Madinat al-Muslimeen Community -  Would you marry....? Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Apr 24, 2014 08:55 AM
Home Help Search Login Register
News: Once more into the quran, dear friends, once more.


+  Madinat al-Muslimeen Community
|-+  Sis/Bros
| |-+  The Brother's Club Hangout
| | |-+  Would you marry....?
« previous next »
Pages: 1 [2] 3 Go Down Print
Author Topic: Would you marry....?  (Read 4581 times)
jannah
Administrator
Hero Member
*****

Reps: 2791
Posts: 7143


I heart the Madina


WWW
« Reply #25 on: Apr 14, 2012 12:53 PM »

Sis fozia from what little i know, i think you've had a very bad past experience (if not the worst of anyone on here Sad). i think this is bound to color your view of things. not saying, it's not realistic or practical to think about divorce and it's contingencies, having gone through a horrible one in the past. but at the same time it really affects your present. how can one even develop a tiny bit of trust in a marriage or start a relationship, if their main concern is always about what will happen when we divorce. i think if a person is not willing to risk their money/pensions/trust etc they are definitely not ready for the sharing/sacrifice/risk that marriage is. pls forgive me if this offends/hurts u in any way. 
Logged
Fozia
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reps: 1248
Posts: 2662



« Reply #26 on: Apr 14, 2012 12:53 PM »

No Sis Jannah.

We educate our sons

We teach them that Islam has given them responsibility towards their families not just rights over their wives.

And we teach them the consequences they will face with Allah if they abandon their responsibilities & demand their 'rights'.

Its not even not educating our daughters, I remember a thread on here years ago where a man asked if he refused to pay his wife's zakat on her jewellery what would happen, his wife didn't work I was so upset for her as were a lot of the brothers on the board....

Educating our girls gives them choice & a fighting chance.

I think the sisters looking for marriage exceed in calibre to the brothers. For every one decent brother there's a plethora of amazing sisters.
Logged

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
Fozia
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reps: 1248
Posts: 2662



« Reply #27 on: Apr 14, 2012 01:02 PM »

No doesn't hurt at all.

I know my past colours my perceptions.

But I've noticed a trend in England where the men refuse to register their marriages do they have a nikah but aren't legally recognised as married.

I've had so many women call me and ask me hysterically what their legal rights are and I've got to break it to them NOTHING.

I've seen too many horrendous human beings marrying gorgeous beautiful wonderful amazing sisters then walking away from them to waltz into their next marriage leaving behind utter carnage in their ex wives lives.

My life experience hasn't been so bad Alhumdulillah. Watching other sisters going thro worse kills me a little at a time....

I'm telling you one thing tho I would never ever be able to go thro another divorce I would die.

But like I said I have my childen to thnk about any money I earn which goes to maintaining the lifestyle of a man who has become accustomed to trappings my income affords, is less money going to my children. I'm not prepared to do that.

I'd also recommend a pre-nup!
Logged

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
austmuslimah
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 101
Posts: 386



« Reply #28 on: Apr 15, 2012 12:35 AM »

Sis Fozia, you have a lot of great points.

Honestly, I think if we mix your "practical" point of view, with some of my "romantic" point of view -- we could get a good balance of emotion + logic/practicality when assessing how a potential rishta would work for us.

Basically " can he/she make me happy?", "do i have the ability to help him/her be happy"  along with "what are his/her needs",  "what are my needs" and "can we fit together to fulfill our needs" is the sort of questions we should be thinking about.

Money or degrees doesnt fulfill every need -- but sisters who do have a good salary and a good degree, it benefits them because they are able to provide some contribution towards the family monetarily, and a good educaton means they will be able to educate their own children well. Those are definite advantages, yes? Even if the sister chooses to stop working, and stay home, shes got the ability to work again should the need ever arise.

Men sometimes get intimidated by smart successful women, and think they are snobbish/snooty, but I dont think its true. I think, that no matter how well a woman does, theres something wrong with it. Either shes not successful enough, and is a burden, or shes too successful and this becomes intimidating. Sigh. Never an even breaking point.

And sis J -- we are 100% compatible Cheesy



Logged
austmuslimah
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 101
Posts: 386



« Reply #29 on: Apr 15, 2012 05:40 AM »

I've had so many women call me and ask me hysterically what their legal rights are and I've got to break it to them NOTHING.


