I'd say every sister deserved a man who was a kind and good husband, a
man who knows and takes very seriously his duties towards his wife and family
I am sure the poster would equally agree with me that every brother deserved a woman who
was a kind and good wife, a woman who knows and takes very seriously her duties towards
her husband and family.
For those people who say that this is automatic when it comes to sisters I beg to
disagree for I personally have seen many instances when this is not true, though I must admit
that sadly that men of our ummah have been abusive in far greater numbers.
Also maybe the married people can tell us how they got married. That's much more
practical I think.
I agree to all the things said above about faith in Allah swt, duaa , Qadar .....I wanted
to add a few things and it applies to brothers and sisters equally
1.So set down your absolute 'must haves'. If a prospective proposal does not have your
absolute core requirements you are wasting each other’s time.
Mine were a practicing Muslim, kindness integrity, some one who could recognize the need
of others without being told (not necessarily mine
) ,some one who would treat both
our parents with love, affection and certain amount of tolerance, some one who can accept
me for what I am and not what they want me to be.
1.5) Don’t marry for the wrong reason, green card, tiered of home, the money, but
wanting companionship is a legitimate human emotion/need
2. Contemplate and make a list of things. Why should this person should marry me and not
X,Y,Z .? What do I bring to the table? What’s so special about me? Why do I deserve
3. Contemplate and make a list of things why is this person better of marrying X and not
me? Please be brutally honest with your self for none of us are perfect. What are the
things in me that could have been better? What are my circumstances?
4. What are the other things I want in my spouse? Please be realistic (I call these the
Bros: She will never cook like your mom for she isn’t your mom, hey you a’int no Tom
Cruise and you still want a Kidman? oops whats her name… anyways you get the point, You
want her to be nice to your parents while you refuse to do the same, she works, cooks,
cleans, attends halaqas and then smiles oh yeah she is a robot ! You hang out with your
friends most of the time or spend hours on the internet and one extra halaqa/family
engagement and you crib about lack of quality time. You don’t pick up after your self and
don’t do the dishes and still expect none to come flying at you?
Sis: Tall dark handsome, with a full head of hair belongs to the “Mills and Boons “
my mom used to read. Oh I have to attend this halaqa, that sheikh’s majlis, this masjids
talk that seminar and I really don’t have time to cook/I hate cooking/I cant cook,
well sorry the way to a man’s heart is through his gut oops stomach. His parents are a
bad influence, thank you very much the recipe for disaster is now complete and oh the last
one he is going to throw the trash every time
5. Having these things in hand get to know your proposal better, this will make the
decision much easier, talk to them try to find out about their back ground and when you are
asking/negotiating for something always have this in mind “ What do I bring to this table
My philosophical take: Life is a compromise but one does not compromise when it comes to
the basic religious tenets and core human values.
My practical take: I strongly believe in compromise, for no two individuals are a 100 %
compatible, nor will you find all the things you are looking for in a spouse. Once my core
requirements were met I was lucky to get about 50 % of my negotiable ones (my spouse
jokes that she just got 10 % of hers), but Alhamdullilah we are happy
Post marraige assesment of all the pre marriage notions I had about how good I am, and
why I deserved such and such: Boy I didn’t think you were so nasty.
Age is not a factor: Yes age is a factor, at least in our society the older you get its
harder to get married to the 'ideal' person. This applies to both brothers and sisters.
For all my pickiness in my youth I learnt the hard way that a 'lot of water had passed
under the bridge'. Folks, factor age in to the equation of negotiable requirements. People
can disagree and yeah there might be some exceptions but yeah those are exceptions
‘Ideal spouses’ are nice romantic notions, but life is a rough tumble.
Don’t delude your self about your own worth nor be blind to the fluttering red
flags.Compromise is the essence of life but don’t bend so much that you can be trampled on.
Hold on to your core values but do not be so rigid that the world has no use for you.