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« on: Apr 08, 2008 10:21 PM »


Asslamo Alaykum


I am writing this as at present I am currently going through a divorce. I know that this word is disliked by allah swt but my situation is this - I have been married for 8 years now and throughout most of marriage I have suffered at the hands of my husband, he prefers to talk with his fists to my face! I have on numerous occassions suffered black eyes, bruises fractures etc etc, he has threatned to finish me off a few times. Most of the times he has been violent my eldest daughter has been present and witnessed it, she has been stood crying and screaming for him to stop but he has never paid any attention to what she says and never acknowledged how it is affecting her.

Throughout our marriage a few times we have seperated this has been when he has been arrested due to his violence, each time he has said he is sorry and will never hit me again and in the end I have believed him time and time again that he has changed, only to find out when his fist hits my face again that he hasn't changed and his anger is still there.  He doesn't drink or take drugs it is just him, he gets wound up by the smallest thing and I won't even know what it is that is bothering him, it is something he is thinking about most of the time but I have to suffer the beatings for it.  I have tried to be a good caring loyal supportive wife to him no matter how he treated me.

It has been a few months since I was battered again by him, and this time after his arrest I gave up on him and have since applied for divorce in the cilvil courts.  He has since applied for contact with the children through the courts too, but mydaughter after having seen so much violence has said she never wants to seee him again.  Since the last incident she witnessed she has suffered nightmares and wakes up at night crying for him to stop hitting mummy.

I am extremly worried about the future and wheteher I am doing the right thing or not by going through this divorce I don't want my daughters growing up and blaming me in anyway.  I struggle each day financially as I am only supporting myself and my children via government benefits.  My husband does not support me and my daughters in anyway whatsoever.

I feel so empty all of the time and hardly sleep as I sit and think and cry most of the day and night.  I just don't know what to do anymore for myself and my children.
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« Reply #1 on: Apr 09, 2008 03:07 AM »

salam

i am so sorry sis that you had to go thru all this ...

i think you are doing the right thing with filing for divorce.  your daughters deserve a better and safer environment.  it is not healthy at all that they witnessed the abuse.

try to take things one day at a time.  in terms of supporting yourself and daughters, try to contact your community and ask for some support.  can you work?  maybe you can apply for a government funded training program.  are you in n. america?  do you have access to a muslim social worker?

remember that with every hardship there is ease, and Allah is all hearing all seeing.  May Allah make things easy on you.  please let us know how you are doing.  remember the power of dua. 

you and your daughters are in my dua's insha'Allah. 

take care
wassalam
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« Reply #2 on: Apr 09, 2008 03:57 PM »

As-Salaam `alaykum,

Dear Sr. Muslimah,

May Allah(SubHana Wa Ta`ala) ease your pain and shower you with his blessings.  I'm really glad you had the courage to get out of this situation, before it was too late.

Please take good care of yourself and don't worry because Allah(SubHana Wa Ta`ala) will provide as always.
You're in our prayers,

Your sister,
Siham

"Do not treat people with contempt, nor walk insolently on the earth. Allah does not love the arrogant or the self-conceited boaster. Be modest in your bearing and subdue your voice, for the most unpleasant of voices is the braying of the ass." [The Holy Qur'an, Surah Luqman - 31:18-19]
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« Reply #3 on: Apr 09, 2008 04:55 PM »

salam

Where are you?? If in the UK, you're entitled to loads of state benfits and do not be afraid or embarrassed to accept or ask for it. Also you're entitled to at the very least 50% of the family assets.

If your daughter does not wish to have contact with her father, appeal to the courts that he only have a certain number of hours contact under strict supervision only at a contact centre because your baby is terrified of him and you are worried about the psychological trauma she has been suffering due to her fathers behaviour. If he isnt paying maintenence you may find the court rules he forfeit contact.
Also obtain school reports and I am assuming social services has been involved in your case if you have had to call the police repeatedly and your daughter witnessed the violence, speak to your case worker for help to back up your desire to limit contact and only under strict supervision, also get hold of the police officers involved too. School reports will give detailed explanations of the effect on your daughters behaviour and teachers can also back up your suggestion that contact would further traumatise your child.