Sis Fozia -- I am at work, but this statement has had me worried all day. Doesnt Islam ensure that women have their rights, and have fair treatment? Out of everything, this statement worries me the most. I can deal with the fact that some brothers arent decent people, by being optimistic that there are some good ones and Inshallah I will get one... but saying that women dont have any rights really worries me.

Sorry if I'm not making sense... just rushing to type this up during work.
Logged
akhan
Bro
Hero Member
*

Reps: 1076
Posts: 1706



« Reply #30 on: Apr 15, 2012 05:50 AM »

Men sometimes get intimidated by smart successful women, and think they are snobbish/snooty, but I dont think its true. I think, that no matter how well a woman does, theres something wrong with it. Either shes not successful enough, and is a burden, or shes too successful and this becomes intimidating. Sigh. Never an even breaking point.
Some women are snobbish/snooty, not all of course, but many are. And so are many men as well and they are the same ones who don't want to marry somebody more successful/educated than themselves because they feel emasculated.

I read men are from mars and women from venus and it says that men feel successful when they're able to achieve something. When a wife has already done that it becomes -ve success for the man lol. His sense of self goes way below what it was before and resentments build up from there. (And then some women nag their husbands for that Grin) So, assuming that this a natural defect I don't think that all men can be painted with the same brush, as in, feeling intimidated is okay, but you have to overcome it and that can happen when both, husband and wife can look beyond materialistic stuff and concentrate on the purpose of marriage. If it's all gonna be about lifestyle and pleasing the "perpetual gossiping neighbours/relatives" then unless Allah kicks some sense into the couple's mind (and I hope He does it the hard way) the marriage is always gonna be on the rocks with the husband feeling intimidated and the wife feeling that the husband is a useless wuss and both of them being resentful towards each other.
Logged
austmuslimah
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 101
Posts: 386



« Reply #31 on: Apr 15, 2012 12:04 PM »

feeling intimidated is okay, but you have to overcome it and that can happen when both, husband and wife can look beyond materialistic stuff and concentrate on the purpose of marriage.

Too true
Logged
Fozia
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reps: 1248
Posts: 2662



« Reply #32 on: Apr 15, 2012 09:59 PM »

I live in the UK.

A lot of girls when they marry waive their rights ie want a token for their mahr because money is not what marriage is about it should be easy etc and there's a growing trend of just doing nikah and not registering your marriage to make it legally binding in UK law here, because it's Islam that matters and Allahs laws prevail etc (or whatever other reason they have at that point).

When marriages breakdown, the soon to be ex husbands do not adhere to Islamic law and the girls have no legal recourse as according to uk law they were never married, so the girls have been living in houses owned by their husbands (in paper) paying mortgages and bills from their income and end up turned out on the streets and no legal recourse, because legally they are not recognised as spouses and have no rights at all over their spouses assets.

My suggestion is to be sensible when marrying, I cant fathom the notion of romance pre-marriage as we dont have that surely?

I'd listen to advice given and prepare for not so happy eventualities but hope for the best inshallah.

I was talking to a firend about this topic and she said I always looked at marriage this way, my experiences have confirmed what I knew in theory pre-marriage not changed my views.
Logged

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
austmuslimah
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 101
Posts: 386



« Reply #33 on: Apr 16, 2012 03:19 AM »

If a girl choses not to register her marriage legally according to UK law, doesnt she still have rights Islamically? Are there no muslim lawyers who can help the girl get what is owed to her if the marriage doesnt hold?

Logged
jannah
Administrator
Hero Member
*****

Reps: 2791
Posts: 7143


I heart the Madina


WWW
« Reply #34 on: Apr 16, 2012 07:22 AM »

The same goes for the US. If the marriage is not legally registered she'd have no rights, religious ceremony or no. Some people actually do this on purpose so that they can get social services benefits for a "single woman with kids" or even some men marry a second wife with the religious ceremony and not legal.

Islamic organizations here have been pushing over the last decade for Imams to only marry people when they have a license from the state to avoid this kind of abuse. Thus when the Imam signs it, it's a legal marriage. This is the case in most Mosques nowadays. Imams simply will not marry people without it. Even so, basically anyone can marry anyone! So people find others to do the ceremony for them.

In this thread I think we're looking at marriage in very fundamentally different ways. It's very interesting. We have singles viewpoints, divorced viewpoints and a few married. I think we really need some happily married muslim couples to post their secrets!!
Logged
sadah
Brother
Bro
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 388
Posts: 479


Dont be sad...


