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akhan
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« Reply #25 on: May 16, 2013 05:21 AM »

They've only been married for 5-6 months now and it doesn't seem like there are any issues. He takes her out for shopping every other day, there are more servants and maids in the house than people, she's living like a princess and yet, she called him 3-4 times last night and the poor guy had to lie saying he was at another cousin's home lol

I mean, what the hell! Somebody tell me that this is a rare case, or else I don't think I'm getting married. How come a wife gets to remote control your life?

sadah, make dua bro. Ya Allah save us from being victimized by such crazy women.
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Mubaraka
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« Reply #26 on: May 16, 2013 06:04 AM »

Oh come on!!Married for just 5-6 months?That explains it all.

She is oh so in love with this man lol.She is just too possessive.....and was probably missing him...  Grin  yeh it's a little clingy,but hey it happens. She will eventually ease up.Nobody is remote controlling anybody. Tongue And now that you mentioned that she usually spends free time with her husband shopping etc. and she probably has nothing else (many servants etc) to keep her busy,she must have just missed him.

(If we were to discuss this seriously,I will mention that there are men who do objectionable stuff outside home..and yes there is so much fitna around,shaitan can make anyone slip ,so may be she is just afraid or may be she does not trust him...but this does not seem to be the case here.)

And yes,if he feels the need to lie,then may be he should be more open in his communication with her and try to win her trust with his actions.MashaAllah,apart from this ,you've already mentioned there are no other issues.

And no ,this is not a reason at all for you to feel you don't want to get married.There are many other serious issues that play a role in your decision.

But,by the end of the day,it all depends upon your personality and the personality you are dealing with.

 
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sadah
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« Reply #27 on: May 16, 2013 06:19 AM »

Ameeeen bro. We won't fall in that kind of net in shaAllah.


And no ,this is not a reason at all for you to feel you don't want to get married.


To be chained! You think it is not serious huh? He may agree with you on that, but for me, it is the most serious of all the issues. It will be one of my marriage conditions that she must promise to allow me enjoy all the things I am passionate about. For example, she wont tell me there will be no readings at home.
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"Whoever rejects false deities and believes in Allah has grasped a firm handhold which will never break." Q 2:256"
Mubaraka
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« Reply #28 on: May 16, 2013 06:45 AM »

lol

So don't give her a reason to think that she will lose you.Then she won't chain you.

And bro,communication is the key!
Be open about what you want.And you must convey to her that she is free to pursue her passions just as you would want her to encourage you to pursue yours.

Marriage is a two way business you know.And an intelligent communication instead of rigid orders works wonders.

Well I am not married yet,but I guess these are the fears of women too.Women too don't like being chained by their husbands you see. Roll Eyes
It is unfortunately more rampant.But are all men like that?I am sure not.
So not all women are like that.

(To make a serious story bright-A possessive woman who does not want to lose you is better than a woman of an ill character who would do anything that pleases her and does not really care about what you do.Isn't it?  Wink )
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akhan
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« Reply #29 on: May 16, 2013 08:40 AM »

But,by the end of the day,it all depends upon your personality and the personality you are dealing with.
Exactly, to me her personality seems to be a little too over the top.

Speaking of her being afraid of losing the husband, how does that make sense when they're married? Marriage is a sort of chain already, being possessive and clingy is like handcuffing the other person.

I don't know dude, I just cannot live with someone like that, whether it arises out of love or fear of losing me or whatever other reason anyone can come up with. Marrying somebody is an assurance that you're theirs for life, and if somebody is possessive even after that, it sounds like overflowing insecurity which I can't tolerate. Or remote controlling, which is worse.
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Fozia
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« Reply #30 on: May 16, 2013 09:25 AM »

to most decent people marriage is a binding contract. To a lot of people it doesn't stop them having affairs marrying more wives, to some men it's merely one of four positions filled.
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And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
sadah
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« Reply #31 on: May 16, 2013 11:59 AM »

lol

And bro,communication is the key!
Be open about what you want. And you must convey to her that she is free to pursue her passions just as you would want her to encourage you to pursue yours.