Also if you havent done so already get an injunction and a prohibitive steps order against your husband, it should be relatively simple if you have police records backing up your accusations.

IM if you need help.

You are doing the right thing taking yourself and your child from harms way, nobody should have to live like you have described.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #4 on: Apr 09, 2008 07:35 PM »

he should be ordered by court to pay child support whether he gets to see the children or not its his obligation because it his kids.
If you daughter is terrified of him and she wake s up in the night crying then you are obviously doing the best for her by getting  her away from this situation before she gets worse.  Also you can get involved with soical workers and they will help you go to a councelor for you and your child, and they will help you get through this. I recommend definately taking her to a child psychologist to help her deal with all of this and if would do you good to talk to a councelor after all you have been through. Their services are free.

Aslamualaikum
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« Reply #5 on: Apr 09, 2008 09:22 PM »

Asalamualaikum wrt,


All praise be to Allah.


It is a shame to see what this man is doing.  Has he not heard the verse of Allah Most High (translation of meaning):

"And live with them (your wives) honourably."



The Prophet may peace and blessings of Allah be upon him said:

"The best of you (in character) are the best of you to their wives and family, and I am the best of you to my family."


On another occasion, he cautioned those leading the camels carrying the Muslim women, saying:

"Be gentle with these fragile vessels, (ie. the women)."


It is a shame to see those betraying the values and aims of their religion, and instead of coming to the west to propogate Islam and guide the people, they seek out an American or European woman to get citizenship, and then harm her or divorce her.  Many times, the wife converts to Islam and becomes a better Muslim than the husband.

Such people who do this villify the image of Islam, instead of guiding people, they misguide them by their behavior.



Unfortunately, we on this message board to not have the ability to speak to your husband, and offer him advice on how to rectify this dangerous behavior.  This is why it is important to keep a good connection with the scholars (Ulema) in your community, invite them to your houses, and form relationships and seek their advice.  Thus, when difficulites arise, you can go to them and they can provided needed intervention in the family relationship.

Unfortunately, without this bond and connection to the Ulema, many people cannot get a handle on marriage problems until it is too late.  The solution is to seek the input of the scholars throughout ones marriage life.



Also, this is another reason why we as Muslims should seek righteousness and piety when getting married.  How can a pious and righteous person do this to his wife, when the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said:

"Will one of you hit his wife, and then sleep with her at night?"

And the Prophet, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, forbade hitting in the face.



As for advice I can give to you, honorable sister:


1.)  Keep in communication with the imam and scholars in your community, and follow their advice, and guidance.


2.)  In general circumstances, the following rulings apply:


-The father is financially responsible for his children, food, clothing, housing, etc.

-The father is entitled to see his children.

-The children's religion should be preserved and protected under all circumstances, so they do not apostate, and they should attain the proper religious education.


3.)  The mother should do her best to preserve her religion, especially in the times of divorce, and keep regular in prayer and not let sadness or depression cause her to swerve in her religion.



May Allah guide us all to follow the Sunnah, and the scholars, and follow in the footsteps of the righteous predecessors.


And Allah knows best.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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« Reply #6 on: Apr 09, 2008 11:39 PM »

Asslamo Alaykum

Firstly Jazakallah to all of you who read my post and replied, when one is feeling as low as I am at present it makes such a difference that someone out there has taken the time out to write these words.

Sis Um Aboodi - It is difficult to work at the moment as my youngest is nit in school yet but I am hoping to find something part time that will help with my finances.  I am living in the U.K and do not have a muslim social worker she is english and came to see me when she heard about this incident to file a report.

Sis Siham - Jazakallah fore your kind words, please remember me and my children in your duas.

