// How DO Muslims get married?
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Nature
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« on: Jul 28, 2012 11:08 PM »


I think this is a classic question. As soon as one says, "I don't date." or tries to explain that Muslims do not/should not date, the first puzzled question is, "Then how do you expect to get married?"

I was scratching my head over how to answer this to my friends and peers without seeming reaaaally old-fashioned, boring, unloving, and bringing up the negative idea of "arranged marriage". (you know the reaction, ZOMG arranged marriage are you insane???) In my culture in the Middle east the idea is that you kind-of date while at college so as to get married...which is what most of them do, go through "light weight" romances rather than Western dating, then get married. So if I say noooo, dating is wrong the reply is generally, "I'm not doing anything physical or wrong, how else will one get to know people so you can get engaged? How will you know if you like them?" They're not really acquainted with the idea of "arranged introduction" and careful chaperoned courtship being an Islamic way to go.

I tried to explain it like this, "Say I meet someone who I really like, at college or whatever. We meet with our families, formally court so as to ask each other important questions, if we feel that we're good life partners and we like each other enough we get engaged!"

Then I realized how ridiculous that may sound.

So how would you explain how Muslims get married? How do Muslims get married in your culture?
Fozia
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« Reply #1 on: Jul 29, 2012 01:03 AM »

We are introduced to prospective partners under chaperoned conditions is my reply.


And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #2 on: Jul 29, 2012 02:08 AM »

How do Muslims get married in your culture?
You wouldn't want to know lol
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« Reply #3 on: Jul 30, 2012 09:28 AM »

How do Muslims get married in your culture?
You wouldn't want to know lol

 Cheesy I wish I didn't know myself- its better not knowing what you are in for as Indians.  Undecided
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« Reply #4 on: Jul 30, 2012 12:00 PM »

How do Muslims get married in your culture?
You wouldn't want to know lol

 Cheesy I wish I didn't know myself- its better not knowing what you are in for as Indians.  Undecided
Trust me, its always better to know, more so than elsewhere. I can horror you out of the thought of marriage with the stories I've heard.

btw, I think sis Nature deserves an answer though. In my culture(Indian - Hyderabadi) you won't know you're getting married until your parents tell you. And you can't want to get married, you'll be branded shameless(especially girls). And mostly, you don't get to see or talk to whoever you're getting married to, parents settle everything and if you're lucky, show you a photo that has quite likely been photoshopped. Parents fix the date, the venue, how much money is going to be spent, the colour of your wedding dress...etc etc etc. You have almost no say in your own wedding. For girls, there's the added problem of future in-laws dictating everything. So, this fantasy that the world dreams about that Indian culture is so rich and so beautiful, is just plain rubbish! It's more problematic than you can imagine.
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« Reply #5 on: Jul 30, 2012 02:44 PM »

It would be funny if it weren't true.

It's changing here in the West tho. I want my girls to be happy and that entails they have a detailed say in their future spouse inshallah.

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #6 on: Jul 30, 2012 06:30 PM »

I don't see it changing here, at least not any time soon. By my estimates, it would probably take at least half a century for it to change even a wee bit. Ugh!
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« Reply #7 on: Jul 30, 2012 07:16 PM »

This how we get married in Malawi (this is for most of the cultures but there are few who are different).
To start with arranged marriages are not very common even among muslim. Boy and girl date normally without parents knowing. When they feel ready to get married they boy tells the family. The girl is introduced to the boys family first and she will go alone. Then the girl will tell her family most cases an aunt or uncle. After this the boy will visit the girls family where he will be formally introduced.
After this the boys family (uncles and aunties or anyone but not parents) goes to girls family to ask for a hand in marriage if they say yes a day for engangement is set.
On this day all introductions are made and its left to the owners. You decide what you want. Small function or big function. Most parents these days dont want a small wedding especially mothers. People are even saying if your wife or husband is good for you then why hide her/him to rest of the world.
If its a big wedding then you should the money. You decide whatever you want for your wedding with parents help.
Culture is something not left out amongst us. Those that need abride price it said when they go to ask for a hand in marriage. Most nikkahs in Malawi are copycats we do almost everything that christian do leaving some parts. So roughly thats how Malawians get married although in some cases some steps are left out.
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« Reply #8 on: Aug 01, 2012 03:59 PM »