For sure! But I would have to work hard to find someone who has serious things pursuing. I don't know if it is peculiar to our community, most of our women believe marriage is a profession on its own. You ask a lady why she is in the college, many will tell you, "You know it's difficult to find a serious husband if I continue to stay at home." So you don't intend to work? "Why should I work? I will marry someone who can take care of me." Because they believe anything they do before marriage is provisional, they usually take it for granted. They don't care if they get pass or credit in school.

I may have to inculcate some passions in my to-be otherwise she will be like the majority whose profession (job) is 'housewife-ing' which will make her idle and demand my attention every minute I'm home. It might not even stop at that. She would want me to answer her call even if she knows I'm in a meeting.

There is even this cliche of lawful-lies one can tell his wife. They say, to maintain your marriage, you can't tell your wife the truth anytime she asks you. I once argued with my elder brother that it doesn't have to be that way. He simply said I would not understand the wisdom in it until I got married. Silly, isn't it? Huh?

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"Whoever rejects false deities and believes in Allah has grasped a firm handhold which will never break." Q 2:256"
Fozia
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« Reply #32 on: May 16, 2013 01:56 PM »

oh we have that here too.

Girls doing courses to while away the time before getting married, because they reckon their husbands will take care fo them.

Wonder what thats like, being utterly utterly dependent on another human being to always be there to take care of you.
It's a waste of perfectly good brains.

I guess in those cases a woman would be frightened her husband might leave her and be posessive. Becasue then who would take care of her?

I'd rather learn a trade improve and my mind and depend on Allah to provide.
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And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
akhan
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« Reply #33 on: May 16, 2013 03:37 PM »

Here, it's the norm and encouraged by parents and everyone else. Girls go to college to get a degree just coz it makes them more marketable on the marriage market.
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Mubaraka
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« Reply #34 on: May 16, 2013 04:16 PM »

Wherever this discussion leads to..just remember brothers..not all girls out there are like that.

So just pray that you are easily guided towards your right match. Smiley

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akhan
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« Reply #35 on: May 16, 2013 04:44 PM »

Wherever this discussion leads to..just remember brothers..not all girls out there are like that.

So just pray that you are easily guided towards your right match. Smiley



I know lol
I'm not painting everyone with the same brush but it does get a little scary after you've seen someone like that.
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sadah
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« Reply #36 on: May 16, 2013 06:20 PM »

There is always exception of course. But it is kinda killing our societies and something need to be done about it. All of us should take it as an obligation to bring awareness on that in our various communities starting from those close to us.
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« Reply #37 on: May 16, 2013 06:34 PM »

salam,

akhan it does sound a little overly attached there. a healthy relationship two people do want to be together all the time but also need some time apart sometimes, especially when they know it makes the other person happy and comes back to make their relationship stronger and more fulfilled. maybe he should encourage his wife to pursue some hobbies and things before kids. she probably just needs more reassurance in their relationship because they're newly married. i know the girls over there are brought up to prepare for when their husband becomes their whole world and she may even think that's what it's supposed to be and she's supposed to do that, otherwise he'll think she doesn't love him. in desi culture, he basically replaces all her friends/family/life etc!! so it'll take some time for them to sort it out. i also think if the husband 'checks in' every once in a while and keeps reassuring her that he loves her etc etc that it helps alot , even when he's out with the guys or at work etc!! (btw this trick totally works with parents...call n check in, then they forget about u the rest of the night lol)

also guys always say that! 'i married you didn't i, that shows i love u forever and i don't have to do anything else' and then he thinks he's done for life!!! non non!! that's when it starts, women (and men) always need reassurance. it's a tough world out there, check out all those photoshopped pics and celebrities and billboards and affairs and we're already made to feel so inferior about so many things. a good, loving relationship is when both reassure the other all the time. a marriage certificate is no promise of love forever as we all know.

it does sound like a lot of work, but if guys aren't prepared to do that yet (reassure and show love all the time), they should stay single until they are, because it would be hurtful to any woman to be like 'hey i married u didn't i' and that's his answer to like every problem/need she has!!

look at it from her perspective, he's going out without her having fun and enjoying himself with other people, and because she loves him so much she calls him a few times to kind of 'share' in that and be a little part of his life. she sounds like the good wife here ppl!! lol


btw what's all the hate with being a housewife! it's like the funnest thing ever. maybe because i never had a house before but i love puttering around like martha stewart and being able to do stuff for me (n hubs) for once instead of a myriad of parents, siblings, community etc. don't think that makes me completely dependent on the husband or less of a person!