Sis Fozia - The only state benefits I am entitled to is Income Support and Child Tax Credit which to be honest does not mount up to be alot when you have to pay all the bills look after the children's food needs, clothes etc and then take care of the debts that my loving husband has left me in, he had brought things on my name and used my credit cards to pay for things but mothing can be done about that as it is my name on it and my pin number that is used so I am responsible for them.  The hearing date for the contact order is very soon, It is the first hearing so I suppose I will have to wait and see what happens.  Since he was arrested his bail conditions did not allow him to make contact with me but then once they were off he began to pester me again telling me I would regret the divorce decision then it was to tell me how he still cared about me etc etc In the end my solicitor wrote to tall him it was his final warning and he should back off.

Sis Blackrose The Child Support payments were supposed to be going through but I have since found out due to me receiving Income Support benefit I will receive £10 from him this is meant for both children and the C.S.A will take £40 they get £50 from him and give me £10 - Is it worth it?

Bro Abdurahman - Oh he knows all the verses where he is supposed to treat his wife with kindness and provide for his wife and children and he is very good at preaching these verses but he just doesn't follow them and will not act on them.  He has gone to people telling them how much he cares for his children etc but as soon as he left the house the next day he stopped payment for all the bills water, gas. electric, phone and didn't think his children that he cares so deeply about need supporting in anyway.

With regards to people or scholars providing intervention on family life.  This is a tried and tested theory, so many people have been involved in our matters previously and in front of them he has vowed never to repeat his actions they tell me to take him back, I do but it's only a matter of time till he does it again.  You say in general circumstances a father is financially responsible for his children's clothes, food, housing etc I have also read a husband is supposed to support his wife right up until the point her iddat is over but he never cared when he lived with us so do you think he would follow this ruling now?

This next bit that I write may sound mad to some or even all of you but I don't know why when I have time to myself and sit down for a while after the children are sleeping, why then do I still tend to miss him? I know I shouldn't after all that he has put me through but a part of me does, don't know why.  Don't get me a wrong a part of me hates him for what he has done to me and my children when I see their faces and when my daughter still sits in my lap and cries and asks why did he do it mummy and says things like mummy I wish that we could have all lived happily together and he didn't do that to you then I would have had a mummy and a daddy, that hurts me deeply and I don't have the answer for her all I can do is comfort her.

Please make dua for me and my children.  may allah swt help us in our affairs and rectify all our matters.  In his mercy do I seek help.

Sorry I've gone on and on with myself.

Walaikum salaam
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« Reply #7 on: Apr 10, 2008 03:18 AM »

Asalamulaikum sis Muslima

Im sorry I do not know anything about uk currency but Im sure Sister Fozia can help with that.

your feelings dont sound mad at all, they are very normal. Ofcourse you are going to miss him, he  is or was your husband, you had kids with him. People who get beat by their husbands everyday and then finally leave miss their husbands. Its not necessary you miss the bad part, you probably miss all the good things about him, or all the good times you had or how he was. 


For you child and you again I most highly recommend going to a councelor, if you she is young they will do play therapy. To go to a councelor does not mean there is anything wrong with you or the child. perfectly normal people go and perfectly happy couples go also just to make their relationship better, just to talk to someone or just for someone to help them get through with what they are going through.  Ask your social worker if they or neone they are affiliated with offer free services for woman who cant afford it.  It will help her deal with it, help her understand, and help her get through it inshAllah.

Its a good thing to tell the deeni brothers to keep calling him and telling him of the consequences if he doesnt obey Allah swt commands and doesnt pay for you during your iddath and keep putting pressure on him.  I personally dont like when people get away with this kind of stuff.  Its not about only the money but its also about justice. Also you can have your soical worker hire a lawyer that can find out how much business and assets he has so you can get your share inshAllah

take care
much love and duas to you and your kids
keep me in your duas also,
your sister
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« Reply #8 on: Apr 10, 2008 05:11 AM »

peace be upon you

First of all, I am sorry to hear of this person'd violence, and the pain you have to face.

