// Anonymous ? for the bros
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Anonymous
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« Reply #25 on: Oct 08, 2008 02:14 AM »

Salam,

I think as we get older we should open up our options. Someone mentioned non-muslims, but you know if there is one who really likes you and is interested in Islam why not try to get them more into the deen and then see where it goes!! Also consider people you might not have considered before. Friends, neighbors, people of different ethnicities, ages, backgrounds. You might find someone you actually have a lot in common with that you didn't think about before.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #26 on: Oct 08, 2008 09:27 AM »

salam

How does one completely seperate finances tho.

Saying 'if you're smart enough not to give him all your money', how would you work that exactly.

Does one then go into a marriage on the basis that, hey he'll leave me so I must hide my money from him. In which case how on earth can you ever be happy, when you're convinced he will leave you?

Also marriage is a joint venture, you both work towards common goals, there isn't (or shouldn't be), a mine and his money mentality, and at some point a womans earning potential will either go down or stop altogether when she has babies, so what then, do you spend from your own little money pot, because you have a his money my money thing going on or do you go to him for money or what? Surely its better if both of you are used to from day one, regarding finances as joint, so its no big deal if you buy things using joint finances.

Or say if you start out not so well off, and the point of you working is so you can afford a decent standard of living ie a house in a good area, near good schools etc. What then, would you still insist it was your money and refuse to put it towards paying bills and such? Do you think the husband would then not resent you, do you think seriously this would work?

What if the woman didnt work at all, she has no money of her own, then what?

I reckon, look outside your own ethnicity, I would never, ever, consider outside of religion never, that wouldnt work. Heck if a muslim man cant take care of my rights, how does one expect it of a non muslim....


Wassalaam
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #27 on: Oct 08, 2008 12:48 PM »

By "build a husband" I don't mean go find a non-Muslim and convince him to revert (although it's been done and our history proves that.  Still I don't have time for that.  What I mean is it seems that one has to construct what one wants - one that doesn't hold on to superficial ideals. 

And no one should never go into a relationship on the premise that it will fail because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and who likes those?  Still any money or assets that a woman brings to a marriage is hers and it is her choice to share or not share.  I spent a lot of years getting what I do have so I wouldn't willingly share that (i.e. my house is mine and I wouldn't go altering that by putting a husband's name on the deed).  Anything purchased during the marriage would be ours.  And he would have to be one great guy for me to not work and be solely reliant upon him but that comes more from bad experiences than from just being stubborn and "feminist" minded.

The starting point for every individual is different so there are some women who don't have jobs when they marry but that is okay; less so if a man has no means to provide for a family. 

All in all I can only pray that Allah blesses me with a good one.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #28 on: Oct 08, 2008 01:42 PM »

I really think the only solution for you then is to go to some really poor country. Pick out a 16 year old from an orphanage/madrasa.

Or if you know that the type of male that you are looking for really does exist, but others have already taken them. Most of your friends would probably refuse, but you might have a couple who are ok with the idea, and are able to get their husbands to agree. Then ask if you can share.
I think polygamous men won’t be interested in what you already have.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #29 on: Oct 08, 2008 02:06 PM »

salam

I actually completely agree with that.

I would most certainly not put any persons name on the deeds to my house either.

But money earnt during the marriage would be ours, it's hard to have your own money if both start off with nothing tho, as the marriage accumulates our money. I suppose I was very lax, as I never bothered to think for a second during my marriage that hey I was the one paying for everything, because one doesnt....... well I dont.

Couldnt give up being self reliant either, after what I've been thro, it would take an amazing human being to reassure me that giving up earning money would not leave me vulnerable to becoming destitute on a persons whim!


Wassalaam
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #30 on: Oct 08, 2008 03:55 PM »

I actually completely agree that all the "Anonymous" are really confusing. I don't know which is which and who is who.

May be if we all end with  different smilly?

But does he defeat the purpose of anonymous?

ok i'll use this one.

 Smiley
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #31 on: Oct 08, 2008 04:14 PM »

Smiley
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #32 on: Oct 08, 2008 10:44 PM »

Trying to find a viable solution to sharing expenses when both spouses work and therefore the money is deemed theirs as opposed to his and hers isn't easy.  *voice of experience speaking*  "Well we can each take a set of bills and take responsibility for those in proportion to earnings" - nice idea until my ex decided that he didn't want to pay his pile.   "We can divide all the bills and each pay half (or proportionate to earnings)" - could have worked until "magically" my ex spent more on "deals" then fell short for bills.  Now perhaps all of these problems could have been avoided if I had made wiser choices in marriage (desperation - I fault desperation) ...... oh what we know in hindsight that we should have known "in the moment".  No doubt Islamic principles teach that a woman's earnings are her own and that she does not have to contribute to the running of the household - so it is her right to keep it or spend it; but I know me and I couldn't sit by and watch my bank account increase if my husband were struggling to maintain our family.