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akhan
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« Reply #38 on: May 17, 2013 08:03 AM »

I agree reassurance is needed but in this case, when is the poor guy supposed to call her when she doesn't let him out of his sight and when he's outside, keeps calling him a million times Tongue

Quote
look at it from her perspective, he's going out without her having fun and enjoying himself with other people, and because she loves him so much she calls him a few times to kind of 'share' in that and be a little part of his life. she sounds like the good wife here ppl!! lol
When he takes her out every other day, spends months with her without seeing his buddies and still, "he's going out without her having fun and enjoying himself with other people"? C'mon sis J, if once in 6 months isn't reasonable, then what is?

btw what's all the hate with being a housewife! it's like the funnest thing ever. maybe because i never had a house before but i love puttering around like martha stewart and being able to do stuff for me (n hubs) for once instead of a myriad of parents, siblings, community etc. don't think that makes me completely dependent on the husband or less of a person!
Who said anything bad about housewives? I think they have it lucky lol
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sadah
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« Reply #39 on: May 17, 2013 08:36 AM »


btw what's all the hate with being a housewife!


We are not hating sister. Most of our parents have been housewives (for me, my mom and step moms were). It is the norm and many people are happy with it. Many men in my area set prenuptial condition that their wives would not work. To them, women belong to the house and only house. Any work that will take them outside is unislamic (which I believe is rather cultural). I suppose majority of Arabs believe that too, don't they?

Nevertheless, I am still uncomfortable with that notion. That's my personal view. I can't imagine living with someone whose work is only to care for me. I don't want too much of care and I believe if I marry a woman who can only be a housewife, that's what I will get.

Idleness and sluggishness = my biggest turn off. Cheesy
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Fozia
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« Reply #40 on: May 17, 2013 12:35 PM »



Theres nothing wrnog with being a housewife.

I was talking about the female relatives we have back home who are not encouraged to study further ro have any ambition, their lives are limited to looking forward to marraige...and that's it.

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And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #41 on: May 17, 2013 05:31 PM »

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Nevertheless, I am still uncomfortable with that notion. That's my personal view. I can't imagine living with someone whose work is only to care for me. I don't want too much of care and I believe if I marry a woman who can only be a housewife, that's what I will get.

Idleness and sluggishness = my biggest turn off. Cheesy

I think every couple has to decide what the balance is. I mean how do you keep a relationship going when two people are so involved in their careers or both working 40+hour weeks. Add in commute time etc and both are doing 60+ hours. Once you start working you'll see that you have no free time. You wake up go to work, come back so late. Sometimes you don't even eat, you pass out and then wake up the next day and start over again. Weekends you catch up on sleep, clean the house and do the groceries. You end up having a room-mate you never see instead of a married-loving relationship. The highest divorce rate among Muslims are doctors who marry doctors. Probably because they never see each other!! I think people can do this for a short amount of time in necessity but not long term. Its just not healthy and imagine when the kids come. Stress seems to be the number one thing in studies that affect children. When the mother works and also has to take care of the house etc and do everything it really affects everyone.

I'm not saying she should just do nothing and as you think it's all "Idleness and sluggishness", I'd like to see you take over from your Mom or step-moms for just one day!! :p And believe me there's a lot of stuff to do around the house, but I'm sure things can be worked out in every marriage where the balance works for them. Having a loving clean home and raising healthy children in a beautiful family environment is such an amazing blessing and accomplishment. Can't understand why people think working 60+ hours in some corporate job is more of one.
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WCoastbaba
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« Reply #42 on: May 17, 2013 06:26 PM »

I can back up akhan's statement...several of my female cousins, after finishing grad school, have gotten married and then the kids come and they never work in their field. One of my cousin sisters, she is a doc and she made sure to start working and they delayed having a family...but she had two kids in quick succession.