« Reply #35 on: Apr 16, 2012 07:35 AM »

Assalam
Of recent, I shun discussing marriage issues because it makes me despise the current marriage trend the more. One distinct feature of our women (and their families) where I live is that they are way too materialistic to the extent that good behavior, education and love are only in few occasions of any significance. That's why most homes are in shambles nowadays. To me what is the most important is agreeing to stay together to please Allah and ready to tolerate the must-faced marriage tribulations of different kinds. Unfortunately, barely none share my philosophy thereby leaving me doubting if I could ever marry at all.. wink...
Logged

"Whoever rejects false deities and believes in Allah has grasped a firm handhold which will never break." Q 2:256"
Mubaraka
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 412
Posts: 492


« Reply #36 on: Apr 16, 2012 07:56 AM »

Br Sadah, u have given the right words to my thoughts. Sad I would not have explained it better.
Logged
austmuslimah
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 101
Posts: 386



« Reply #37 on: Apr 16, 2012 12:25 PM »

This thread is getting super depressive Sad
Logged
Mubaraka
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 412
Posts: 492


« Reply #38 on: Apr 16, 2012 12:32 PM »

Yeh Sis austmuslimah, reading and hearing stuff like this has taken away all the glory of the concept of marriage from my mind.....

For ppl like me,whose parents have started looking for matches,it is all the more depressing Sad
Logged
tq
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 189
Posts: 381


« Reply #39 on: Apr 16, 2012 03:12 PM »

Assalamo elikuim
I tried to stay away from this topic after my initial replies since a)I am little older than y'all (born in different generation, where girls were taught that education/job is very important, no marriage till college, but their main responsibilty is their husband/kids etc - if they can do both , great - more power to them Smiley , where boys were taught that they are responsible for their family financial needs no matter whether the wife earns or not, they cannot simply go and play golf all day or go and do dawah all day. They have to sacrifice their hobbies and be the 'man'. if they can do both - great! 

but this made me post

Quote
  This thread is getting super depressive 

Please please brothers and sisters who are looking forward to getting married, marriage is not at all depressing. It is not always as potrayed in fairy tales, bollywood movies either Smiley It is in between i.e. sometimes you are extremely happy with your spouse ,think that they are blessing from Allah swt Smiley and sometimes you want to kill them, but always there is a feeling that you have a partner(might not be 50/50 partnership sometiems Smiley), you have somebody who will always be there.
If that person is sincere and respect you , then you do whatever it takes to make your marriage happy one. Small things dont matter, that is who is cutting the vegetables and who is doing the dishes , who is taking kids to school or who changing the car oil ,or who is earning more etc etc.

I agree with Sr.Fozia(May Allah swt bless you with happiness , Ameen) that girls and boys both should look at more practical important stuff when considering a proposal - I can see how a dishonest person take advantage of the other Sad

But coming from a desi background , I dont know how I will react if a proposal come for my kids or  some relative and they wanted to do pre-nup- I understand that the world we live in today is crazy but...
How would you all react to this ? Would you ask for it or agree to it ?


Wasalam
tq
Logged
akhan
Bro
Hero Member
*

Reps: 1076
Posts: 1706



« Reply #40 on: Apr 16, 2012 03:57 PM »

Quote
To me what is the most important is agreeing to stay together to please Allah and ready to tolerate the must-faced marriage tribulations of different kinds. Unfortunately, barely none share my philosophy thereby leaving me doubting if I could ever marry at all.. wink...
br sadah, we have a lot in common Wink
Logged
jannah
Administrator
Hero Member
*****

Reps: 2791
Posts: 7143


I heart the Madina


WWW
« Reply #41 on: Apr 16, 2012 04:43 PM »

Lol akhan & sadah are compatible and so are me & aust. The progressive Muslims would have a field day!!! Lol bebzi


Quote
How would you all react to this ? Would you ask for it or agree to it ?
No I wouldn't... for a million reasons.... Because I think it would tell me that he doesn't trust me fully/doesn't trust the marriage fully, he's thinking about eventualities of divorce already, he doesn't believe marriage is forever, he has a me/mine attitude about his money and even after marriage he doesn't want to give anything and that he thinks his money is something he earned and not rizq from Allah.