After having spent 4+ years trying to reestablish myself and recover from my own hasty decision I'm back and armed with a better sense of self and a steadfast determination to not permit myself to be in a bad situation again.

To the point of go to a poor country and find a poor orphan 16 year old boy - uh why?  I don't recall reading where such is even permissible since there is an obligation upon a man to be in a [financial] position to marry but the same obligation does not exist for a woman; so again - uh why would I or anyone do that?  The same applies to travelling to another country and sponsoring a man to join me where I am; if a man is unable to lawfully enter a country on his own accord then he is not in a position to marry a person from that country.

This could go on and on and on I'm sure but I firmly believe there is a real solution to the overall problem of focusing on superficial ideals and ignoring the ideals of substance.

Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #33 on: Oct 10, 2008 12:00 PM »

Okay I think I'm coming closer to the answer of what the problem is and do brothers really make decisions in a short period of time.  It all has to do with sex or rather their own insecurities about going "flat".  (   Shocked   yes I said it!)  So if they find someone they actually like but she seems to be "too much woman" or "not enough woman" they immediately think they (the brother) will somehow be deemed inadequate or have his performance deemed a joke (   Shocked  yes I said that too).  Quite frankly this is the lamest excuse I've heard that passes as a rationale. Now what I want to know is where the heck did this fear come from?  Especially from among those brothers who have never been married and so therefore don't have a basis of comparision.  And for crying out loud it still leaves sisters out in the cold and if anyone thinks that sisters don't have those needs or for that matter concerns of their own.  I'm not sure how anyone could be afraid of an all natural voluputous female figure and opt for something less.

So I guess for now my smiley has to be  Shocked   because sometimes it is necessary to be straight to the point and not sugar coat stuff.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #34 on: Oct 10, 2008 12:28 PM »

What you can do is try and fix the world and all the men in it to think like you and accept you for what you are, before the menopause kicks in or you can accept facts for what they are, realign your targets and how you sell yourself to realistically find someone.
Most of the world’s female population go for option two, that’s why most of the world’s female population have found someone.
There are a few who go for option one, all but a tiny fraction of which fail and remain single all their lives.
This problem isn’t restricted to the Muslim world, if anything it is mostly a western Problem. Some women choose careers over a family. When they reach their thirty somethings, they realise the clock is ticking so rush around trying to find a man, but most men in their target range seem to prefer twenty something’s. That’s why sperm/ovum banks and buying babies from poor countries is so popular.
This puts Muslim women at a disadvantage as these options aren’t Islamic, but we do have an option that most kaffireen don’t have, and that is polygamy.
Just ask a friend with a really nice husband if she is willing to share.
 Smiley
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #35 on: Oct 10, 2008 12:45 PM »

salam

Marvellous suggestion, what if you live in a country that doesn't recognise polygyny?
Actually I know your answer, get married anyway, it is the law of Allah blah blah blah, ofcourse you're not the one suffering the fall out when husband drops dead, leaving behind two wives, one legally recognised as a wife and the second considered a legal non entity and by extension any progeny of the second marriage also being considered so.

Do wonder what kind of woman would not be horrified at the thought her friend was eyeing up her husband, infact I'd not know at all what my friends husbands are like, I've never met them, dont want to meet or socialise with them, and bar the odd bit of family news my friends share, I would not be able to make any kind of assessment as to what kind of husbands my friends have.
We talk kids, halaqas, clothes, life,  not the merits or lack their of of their spouses, I never did about mine either when I was married, why on earth should I?


Wassalaam
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #36 on: Oct 10, 2008 07:40 PM »

As salaamu alaikum

Is the problem really that some women choose careers over husbands/families?  I don't believe that to be true unless of course what was really meant was that some women choose education which lends itself to a career and not a mere job.  Then to accept that premise would also suggest that what is really meant is that women should not be educated at all because all that education brings about is knowledge and awareness - of everything from her rights to an awareness of herself and her likes/dislikes as well as wants and desires and objectives and goals; and those things are a "no-no" if she also wants a husband.