Wow... Shocked scary!
akhan
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« Reply #9 on: Aug 01, 2012 04:02 PM »

What happens in your culture sis? And where are you from btw? If you don't mind
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« Reply #10 on: Aug 02, 2012 07:40 AM »

I can sympathize with akhan, at least as far as my family in India is concerned (dad's side). As far as I know, most of my cousins, both male and female, met once if at all  (I was involved with one, where the guy was here in my city, so I helped give the seal of "approval", along with my mom!). This is preceded by picture exchange, as akhan mentioned. As far as the kid deciding, I think in my family, it's basically when the education is complete and job secure, for both a daughter and son. I even talked about to one cousin-in-law about it and he said he was cool with how things were done. Only one male cousin chose his bride from among his acquaintances/friends and let me tell you, it was full of drama!!

I tell people I don't date, but I explain how we both have the choice to say "no" and that there is no physical contact, etc. Of course, each family and individual differs on their intention and approach.  I did have a recent "omg arranged marriage, WTH?" moment with a non-Muslim myself  Grin

So far though, I can say, the marriages on my dad's side have been successful for the most part but yes, the one I was invovled with, they are doing great alhamdulillah, but early there was the issue of the guy's parents having certain expectations with my cousin's career and $$ potential.

My 2 cents.

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« Reply #11 on: Aug 02, 2012 02:46 PM »

What happens in your culture sis? And where are you from btw? If you don't mind

I'm of Sudanese ethnic origin so my culture is like a mix of Arab and African cooked up into something unique!  Smiley but I'm an American citizen by birth, so my impressions are slightly 'outsider' if you know what I mean.

For your everyday young person in the city (like my friends) they're expected to meet someone themselves, generally in college, who their family like as well. Girls are pressured to be married at least by the end of college. So what I basically see people are out to do is semi-dating until they find someone.

OR if you're religious or you DON'T find someone you'll have a zillion suitors presented to you by your aunties and be expected to choose one after meeting them. I'm not totally sure how that works, but it sounds like a fairly short process, I dont think you'd be taken seriously if you pulled out Jannah's "100 Top Questions to ask Prospectives".    Grin

I come from a conservative family and my mom tells me that there are already plans to set me up with a doctor from Saudi being cooked up in the family.  Roll Eyes  So my mom and I are all   madauntie

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« Reply #12 on: Aug 02, 2012 03:21 PM »

I think its okay if aunties genuinely want to set up their nephews/nieces with someone because they care for them. But, usually that's not the case, its only for the sake of "marriage". And even if they let the prospectives meet, they're in a hurry to expedite the process without letting the two actually figure out each other, again, just for the sake of "marriage". That's where I have a problem. The setting up process is usually just for the sake of it, not out of genuine concern.

oh and btw, Saudi's a great place so you might wanna consider that doctor Wink
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« Reply #13 on: Aug 02, 2012 04:17 PM »

Sis Nature maybe you should agree to meet the guy?

Speak to him then discuss the matter with your mum?

I know for sure I will never ever impose my decision on my children. At the end it is their lives they will live with the consequences of the decision to marry, not me.

I'll guide and advise. But the final decision will always be theirs.

May Allah grant us all the best in this life & the hereafter.

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #14 on: Aug 02, 2012 10:36 PM »

Yeaaaah akhan that's EXACTLY the problem, they just want to matchmake and certainly don't have my best interests in mind, that's why I said my mother and I are like NO WAY. Also their idea of what makes a good husband (here's a hint, he makes a LOT of money) is VERY different from what would suit me.

Sis Fozia, I'm not even 17 yet, I'm not really out to meet guys for marriage yet.  Smiley If you can imagine having very interfering aunties tell you who you should marry your teenage daughter to after having attempted to rule the REST of your life for you...I think your advice would be more similar to my mom's!

Let's just say family politics suck.
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« Reply #15 on: Aug 02, 2012 11:19 PM »

Good grief well that changes everything. Tell your mum to tell them you're too young and leave you alone!

I thought you were in your twenties! Smiley

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #16 on: Aug 03, 2012 01:47 AM »

Yikes! You're just 17? I thought you were older. Anyway, congratulations on usurping me as the youngest madinan bebzi

Yea, family politics suck big time. Same thing even in my family. Last year an aunt brought a rishta for my sister who was just 15 at the time and the guy was 30 something and he/his family just wanted a beautiful girl. Pathetic!
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