02, 2011 11:45 AM »

salam


Awww thats such a sweet thing to say about your husband. Altho I hope he doesnt grow a tail!!!

I do think that you need to be open to your rishta, if you find really you dont like him then cut your losses and continue looking, the thing about good families and all that is that you never know really what people are like till you live amongst them!


Wassalaam
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #6 on: Jun 02, 2011 06:00 PM »

Thanks for the responses everyone.

I’ve been praying istikhara for the last few days and frankly, I havent had a decent night’s sleep!  I wish I could wake up with all the answers but instead I have a fretful sleep.  I’m gonna stick at it though and inshallah the answer will come through.

It really is just an issue with his looks.  He’s tall and slim is which is a plus but when he was talking, I was just staring at his face looking for some kind of attractive facial feature (nice eyes or pleasantly shaped nose or jaw – just something!) and coming up blank.  I’m just really turned off by his looks.  And it’s so frustrating because on paper he’s a good match and the lack of attraction is my fault.  I'm not resisting for the sake of it because I'm scared to marry.

I know that looks are very subjective and can change when you get to know someone.  In the past, I’ve turned down someone on the basis of looks and regretted it since.  My head is so jumbled on this.  I don’t want to repeat past mistakes but at the same time I don’t want to jump into a marriage where I could be potentially unhappy and resentful (and I can imagine he wouldn't be too pleased to have me either).  My parents aren’t saying much because they are basically waiting for me to accept the inevitable.  Their desperation isn’t lost on me.  I turn 31 in a few months and as far they’re concerned I’m not going to find anything better.  A husband who can look after me is better than being alone.  I left my job which makes my position seem especially precarious. 

I’m gonna keep praying and perhaps another meeting to see if I feel differently.  Please pray for me that it all works out.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #7 on: Jun 03, 2011 10:18 AM »

From my experience, attraction (no, not 'looks') plays a deep role which can have an effect on whether or not the marriage will survive.  If you're being totally unreasonable, that's a different story.  But if your gag reflex kicks in, say no, stand strong, and at the same time don't talk badly about the man who has been brave and responsible enough to send his rishta for you.  He deserves respect for putting himself out there like that.

Istikhara is the most amazing tool we have to be able to make such choices and keep our conscience clear.  The other tool we have, when we're not married, is to fast.  And, with my limited knowledge, I do see the wisdom in the prescription of fasting.

I said no to one rishta on the basis of no attraction. But it wasn't his looks...it was more a personality thing. Never regretted standing firm on it, even though it DID break my parents' heart.  And I remember when I was getting married (finally), my husband and I were talking to each other in his living room, and I kept staring at him, thinking to myself how he wasn't good looking at all, but that I still found him attractive. I nitpicked all I wanted, but I had this deep rooted feeling that this was it. (Of course now, I DO think he's very good looking... and I don't want him to grow a tail EVER!)

So you have to be honest with yourself on this.    Good luck!
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #8 on: Jan 01, 2012 09:53 PM »

Tell him to work out. If he does, you might start finding him attractive.

And while he is doing that, you should diet, and that way you might just become a beauty pageant contestant yourself.
Or at least get more ristas?
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #9 on: Jan 02, 2012 12:45 PM »

Tell him to work out. If he does, you might start finding him attractive.

And while he is doing that, you should diet, and that way you might just become a beauty pageant contestant yourself.
Or at least get more ristas?

It was nothing to do with our bodies.  Neither of us were fat or out of shape (from what I could tell).   

Anyways, for anyone keeping a record, I exchanged emails with the guy and the 'chemistry' was rather lacklustre.  He didn't seem that interested in me and our online interaction petered out.  He sent me an email after about a month but I guessed it was after prodding from the parentals.  By then, my mind was set.  We were never going to work out.

I now have another rishta.  Attraction is not a problem, he seems to be a nice guy, we chatted and got on well.  Inshallah it will work out this time...
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