While no sister can compare herself to Khadijah (ra) no brother can compare himself to Muhammad (saws) either.  Yet from that very example we find that she had a career yet he agreed to marry her (despite of or because of) the fact that she was an independent career woman.  As I further understand it she didn't give up her career after marriage to the "best of the best" nor did she relinquish control of her business immediately.  So how then can it be suggested that today's Muslimah should not pursue a career if she intends to get married?

I can speak only for myself but I didn't start out having a college degree nor a career.  I embraced the ideal that a man is responsible for caring for the family by working outside the home and providing while a woman was responsible for nurturing the resultant children and attending to her husband.  Well reality kicked in and I realized that because the man was falling short miserably that it was my obligation to get a job "just in case".  When I decided that I wanted to complete my education he had the audacity to ask me how that would benefit the family since he didn't find the value in an education.  I bought into that bunk for a while and although I continued to work I realized that the draw of an education was strong but it didn't detract from my responsibilities to my family; I managed to do it all.  After he left (to chase some uneducated woman) and failed to provide for his children I finished my education and got a better job.  I guess I further "hurt his ego" by buying a house by myself and becoming even more active in the community while he now sits miserable and jealous with nothing to "hold over my head" and boast about.

Now to fast forward; if I were to find a good man who wasn't so insecure about his own abilities (in all aspects) and I was secure in his capabilities I would gladly reduce my hours or quit altogether because I still hold the same ideals and I would much prefer not to work so hard outside the home.  Housewifey sounds good to me.  However I cannot see myself giving up what I have and have accomplished while I have no husband and get quite insulted over the suggestion that I should or that I should be ashamed that I have a career and that in doing so I've given up the opportunity to ever have a decent husband.

I couldn't fathom asking any of my friends to share their husbands because 1) not all of my friends are married 2) of my married friends most of them are not Muslim 3) of my two married Muslim friends I doubt seriously that their husbands are in a position to take on a 2nd wife and family since those married friends also work full-time to make ends meet.

Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #37 on: Oct 11, 2008 05:25 AM »

Well now on this same line of discussion today a friend suggested to me that I should stop covering my hair because it seems the whole hijabi thing is part of what actually frightens brothers off.  Naturally I'm puzzled but also may need to seriously consider it because again its getting quite tiresome this whole being alone.  Someone else suggested that patience and taking one's time leads to rewards since afterall the intentions are good.  My response was that having the good intentions and taking things slow and being patient has only given one reward; heartache and tears and that I've had my fill of it.

So to bring it back to some of the points - since men are so visual including our own "dear" brothers then it seems likely that my friend's suggestion has some validity.  Still I wonder how would one go about being modestly dressed yet fail to also cover one's hair in modesty and still profess that one is truly Muslim?  Or would I just have to go for "broke" as they say and just dress like every other woman and then get what I want that way.  Would that be dishonest or would it be putting on the show that the men so secretly desire. 

Aaaaaaaahhh decisions; decisions.

Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #38 on: Oct 11, 2008 12:48 PM »

While you seriously consider knowingly disobeying your creator, seriously consider that the consequences can mean going to hell for ever and ever?
Do you seriously want to make the trade?
Remember, what you are proposing isn’t a momentary lapse, a mistake based on ignorance or even a sinful habit that is hard to break.
You are proposing to choose to sinful life after careful contemplations of the pros and cones of obeying Allah. Also remember that if others see you, and follow in your sinfulness, you will share in their sin. And this will be compounded if others follow them all the way till the day of resurrection.

“since men are so visual”
What makes you think it is your hijab that is scaring men away and not your face?
From your similarities in your style of writing I think it was you who suggested that your skin colour may be a factor in your rejections. If that is the case what makes you think your hair colour would have the opposite effect? Remembering the men who prefer creamy white skin also prefer flowing blood locks?
This mistake is why the fashion industry along with its supermodels are so successful. Men are attracted to the supermodels in their skimpy revealing outfits, women with regular or even repugnant bodies assume it is the skimpy outfits that attract men so mistakenly spend a fortune on outfits, assuming that it is the outfit and not the supermodels that men are attracted to.
If supermodels reveal more of their attractive bodies men are more attracted. If non-attractive women wear the same revealing outfits, men are less attracted to them, because they can see what is wrong with what were previously hidden bodies.