Next, I think you may be underestimating whata benefits you are entitled to. The laws in UK now more balanced in the (ex-)wife's favour, and insteatd of jumping to what you may not be entitled to, I suggest you contact sister Fozia, and she will certainly be able to guide you. Also even if he has bought things in your name, and with your creddit card, you lode a complaint, and the police/courts will recover the things he ahs bought. Just get a lwyer or ask ssiter Fozia.

As for the hurt and the "missing him" bit; it is not mad. It is quite natural, but please say Inna liaahe wa inna elehi rajioon. Allahumma ajirni fi museebati, wakhluf li kheiramminha. See my Islamic blog for the dua:

http:\www.islam-timbuktu.blogspot.com

May Allah make your life here and in the Hereafter easy, and compensate you in the way that is becoming of His Generosity.

aameen
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« Reply #9 on: Apr 10, 2008 12:04 PM »

salam

First gather all your bank statements and credit card statements.

Look up all the fraudulent transactions and report them to the bank. Write to the headoffice (or the complaints address on the back of the statement), informing them that the transactions were done by your husband who intercepted your pin and stole your card from you, or opened accounts falsely under your name. You have no knowledge nor authorisation for these transactions. Ask the bank to freeze your joint account including any interest till the financial settlement of your divorce has been sorted as you are in no position to pay the debt let alone the mounting interest. Tell them they must do this as they will otherwise face lengthy litigation to recover the debt that was not incurred by you. But before asking them to freeze your account ensure you have a bank account of your own for money to go in. Tell the tax credit people you are now seperated from your husband this will push up your tax credits a bit more.

Go to the police and tell them fraud has been carried out on your bank acocunt and cards, pass on the details to your solicitor, and the crime reference number to the bank.

Do you live in your own home?? you can get a council tax discount as you are single and on income support. Deifintely pursue whatever payments the CSA finds for you.

Ask your solicitor to transfer assets to your name and debts to his, you did not incur the debts he did.

Ask your solicitor to apply for an injunction and a prohibitive steps order, speak to your social worker ask her to help you with regards contact, if it comes to court your social worker being on your side will help you. If your daughter is terrified of her father then it is it most definitely not in her interest to be forced to see him. Putting your baby in harms way is not the way to go. Ask your GP to refer you and your little girl to therapy for the trauma (you can use this in court as well).

Apply for legal aid if you're on such limited finance than you will definitely get it. Go into the benefits agency and ask them if you are entitled to financial help towards bills ie gas and electricity (you will be if you're on income support), you can also get milk tokens, and free school dinners for your child and free school uniform, you are also entitled to a discount on travel cards/bus passes. Apply for everything, I've been working my ass off since I was 17 I want you to benefit from the taxes I've paid for all those years.

And sweetheart you are so not alone, my ex has done almost exactly the same, but he shouldnt have screwed with an accountant, I'm not shouldering any of his debt, I have told the banks that point blank, they said but its in joint names I said you are talking about taking the roof from over my childrens head, I did not authorise those transaction I did not benefit from those withdrawals, I refuse to accept any repsonsibility for this debt. And I will walk away with the assets and none of the debt, the angrier he makes me the more I will take..... It's me and my girls and no man should mess with a mother.


If you're in East London  I can recommend a very good solicitor.

Be strong, you can mourn when this is all over.

Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #10 on: Apr 10, 2008 10:40 PM »


Asslamo Alaykum

Jazakallah again to all of you for replying.

Sis Fozia - Where do you get the strength from to fight all of this battle? I feel as though I am empty and have nothing left in me anymore.  And mine has in way just begun, I still have to go through all the court hearings etc yet and feel like this.

My health visitor did offer me counselling for my daughter and said have a think about it and she could then do a referral but I haven't contacted her again yet, my Dr asked me today if I wanted to see a professional too and as I told him I hardly sleep he said he could offer me sleeping pills and anti depressants but that would not solve all of my problems.  I refused the pills.