I think that I'm from a different generation too. The desi generation that like never gets divorced unless it's something incredibly humongous. Probably a bad attitude to have but at least it makes people have the motivation to always work things out.
Logged
Mubaraka
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 412
Posts: 492


« Reply #42 on: Apr 16, 2012 05:00 PM »

LOL.
Sis J...If what u and Sis austmuslimah have written are the thoughts of a romantic,then I have realised that I am a hopeless romantic too....  But I guess   that the "hopelessnes" is not going to help me.

Yet I sincerely "hope" it does!! Grin

 
Logged
akhan
Bro
Hero Member
*

Reps: 1076
Posts: 1706



« Reply #43 on: Apr 16, 2012 06:13 PM »

Quote
Lol akhan & sadah are compatible and so are me & aust. The progressive Muslims would have a field day!!! Lol
Cheesy
Logged
Fozia
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reps: 1248
Posts: 2662



« Reply #44 on: Apr 16, 2012 10:11 PM »

I reckon in a pre-nup I'd put the stipulations I'd put in a nikah contract, so the nikah contract is legally binding.

Logged

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
sadah
Brother
Bro
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 388
Posts: 479


Dont be sad...


« Reply #45 on: Apr 16, 2012 10:54 PM »

I follow your back brother Akhan. Thank God I'm not alone (to sis Mubaraka). May Allah be our guide in serving Him better.
Logged

"Whoever rejects false deities and believes in Allah has grasped a firm handhold which will never break." Q 2:256"
akhan
Bro
Hero Member
*

Reps: 1076
Posts: 1706



« Reply #46 on: Apr 17, 2012 12:27 AM »

I reckon in a pre-nup I'd put the stipulations I'd put in a nikah contract, so the nikah contract is legally binding.
Can you do that? Is it possible to do a pre nup that says that in case of a divorce, you have to work out stuff according to the shariah?
Logged
austmuslimah
Sis
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 101
Posts: 386



« Reply #47 on: Apr 17, 2012 12:55 AM »

Lol akhan & sadah are compatible and so are me & aust. The progressive Muslims would have a field day!!! Lol bebzi

Cheesy:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

sis J you just made me laugh like anything!


different generation, where girls were taught that education/job is very important, no marriage till college, but their main responsibilty is their husband/kids etc - if they can do both , great - more power to them Smiley , where boys were taught that they are responsible for their family financial needs no matter whether the wife earns or not, they cannot simply go and play golf all day or go and do dawah all day. They have to sacrifice their hobbies and be the 'man'. if they can do both - great! 


Isnt this exactly what marriage is supposed to be like? At least in my mind, it is. Its like a mix of sacrificing and being the best you can be  in all aspects of life. Sigh.

My parents are looking really hard for a rishta for me, just so hard these days to find someone compatible.

Inshallah we will all get whats right for us.  I know of a lot of terrible marriages, some mediocre marriages, and some really wonderful marriages. Its good to be wary and avoid things that will lead to a terrible marriage, but at the same time you should hope and work towards having a wonderful marriage.


In terms of a pre-nup: No, I would not sign one, and I would be shocked that anyone would ask me to sign one. It shows lack of trust, and it shows the persons true thoughts of my personality.
Logged
Fozia
Sis
Hero Member
*

Reps: 1248
Posts: 2662



« Reply #48 on: Apr 17, 2012 11:56 AM »

Akhan, yes it would as shariah is allowed in matters of marriage and death I think. It's not widely available but I'd have my Nikah contract drawn up & signed as a prenuptial agreement, which in a way a nikah contract is, it's conditions of fulfillment on which the marriage will take place....
Logged

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
sadah
Brother
Bro
Sr. Member
*

Reps: 388
Posts: 479


Dont be sad...


« Reply #49 on: Apr 17, 2012 12:34 PM »

Though I dont know the shariah ruling on prenuptial agreement but to me if every couple would adopt it, marriae conflicts could be minimized. It's just like the issue of documenting debt agreement. We personally feel it's improper to write down and get witnesses to debt terms involving people very close to us, but in the end, in most cases we do wish we had. We should not assume such and such could not happen because he/she is such to me.
Logged

"Whoever rejects false deities and believes in Allah has grasped a firm handhold which will never break." Q 2:256"
Pages: 1 [2] 3 Go Up Print 
« previous next »
Jump to:  




Madinat al-Muslimeen Community - Would you marry....?

Nostalgia racing theme by © Mustang forum. Powered by SMF 1.1.18 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines