// Please advise dilemma - found friend's husband on matrimonial site!
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Author Topic: Please advise dilemma - found friend's husband on matrimonial site!  (Read 1421 times)
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« on: Jan 01, 2012 08:14 AM »

I was looking on marital sites for my cousin and I found someone I know a friend's husband! On his profile it says he is "legally seperated" but they are still together and married when I saw them. We are not that close, what should I do?
« Reply #1 on: Jan 01, 2012 11:23 AM »


When did you last see him?

I'd report him to the site moderators stating that on whatever date he was married & living with his wife.

« Reply #2 on: Jan 01, 2012 07:09 PM »

LOL, sorry to say this has happened in our community!! No one ever said anything to the poor sister. Don't know what happened after that. I do see her sometimes around and it seems she's still married!

Those matrimonial websites owners don't really do anything. They won't delete someone's profile unless there's an obvious fraud. A few years ago i saw a profile with a picture of a white revert, then the exact SAME profile with a black African man! I contacted the administrator, and they deleted just one of the profiles! What a joke. Also, the husband can just go create a different profile or go to a different matrimonial site and no one would ever know.

Anyway I really think when guys get frustrated in their lives, they just go on there to see if they can "find someone better".  Like a "nice sweet obedient wife on the Sunnah" as opposed to their wife and kids now that that criticize and complain about things. It's possibly a good reality check for them?

Maybe you should just leave things be. He's obviously trying to marry a second wife, but why make it a huge issue when he's just exploring right now. Maybe he'll change his mind?
« Reply #3 on: Jan 01, 2012 07:30 PM »

It's the present wife & any poor unsuspecting other woman's welfare that's worrying.

Dude can marry fifty for all it matters however his present wife should be aware of the kind of man she is married to & any potential second wife should be aware she's marrying an already married man.

I'd report to the site moderator, I'd also send a link to his wife.

« Reply #4 on: Jan 02, 2012 03:31 PM »

as salaamu alaykum,

Since this is anonymous (I think) I'll give a bold suggestion:  Send the link to the sister using an anonymous email account (one that won't trace back to your IP).  Or print it out and somehow get it to her without her finding out who it is from.  No comments necessary. 

Alternatively (if you're slick enough) you can drop in a conversation: "Oh have you ever been on those matrimonial sites before? They are so crazy... Does your husband have a brother?  There was one profile I saw where the picture really strongly resembled your husband - maybe it's one of his cousins or something!" 

If the wife already suspects shady stuff (and usually women can) she'll check it out for herself.

Option C: Just leave things as they are - maybe it's better that she doesn't know!  The ad may be old, he may have regretted it but doesn't know how to remove it, or it may have been done with her consent.  If they are trying to reconcile their issues it may just lead to more problems if she is informed...  Also 'the messenger' is usually punished in these types of things (with anger and accusations taken out on you and you somehow pulled into their issues) so it may be better to just look the other way.

Allah knows best
« Reply #5 on: Jan 02, 2012 04:29 PM »

PLEASE PLEASE do NOT send the link to the wife and do NOT Tell the wife. It may ruin their family life completely leading to a divorce. May be the husband is not that bad, may be he was just bored and wanted to chit chat with single ladies in a moment of indiscretion, and may be he realized later that this was not right and stopped using the site but forgot to delete the profile. May be, he created this profile before his marriage and he never logged back in after his marriage in order to delete it. I even heard, some of the admins or some of the users of the matrimony sites copy the pictures of attractive brothers and sisters and make those their profile pics, (and I am sure you have seen people in Facebook most commonly doing this). Or if a person hated another guy sooo much and wanted to ruin his married life, he/she could make a fake profile with pictures of the person he hates and send that to his wife saying... "see, he's cheating on you". So sister, since you are looking for a rishta for your cousin in these sites, I'd advise that you be very careful in not believing all the on-line profile information and pictures - they could be all fake.
But back to the topic at hand:
I am a guy, and I don't think brothers are that stupid that they'd make a profile like this in a public web-site knowing that people whom they know could very well be on that site; especially since it is common knowledge that in the West soo many single people or their guardians go to matrimonial sites as there are few options for finding a Muslim spouse other ways.
The point is: Give 70 excuses for your brother.

Do NOT tell the wife, she does not need to know this. Please save her and her family the heartache, the divorce, the children the trouble of growing up in a broken family.
However, confront the Brother directly.
Send him an email from an anonymous e-mail account with the link of his profile. Tell him that "I know you are married, and I consider putting this profile up as being unfaithful to your wife. Please remove this profile so that your wife does not have to find out about this. Also, note, your wife currently has no idea about this and I hope to keep it that way. But I expect you to stop doing silly things and be faithful to your wife. Don't worry, I will not tell anyone else about this."

May Allah guide us all and help this wife and husband to be together in trust and faithfulness and happiness. Ameen.
« Reply #6 on: Jan 02, 2012 05:20 PM »


Probably the best advice is that last Anonymous post.  I wish I could delete mind before that!
« Reply #7 on: Jan 02, 2012 10:46 PM »

absolutely agree with the above anon.
« Reply #8 on: Jan 14, 2012 04:33 AM »

Well I think that you should go to his wfie and show him what you saw. That is her RIGHT. Plus if the man is lying this is haram way to find another wife and is not an honest person so others should be protected from him
« Reply #9 on: Jan 14, 2012 12:57 PM »

I completely agree with Anon No. 5's post, i.e. not to tell the wife.  To the initial poster you say you're not even a close friend so how do you know what their relationship is really like?  If you were a close friend who had much more knowledge of their relationship this might be a slightly different scenario.  Also, you mention that he wrote 'legally separated' on his profile.  I find it interesting that he didn't write 'single' or 'divorced'.  The fact he put 'legally separated' sticks out in a way.  As you're not a close friend you don't know whether maybe for a time, even if it was brief, they did separate, and then maybe they got back together again.  Bottom line is that really you don't have much information, and also, you don't have any substantial proof to prove that he's done anything wrong.  Like Anon 5 said he may have made this profile some time ago and forgot all about it or it cannot be removed from the site, etc, so without any real hardcore evidence which suggests what you're trying to insinuate, you  can't accuse someone of something, otherwise you're just trying to cause trouble really, even if you think your intentions are good.  Remember we are suppose to think well of others and not have suspicions of someone.  The scholars said to always make excuses for someone's behaviour (and I think Anon 5 has given some good excuses which you may have not even thought of).  And really, the mature thing to do, is to approach the person in question directly in the first place.  If you spoke to the husband first he may give you the same reasons that Anon 5 has suggested, which means you were barking up the wrong tree to begin with, so why cause trouble by going to the wife?  Or if he admits that they're having problems, then you can advise accordingly, or even suggest that it might be better if he tells his wife that he is looking for someone, as it's not nice to deceive her in that sense.  Also, hate to point this out, but a man can have up to four wives.  Yes, if he is really up to what you're thinking (and again, you have no real proof, apart from a profile which who knows when it was made), it is better he tells his wife, but then again, who's to say she doesn't already know about this profile?  Maybe if they were separated (as is written on the profile), she knew he was looking to get married again and is aware he created a profile on a matrimonial website? 

Really, at the end of the day, this is all just speculation, and you can't accuse someone just based on speculation.

« Reply #10 on: Jan 16, 2012 12:50 PM »

Maybe is looking for a second wife?
good on him!
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