Will my credit card company not find it a little awkward now that all of a sudden I say I am not making the payment for the outstanding amount as it's not my debt although it's my card? As since my husband left I had to start paying them and have been doing it since then. 

I just feel as though he has broken me into thousands of tiny pieces and I find it so hard now.  I have my parents and my sister etc around me who I can talk to about all of this but I try not to show to much emotion in front of them, but some days I find it so difficult that I feel as though I'm suffering from a nervous breakdown.  I just wish I could get over him and all of this and have a better life for me and my children.  I sometimes sit and listen to them and just watch them and my heart aches and I have to leave the room as my eyes well up as I think what sort of childhood memories are these beautiful girls going to have? What are they going to look back on when they are older and smile about? and this just hurts so deeply.

I am in Manchester by the way my solicitor seems quite good and is helping me alot through all of this

I pray to Allah swt to shower his mercy on all of you for showing your kindness and helping me through your words.

May Allah swt help all of us and rectify our affairs.

Waliakum Salaam

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« Reply #11 on: Apr 11, 2008 11:28 AM »

salam

I find strength in keeping busy, and when it gets too much and I want to cry, I pray at night time a lot.

Your children will look back and thank you for getting them out of the horror they lived thro. It's no life for small children to be caught between warring parents, I had to get out when my girls started saying they would take care of me when they were bigger, and when they began wiping away my tears and kissing my bruises better..... thats no life for small children........

It doesnt matter what your credit card company says or thinks just do it, write to them and beg and plead and just point blank tell them that you cannot make any further payments, and then dont pay.
Tell them you have paid as much as you can and now it's going to court, and get yourself to the police and register these fraudulent transactions, if anyone queries it, tell them you were scared you would not be taken seriously, but you are now utterly unable to meet these payments.
Ask your solicitor to mention these transactions in the court hearing, demand an interim maintenance order as well, using these fraudulent charges as a reason that ex cannot be trusted at all financially, as well as citing the fact you need to put a roof over the head of your children and feed and clothe them.
Also when you write to the credit card company, ask them to provide you with a detailed breakdown of all the transactions made, ie where, when, to whom, and how were these transactions made. If he made cash withdrawals, they have cctv at atms and it will show clearly that it was not you. Ask the credit card company for this in writing too so you can give this to your solicitor.
Anything you give to your solicitor keep a copy of as well just in case.

Go claim housing benefit too. Claim everything, pay out nothing. It's not your debt, he can take it back and do whatever he likes with it, you did not benefit so you most certainly do not pay for these transactions.

You have the three month iddat period in which to mourn when all this is over, dont think about the long term, for now just think of today and tomorrow. And I bet your children are far happier now then when they were witnessing the abuse. And accept the therapy offered, it will help your children and you, you need someone to offload on and it will help in court as well.

I'm not strong, I'm a mother and although there have been times when all I want to do is curl up in a dark corner and rock back and forth I cant do that, I also have a very close friend who I have spent hours on the phone too in utter inconsolable hysteria.

Trust me with regards the finances, I know what I'm talking about here, and dont keep paying his bills because you feel sorry for him, it's you and your children now, your ex is responsible for his own actions not you.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #12 on: Apr 11, 2008 01:02 PM »

peace be upon you

When mothers look at or think of their children, they sudenly become so strong everyone is frightened. It is there in nature for all to see. Just think of your child.
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« Reply #13 on: Apr 11, 2008 11:16 PM »


Asslamo Alaykum

Sis Fozia - I admire the strength that you have within you, I know that you will have your bad days too just as I do but I seriously think you mashallah have a lot more strength than I do. 

I know what you mean when you say with regards to children wiping your tears and kissing your bruises etc as mine have done that to me too.  And both of them much more than before will tell me they love me, even halfway through the night nowdays, but it makes me smile. It has affected my eldest quite deeply and she thinks about things so much that even I cannot believe the things that she says and don't understand how a 6 year old is thinking like this.

I will take your advise and try to talk to the credit card company or write to them and take things from there, I will also have a word with my solicitor to see what she can say about all of it too, but what worries me is if I stop paying then that will affect my credit scoring  will it not?

I have had them days and still do at times when you just want to sit in a corner and you cry and rock yourself back and forth, then I have the days when I sit on the prayer mat and cry for help from allah swt and feel that I won't be able to cope with it all and ask myself how am I going to get through life with my children all by myself? How do I cope with their needs etc? So many questions that just go round and round my head.

Bro Timbuktu - Jazakallah for your advise.  You are right that a mother gets her strength from her children, it is my children that get me out of bed each day, if it wasn't for them I probably would stay there.  I know that the rest of my life is not going to be an easy ride and I feel that I am going to have to face a lot more difficulties along the way, and then I think will I be able to handle that all by myself?

Walaikum Salaam
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« Reply #14 on: Apr 11, 2008 11:41 PM »

Dear Sister Asalamulikum,

I just wanted to share a few words with you. Firstly, I felt a lot of sorrow when I read your post about the fact your husband would rather speak with his fists than with the mouth Allah gave him to communicate.

My father dumped me and my mother when I was little. But before he did so he mentally tortured my mum every single minute he was with her. He was a nasty piece of work. I'm glad he wasn't around throughout my life and I'm so glad he is not around my mother, my husband and I now as I'd be very scared he'd influence others to think the way his twisted mind worked.

You maybe scared sister about your daughters potentially putting blame on you for the divorce. Please do not worry sister. My mother worried too. She was worried that I would fall for my grandmothers false statements and I'd hate my mother and return to her twisted, evil, nasty family. It never did happen. I do however blame someone in this whole situation (I'd like to add though that nothing happens without Allah) and that is my Grandfather. Do you know how big Birmingham Central Mosque is? Well he was the chairman of that mosque for as long as I can remember but he did not justice for me or my mother. He represents the man I know the media love-the two-faced Muslim who's stuck up and cannot represent Muslims to save his own life. How he sat proud and all butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. How he lives in his nearly a million pound house whilst my mother worked in factories to support me and give me the best because my father and grandfather wouldn't.

My grandfather and father basically washed his hands of me. My father, my grandfather and my uncles ALL had the option to be at my nikkah-the beginning of a new life and guess what sister? None of them were present. So even if I had of been gullable as a child I would have clicked at the time of my nikkah nearly two years ago (who year anniversay on Monday). Divorce is one of those things that we wished would never happen but often to do damage limitation we must do it.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this time but one day you'll look back at it and it will seem like a bad dream. My mother sadly still suffers from nightmares which I wish I could stop. My mother will never forgive my father and I don't think I will ever be a good enough Muslim to do so. What you need to remember is whatever you are doing you are doing it to safeguard yours and your daughters futures. If you don't think about it sadly noone else will (of course I'm talking people here).

W/salam

Our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) wasn't just sent to guide us Muslims, he is a unique, true example to EVERYONE.
This life is only a test-passing will equal Jannah, Inshallah!
Oh Muslim brothers and sisters-consider sponsoring an Orphan if Allah has blessed you with the finances to do so-Ameen.
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« Reply #15 on: Apr 12, 2008 12:53 PM »

salam

go on www.creditexpert.co.uk, you can run a credit report on yourself, pull up all the accounts you did not open, and ring experian and tell them they are not yours. Experian is one of the main credit search copanies that are used by big companies, once they have flagged up your account as having fraud on it, you should be OK.

Speak to them explain what had happened how you were unaware till your ex left that he was doing this and that these are not your transactions, and that there are ongoing disputes on these accounts. And very seriously I would go to the police as well, you dont need these on your credit history.

Once thigns are sorted out, then ring experian and ask for these accounts ot be removed form your credit history as they are nothing to do with you. Your credit history should then be fine inshallah.