So if you put on your show, which should have waited until your wedding night. Men are more likely to reject you than they would have been if things were hidden.
And even if you do manage to find someone, what type of fish would that bait catch?
The type you want? Or the type that wants something which you are not, and the moment he realises that if some one is disguised as a non-Muslim doesn’t mean they really are one, can end up from back in to the sea.

What you have to do is recognise your good points and bad points for what they are.
This would help you in emphasising your good points and playing down your bad.
Make a list of what you would prefer in a man, and what you are unwilling to budge on, and make a clear distinction between the two. No man is perfect, so this would help you in ignoring acceptable floors in acceptable men.
While you are doing this, take a good look at your lifestyle, and think to yourself what are you willing to compromise on? What would you change for a man? Would you wear Niqab? Would you leave your Job and become a fulltime house wife? Would you move to another city or country? Would you learn a new language to be able to speak to his families? Would you take care of his kids as if they were your own?
During the interview put yourself in the man’s shoes and don’t scare him off. There are a few men who may be attracted to assertive women, but for most of them if a woman is real aggressive during the interview they assume that is just a taster of what life would be like living would that lady.
A friend of mine had an interview with a Arab lady, and she stated, “If you don’t marry me I’ll kill you”, that scares men, and men don’t find that very attractive.
What they would find attractive would be being told how you would cook, clean and do everything else. Because, if you are unwilling to do so, know that they can find many women who are willing to do so. If the man hasn’t brought this up, you must bring it up. This is because common sense would tell him that a career woman might not be willing to do that.
Think about his fears, before he reveals them to you and resolve them if they are unfounded.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #39 on: Oct 11, 2008 02:21 PM »

While perhaps what is being contemplated is a sin hence the reason why it is merely "contemplation" and not action. I never lose sight of the fact that one must fear Allah for all wrong acts but it is equally wrong that I spend more time crying out of desperation and in that even have such contemplation.

It is suggested that one should sit down and really think about what it is that they want in a spouse; well one can do that all they want and in doing so fail to accept the blessing of the one Allah has decreed for them.  It is further suggested that I play up my good points and minimize my "less than good" ones.  Well Allah knows I've done that and even looked at those less than good points to figure out what among them I can change and accept those that are beyond my control because they are part of Allah's design.

Since I'll speak only for myself in response to "What would I give up for a husband" - sure I'd move to another city or country - a home is where the heart is and not just merely a structure and besides I can make arrangements for my current residence which is within my rights; I'd love to learn a different langauge pariculary for communication and in fact I view learning one from a husband as a bonus; I can cook and quite well so I've been told and never have an issue with learning a new dish/series of dishes particulary from different regions of the world  so whoever I marry I'd make it a point to learn his favorite dishes "from back home or his mother's kitchen" just to make him happy and I look cute in an apron; I have no problems caring for anyone's child and so if I were to marry a man who had children I wouldn't be one to treat them any differently than my own - my love for my husband would automatically translate into love for the children; I've already said I'd downplay or even give up my career if it need be - quite frankly I'm more comfortable being at home free from the stress of worklife and truthfully balancing work and home isn't a "walk in the park" and doesn't leave much time for the things I'd rather focus on (including learning another language for conversational purposes); would I wear niqab - it's an option I'd explore and accept if my husband wanted me to do so but with the understanding that I'd be completely reliant on him and the question would be could he handle that or would that be too much "pressure". 

I don't think I'm overly agressive and not necessarily overly assertive either - except when necessary and that is usually in business type dealings when being passive is not an asset.    In general I'm the quiet laid back type so much so that at work sometimes people don't even realize that I'm there until late in the afternoon (that could be an advantage if I were a dishonest person).  And since I'm so quiet it often takes people by surprise when my name is called to give a presentation and then I do an awesome job (who would have thought that the quiet hijabi knows so much and can deliver it).   So if a husband asked me to give up that aspect of my life I'd do so; I've no problem being in the background rather than the foreground. 

But this still doesn't address the issue - the very real problem that far too many encounter when trying to get married.  Things seem to have focused on "what a woman would or should change in order to get married" and no discuss on what a man brings to the table.

Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #40 on: Oct 11, 2008 03:24 PM »

You have stated what you would change here, did you state them to the men you were intrested in?

And men are willing to change a lot. Bring a blond blue eyed 16 year old convert in front of them with the condition that they make some changes and they agree. They will agree to it without even asking you what the changes are!


Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #41 on: Oct 11, 2008 04:34 PM »

^^^ ur disgusting and illustrate everything that is wrong with muslim men today.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #42 on: Oct 11, 2008 04:48 PM »

Of course I clearly stated what things I'd willingly change or willingly do or willingly give up.  Basically those discussions go like this "I'm do this for a living; I'm active in this - blah blah; however my priority is to family and so I would step away from those things and never look back".  I even go so far as to ask if those things that I do or am involved in bother him and then restate if you are uncomfortable with me doing them I'd step away.  I take it further by trying to find out what his interests/goals are and indicate that if we were married and he permitted me to I'd be happy to help as I could.  I'm no dummy I understand and accept the more traditional role of women; it's just not happened so I've no choice but to be the modern day woman - you know "bring home the (turkey) bacon and fry it up in the pan" otherwise I'd starve.  Guess I have to tear up my "women's lib" card now but I'm not a feminist but I am a realist.  So no I wouldn't marry an unemployed man because then I'd not be able to stop working and live the traditional lifestyle but instead would remain the breadwinner; then a husband would be needed why?

And ha ha very funny (not!) - a man would change anything but only for a blond haired blue eyed 16 year old.  That is the problem isn't it; not everyone is a blond haired blue eyed 16 year old and how many of those type are interested in Islam but sure would like an "exotic" Muslim man that they can train to be everything except a devout Muslim.  Not every brother is a solidly employed Islamically intelligent 6 foot + tall bearded man with trusting eyes that would make a woman willing obey his every command without question comment or concern and do anything to please him including greet him at the door with his slippers with a hot meal ready for the table or a bath waiting with pressed clothing laid out; never sit in "his" chair if that's what he wanted type.  Many are are more the "your hands ain't broke - make your own plate; draw your own bath; iron your own clothes" short obese unintelligent variety with empty eyes  that makes one say "you want me to do what; not on your life pal".  
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #43 on: Oct 11, 2008 06:46 PM »

You might be fishing in the wrong pond then. Have you tried proposing to Muslims you work with? The ones you might have missed like the Cleaners etc?
What about in the Islamic activities centres you help in plus any Jamats you might have joined or are associated with?
That way you are dealing with people you have some common ground with.
Have you tried laying down your tentacles, asking your family to look, asking your friends to get their husbands to look?
Have you spoken to ulimah you study under to see if they have any suitable students?

“I wouldn't marry an unemployed man”
If people had that criterion in the UK, no one would be married. Muslims here have the highest rates of unemployment. I think it is the opposite of America. The way I see things, Muslims went to America to do the Jobs master wasn’t qualified to do, in the UK Muslims arrived to do the Jobs master didn’t want to do. And when those Jobs moved to Asia, entire towns and sometimes cities full of Muslims became unemployed. It isn’t a problem here because there is Jobseekers, income support and the NHS so most people are financially better off being unemployed.
Maybe you could change the ban on the unemployed to a ban on the unemployable? I mean make an exception for people who are highly likely to find work in the near future, like final year students, or people who have just been fired?

It is true that “not everyone is a blond haired blue eyed 16 year old” but not everyone is a “solidly employed Islamically intelligent 6 foot + tall bearded man with trusting eyes”. Women are as guilty as men whether they like to admit it or not.
Both men and women must realise the world isn’t perfect if they want a realistic chance of getting married when they are not a blond sixteen year old or a six foot bearded rich man. The young blonds and the rich talls can afford to be picky, not many others can.

 Smiley
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #44 on: Oct 11, 2008 08:41 PM »

salam


How halal is it to sit on your backside, drawing income support/jobseekers etc and generally being a leech on the back of society.

If you are healthy, have the brains, the qualifications, the work ethic and if you're in England, you will get a job.

I work, and it's pretty visibly evident that I am 'mozlem' so I would expect any muslim man to have a job too.

How utterly ridiculous, and insulting!

Frankly benefits are there for people who cannot work, who are in need, and I do not give a flying rats arse if there are others who work the system. We are muslims, our word is our honour, otherwise what of our Shahadah?

Do not touch a man who is claiming benefits and sitting on his backside all day long, he is clearly an accomplished leech and will take take take from you too.

At the end of the day if a person wants to work they will work, and I would rather eat from what I have earned by toiling myself, then living the life of riley on the money earned by others..... I would not accept sadqah unless I was entitled to it, smilarly I would not ask for state handouts unless I was in need of it either.

Wassalaam
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #45 on: Oct 11, 2008 09:00 PM »

It doesn’t apply to her anyway. They don’t have benefits like that in America.
And marry any Hallal person you like, if you listen to people like that telling you who they would prefer not to marry, you will never get married! And they wont care, because they probably ignore their own advice on issues like this and find someone.

Secondly it is perfectly Hallal to take what you are entitled to. Before you declare something as Harram please consult a scholar.
Thirdly there are many towns in the north where there are no Jobs. You can’t say those people should work if there are no Jobs for them to do. I am talking about the mill towns.
Fourthly Muslims do get discriminated against, and everyone knows this. So they are looking for work, just not being accepted for it.
That’s the meaning of Jobseekers. And those are the people this benefit exists to serve.
The people who can’t work are entitled to income support. So if someone is on income support they are not able to work.

I want more people to claim benefit. If more Muslims don’t claim more benefit more of my tax money would go to the Zionist governments wars against Muslims and Islam.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #46 on: Oct 11, 2008 11:14 PM »

I'm not going to speak on how I personally feel about the acceptability or lack of in taking government benefits.  While if a person is in genuine need then there is no issue; however if the person is merely lazy and not putting forth the effort to work or find work.  Further considering that a man must be in a position to marry then one who is not working should not be looking to get married.  Students have minimal to no earnings and so shouldn't be looking to marry either because a male student is not in a position to provide.  So if I were to marry someone who had no job and means of supporting us and I had to work then I would expect a complete role reversal - my hot meal waiting; my slippers; a clean house; etc. but we all know that won't happen so that is a not a viable option.

I don't agree that only the blond blue eyed and 6ft tall beardies are the only ones entitled to a choice; just because society has established such an opinion doesn't make it right nor acceptable.

And I'm sure all of us in this same boat have asked everyone possible; at least I know I have.



Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #47 on: Oct 13, 2008 12:41 AM »

“I would expect a complete role reversal - my hot meal waiting; my slippers; a clean house;”

That is what men are scared of when it comes to older, wealthier or dominant women. You should reassure them that you will not do that if you want any chance of getting married. It is best not to even joke about it in your head just encase perspective husbands sense it somehow.

The only way you can turn your wealth and age in to an advantage instead of a disadvantage is using them on people like students.

For example if a 16 year old converts to Islam and gets kicked out of his house because of it (this happens often).
Loads of my friends got kicked out when they first converted, I bet getting married would seem more desirable to a teenager filled with hormones then sleeping on a chair of single brother’s TV room?
You can step in and marry him.
But speaking as some one who used to be a sixteen year old male, I would prefer to be homeless than a housewife.
So remember not to scare them away with feminist fantasies.
It isn’t just men who are entitled to blond teenagers, and if you feed him right he might just grow in to a six foot beardy?

This happens more often then you would think. This person we were giving dawa to thought he would get kicked out when he converted. But when he did convert a few days ago and informed his family they expressed a desire to convert too. But it could have gone the other way.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #48 on: Oct 13, 2008 01:46 AM »

Nope; the only male student I'm supposed to raise is my son (and any others I may be blessed to have once a husband is found). 

I'm not that much of a feminist nor modern Muslimah that I'd want the role reversal scenario.  So any brother that ever got that notion was sadly mistaken (and insecure) and despite how hurt I felt the loss was ultimately his and not mine.  And me domineering - pu-lease; I'm not sure I know how to be.  I do however - within boundaries - speak my mind; I feel out the situation and then make my statement.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #49 on: Oct 13, 2008 09:23 AM »

salam

Who's joking about the role reversal scenario? If one person is out at work all day, they cannot be expected to then come home and cook and clean and pick up the mess created by the person who has been home all day, and on top of that spend from their earnings on this person who does nothing at all. Why on earth would anyone, be they male or female, regardless of religious affiliation, want to be in a marriage like that, how is that even a marriage?

You'd be the first to call any woman who complains about doing household chores, when she is a stay at home wife and her husband works, all sorts of names, so why if a woman works would she have to also do all household chores? From experience I can tell you a lazy teenager will turn a pristine house into a pigsty in the space of a 9-5 day, he will also have eaten everything in the house neccessitating a grocery run, and then some poor woman is supposed to cook on top of the cleaning  and shopping after a day at the office. I challenge any man to take that kind of behaviour from his wife..... wouldn't happen, so why should a woman regardless of religion, although Islamically a husband is meant to provide for a woman, put up with such a ridiculous scenario.

And 16 year old boys, are you nuts, 16 year old males aren't attractive when one is in the same age group as them why on earth would one wish to marry one?



Wassalaam
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