Another female cousin, who actually moved here after marriage from India, didn't work...she had a son within the first 10 months of marriage (she is a dentist)..she did try doing some exams here, but they wanted other extra curriculars as well, which isn't popular/needed in India, so it was a surprise for her. Anyways, she, her two kids and husband went back to India due to visa issues...and also, they needed to find a husband for her youngest sister and younger brother - got them both married off...but not sure  / don't think she is working now even...kids are older, school age now, and her husband often travels back to the US and other places for work. So she has to take care of everything herself, kids, house etc. Of course, that is a great duty to undertake, but all that money and hard work getting her dentist degree....for what? Just seems like such a waste. Nothing more attractive than a woman who knows a trade (as Sr. Fozia said) and can apply her mind to something, earn and also keep busy, as the husband does.

Also, recently got news, that one of my nieces, age ~22, finished her architecture degree and is now engaged...I was informed that she has always been the creative type and she will be moving to Abu Dhabi, where her fiance is working at the moment (though he is Indian too)...so I wonder if she'll ever get the chance to actually work.

Anyways, just some thoughts that were running through my head on this issue/topic.

BABA
desibro
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akhan
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« Reply #43 on: May 17, 2013 09:02 PM »

sis J, the housewifing model has changed a bit. Earlier housewives used to work at home all by themselves and I believe that is a full time job in itself. Now, they hire maids and spend the entire day watching soap operas and gossiping with other women. That's what I don't like about modern day housewives here. I also think that even if someone chooses to be a housewife, she should get involved in some constructive activity, like a hobby or an islamic studies class or social service or something of the sort, at least for an hour or so every day otherwise, sadah's fears will be well founded.
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sadah
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« Reply #44 on: May 17, 2013 11:38 PM »

Thanks Akhan for reminding me that. That's exactly the reason why I see sluggish housewives all around me. Housemaids have become compulsory for every modern Hausa home. The hardest work the wives do is engulfing huge amount of calories with no slight effort of burning them. Even when children come, it's the housemaid who do everything for them apart from breast-feeding. The housewives I see are different from our grannies.

But as you said sister Jannah, I may not understand until I get into the system. It's my prayer that I would all be proven wrong.
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Fozia
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« Reply #45 on: May 18, 2013 12:05 AM »

I don't bother much with housework myself, weekends were made for pretend camping in bed sheet tents in the living room & ordering pizza....


Besides I'm not sure it's terribly right to be vacuuming cobwebs, I have a slight feelings the spiders lived here before I did......
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And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #46 on: May 18, 2013 06:27 AM »

Bruvs wcoast, akhan n sadah, i have no doubt when the time comes u'll find tons of career sisters to choose from!! It's rare you'll ever find someone who wants to stay at home nowadays!! Most Muslim women these days want someone who will let them work. I'll just suggest that u make it clear in your rishta expectations so she knows your opinions and don't be like 'u can do whatever u want' cuz then u'll resent her later for it n call her lazy etc lol and also make sure that later u don't resent it when she is working and doesn't want to give it up!!

In related news, I thought this video is good for bros in their 20s starting on thier way....
Enjoy!

http://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20.html

ps.

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The hardest work the wives do is engulfing huge amount of calories with no slight effort of burning them.

rotfl so mean!
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sadah
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« Reply #47 on: May 18, 2013 10:14 AM »

LMAO... No offense intended sister. It's just frightening to see a 60kg turning to 90kg in no time after marriage. Wink

Nice talk there. I really enjoyed it and I will reevaluate my progress in defining my future before I exit the 20-something stage (choosing the chooseable family inclusive). Wink
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"Whoever rejects false deities and believes in Allah has grasped a firm handhold which will never break." Q 2:256"
Fozia
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« Reply #48 on: May 18, 2013 01:24 PM »



In our culture a woman is expected to put on weight after marriage, otherwise people gossip and say she's unhappy & her husbands not taking good care of her!
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And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
akhan
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« Reply #49 on: May 18, 2013 08:18 PM »

I never said I wanted an ambitious career woman, nor a doormat that gathers dust sitting at home lol

Anyway, it's pointless arguing, whoever's been written down will eventually find her way to me, whether or not I like her. But inshallah, whoever it is, will be for my good.

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