I'm not strong, I just cannot be bothered to care about ex enough to be terribly unhappy, and alhumdulillah my girls are so much more calmer and happier now, but I know exactly what you mean about the way your eldest behaves mine does too I'm hoping with time she wil  regain some of the lost innocence or at least find peace of mind form the security and love she now has inshallah.

Dont put off dealing with the finance side it gets worse the longer you leave it, IM me if you need help I'll write you sample letters if you like, you need this sorted ASAP.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #16 on: Apr 13, 2008 11:16 AM »

Assalamo Ailkum,
Dear Sister.
My heart breaks for what you have suffered, May Allah give you strength to come through  this difficult time....It is so hard but  Allah sends"ease after hardship".

Don't beat yourself up about feeling you just want to sit in a corner...you are bound to feel this just work through these feelings....You will come out stronger...

I am based iin the Uk and agree with Sister Fozia that you must tell the credit card company that these debts were incurred by your previous husband. Change your pin number or get them to issue a new credit card..Go for every state benefit you can....take it all...you are entitled to it....Later when you are  feeling up to it you can go for retraining or part-time work. Most importantly do not return to this man whatever he says.....you are doing the right thing for you and your daughters.
You and your daughters are in my duahs.
Take good care.
Salaams.
JJ
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« Reply #17 on: Apr 14, 2008 09:30 PM »

As-Salaam `alaykum,

Dear Sr. Muslimah,

Naturally, recovery hasn't been easy, it always takes time sister but insha`Allah it will get better in time... al-hamdulillah you are not alone, you have your family by your side and now you can at least move forward and develop what would be the best situation for you and your children.

Moreover, everything that is unexpected is a great premise to live by, because you never know what Allah(SubHana Wa Ta`ala) has in store for you (therefore expect the best from Allah(SubHana Wa Ta`ala).  To worry about what might happen, or to control what might happen is futile.  So, please do what you can and leave the rest to Allah(SubHana Wa Ta`ala), it's really a release when you approach life like that.

Insha`Allah Kheir.

You're all in my prayers.
W`salaam

"Do not treat people with contempt, nor walk insolently on the earth. Allah does not love the arrogant or the self-conceited boaster. Be modest in your bearing and subdue your voice, for the most unpleasant of voices is the braying of the ass." [The Holy Qur'an, Surah Luqman - 31:18-19]
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« Reply #18 on: Apr 14, 2008 10:52 PM »

Assalamo Ailkum.
Dear Sister Muslimah.
What sound words from Sister Siham....follow this advice and Insha Allah you will become stronger.
I know sometimes when we feel in total despair it is not easy...I need to remember these words myself...

You have no choice but to protect your daughters and yourself....No doubt there will be times when you will be overcome by loneliness, it will pass, you are young and deserve a better life for you and your girls...This man is a coward.
You are in my duahs.
Keep safe.
Salaams.
JJ
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« Reply #19 on: Apr 15, 2008 08:00 AM »

peace be upon you

You said:
Quote
I know that the rest of my life is not going to be an easy ride and I feel that I am going to have to face a lot more difficulties along the way, and then I think will I be able to handle that all by myself?

First of all, never ever say or even have negative thoughts about yourself, your children or society. If Allah (swt) takes you up on that, where will you be. So always says nice, bright, things.

Next, if I told you about my mother's or aunts problems, and how they managed, you will say they had extraordinary strength, but I say that all mothers have such strength.

And if you face difficulties and hardships, only Allah can bring you out of these, and He will reward you as well.

Seek stregth and good fortune from Allah (swt), and think of a bright future for yourself and your children.
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Oh Allah, Guide us to the Straight Path.


« Reply #20 on: Apr 15, 2008 09:12 PM »

Asalamualaikum wrt,


All praise be to Allah.


Honorable sister,


It is also important that you get in touch with an Imam so that you can obtain a Islamically valid divorce.  Simply filing papers with the government will entitle you to a legal divorce, but it is not valid Islamically until an Imam or Islamic judge pronounces it.  Once the divorce is pronounced, you will having a waiting period, called the 'Iddah, for 3 menstrual cycles.  During this time, you cannot remarry or accept a marriage proposal.  From the wisdom of mandating the 'Iddah in Islam, is the great respect for the marriage bond, and its coming undone is not a minor event.

Furthermore, after the 'Iddah, you can put your former relationship behind you and look forward.

One other thing to mention is that, as was mentioned before, you are not entitled to 50% of your husband's property.  Taking this property would be unfair in the eyes of Allah.  However, you are entitled to your portion of your property held jointly with your husband, your full Mahr, child support, maintainance during your 'Iddah, and Mut'ah (gift given at the time of divorce) if the judge deems it appropriate.  Please refer to the scholars in your community to help you in this regard.


One final note, once a divorce is pronounced by the Islamic judge, you cannot return to your former husband except with a new marriage contract, and a new Mahr, etc.



And Allah knows best.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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« Reply #21 on: Apr 16, 2008 01:40 AM »

ok she is not living in an islamic country so where is she going to find an islamic judge?Huh?Huh???

your are forgetting alot of stuff brother, she was abused, not only mentally but physically too! In an Ideal Islamic nation there would be punishment for that, so by getting money this is another way.  Islam is all about justice.  And you are to follow the land that you live in, andddddd she is saying that he is NOT paying while she is in iddah and she is not recieveing support for her children by her husband, and islamically if she is not reciving it then she is suppose to take. Islam is not just clear cut, every situation is different, and it does depend wher eyou live ect.
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« Reply #22 on: Apr 16, 2008 09:05 AM »

salam


I love the way men (and usually it is men), use 'islamic' laws when it suits them.

All debts incurred by your husband are his that's final, any dispute with regards this and I will stand with you when the hour comes and ask of the one who created the both of us for justice on this one.
Any assets you sue for (and I would), are going to pay for the maintenance of your children, ie the children upon whom he has to spend.

Personally speaking, I dont hold out any expectations on my ex paying for his children, the months we've been seperated, he has not once considered how is children may be getting on, who is feeding them, clothing them...etc.

Actually you are sooo right forget 50%, I want 100% of the assets, and he can walk with his own incurred debt, I've physically put every last penny I have ever earned in my entire life into this marriage, I'll smack anyone who tells me that I should now walk away in one set of clothing, and a 'gift' and my girls and nothing else.
In point of fact, I will ask Allah for the justice in this and I'm not forgiving anyone who says that I should be effectively thrown out on the streets with nothing more than the clothes on my back. By the way my Mahr was £14.00 I couldn't get a cab ride to my mums house on that, and it most certainly would not even begin repaying the money I have spent in paying off interest on the ex's debt (I did meet monthly payments for a while before finding the paperwork and realising just exactly what it was I was paying for).
 
It's precisely this half baked 'advice' that allows muslim men to ruin the lives of so many muslim women without consequence, Alhumdulillah that neither you nor I live in a 'muslim' country at this point in time.
If you need help with the financial side I can and will help you.

Any assets I receive thro my divorce settlement will be monies returned to me that was rightfully mine to begin with, I will be the one caring for my children and spending on them from money I have earned and will earn in the future inshallah, I have no intention of transgressing the boundaries set by Allah, altho ex has done so and I hold no expectations of him to desist any time soon.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #23 on: Apr 16, 2008 07:48 PM »

Assalamo Ailkum..
Well said Sister Fozia,
Too many women have tolerated this type of life for too long.....I think a man who does not support his children tops the list in "unislamic behaviour".
It is time these men were exposed...Trust in Allah ...all will turn out well....
Be brave Sister Muslimah and Sister Fozia...
Salaams.
JJ
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« Reply #24 on: Apr 17, 2008 03:57 AM »

peace be upon you

I am with the sisters here. We cannot apply partial Islamic law to suit the male. All that can be taken from this offender should be taken and given to the ex-wife for the upkeep of her children, and some compensation for the abuse and torture she has suffered.
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