// What should I do???
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« Reply #25 on: Nov 27, 2012 02:06 PM »

Dear OP, I can understand that you're going through an extremely tough time but, remember that we only know a fraction of a dimension of your problem. There are probably a million dimensions in your life - the past, your and your husband's personalities, your relationship prior to this problem, your circumstances, kids...etc etc - that we have no clue about. It is not without reason that tradition says that when you can't solve your marital problems, you go to an arbitrator whom both spouses know well and trust. This person will understand your situation better than us, sitting in front of a computer screen and Allah knows in which part of the world. We will speak from our experiences which may or may not be the best solution for you.

Although I think you should find your own solution, my two cents. I speak from the kids' perspective. My parents got divorced when I was quite young and the problems that came with it were numerous, each one worse than the previous. I don't know how your relationship is, but if the kids have seen it to be largely decent, it will be extremely traumatic for them.

If your husband has been a decent father, if he provides for you and the children, if your relationship was normal before this incident, if you still love him and if he's willing to keep the marriage alive for whatever/whoever's sake, it means there is still a chance for reconciliation. Don't jump at divorce without trying every single option you have. It is supposed to be the LAST resort, don't make it the first. If Allah hates it so much, its not without reason and He knows better than us.

Your husband married you because he likes you, don't give him a reason to hate you. As long as he's willing to keep the marriage alive, you can win him back. I know this sounds like you're supposed to do everything and like its all your fault(which its not) but that's why you shouldn't be taking our advice in the first place. We have no lives of our own(I certainly don't have one) and that's why we're rambling off things that are easier said than done. There must be someone whom both of you can trust, get that person to listen to both sides and advise you accordingly.

May Allah make our trials easy for us.
« Reply #26 on: Nov 27, 2012 02:14 PM »

we need to practical suggestions

The facts appear to be;

The husband is not willing to be kind.

The husband is not willing to seek counselling or help from a third party

The sister loves her husband, her husband's feelings aren't so clear.

In all of our opinion;
Divorce is difficult

In my personal opinion;
living in a marriage where one party is being cruel is worse.

it has a very bad affect on children.

I don't advocate divorce at the first hurdle, but the posters own mother has recognised the possibility. I don't think any desi mother speaks lightly with regards divorce.

There is nothing to be proud about living in an abusive marriage. It breaks your heart, it breaks your spirit, it tears you away from your faith.

I also do not think the husband will continue in this vein indefinitely. I don't know any man who behaves as the sister describes, to suffer a marriage indefinitely.

Make duas, do istikhara.

Also can you tell us which country you are in so maybe we can point you in the right direction?

« Reply #27 on: Nov 27, 2012 02:31 PM »


I reckon it would be far easier to 'suffer' the marriage if the only hurdle the sister had to overcome was her husband not speaking to her.

Even then, it's a matter of personal tolerance.

The husband has;

Not spoken to his wife for six months

Ignored her for a month while she was at her mothers

Talked badly about his wife amongst his friends, therefore the wives the sister socialises all know her business, whilst she was utterly unaware.

Husband is refusing to have counselling or seek help from a third party

The children have noticed the atmosphere and asked about it.

« Reply #28 on: Nov 27, 2012 03:25 PM »

Right so I've been thinking and haven't got a single constructive piece fo advice.

Therefore I have the following suggestion.

Everyone lets make duas for this sister, may Allah turn this sisters husbands heart to his wife and little children, may he grant him hidaya, and compassion and a soft heart and gentleness in his dealings with his family.
« Reply #29 on: Nov 27, 2012 04:32 PM »

I think it is dangerous for us to recommend divorce when we only know part of the story. I do think you should tell your husband what you overheard and then go from there. Perhaps it was some big misunderstanding. Then discuss any other problems you feel there are between you.

You are in our duas, may Allah improve the situation for you and your family quickly, Ameen.
« Reply #30 on: Aug 24, 2013 09:26 PM »

Salaam my madina family
Almost a year ago u helped me with my problem and till today I shall forever be grateful for what you did. May Allah reward you accordingly. I helped me make the most painful and difficult decision.
To just give you a brief of what happened things sort of moved from where they were to bad. We hardly talked to each other. When I start a convo he would easily avoid it. In January I decided to move in with my mum. It was hard since the children's school is far away from my parents home. I was offered a better job but I knew my husband will not be happy about it. 
After staying at mums place for around 3 months I asked my husband for divorce. It was bad infact I got sick with it. He asked me if that's what I really wanted but I said I wanted things to work. I wanted things to be the way they were. For the first time he was willing to work things out. We found a marriage counselor reffered to us by friends. In may we started going but I was not seeing any progress. I was feeling at times he was saying things just for the sake of saying. After going there for atleast 3 months we agreed to stop. Ramadhan was coming so non of our schedules could accommodate the programme.
This happened a week before Ramadhan.
on the 1st of Ramadhan he asked if he could come and take us for taraweh. I said yes. After taraweh he asked if we could go back home and I accepted. I stayed there the whole month but still there's was no change I felt like he just wanted a maid to cook him nice iftar and make him suhoor. Am sorry that I've talked bad here but that's how things seemed to me. After the eid celebrations I asked him what I did to deserve the treatment. It seems to him he is doing nothing wrong.
He told me that he changed and that's the new him. He will be quite most of the times I was honest to tell him I don't like the new him. I want the old husband of mine. Who was telling me jokes laughing all the time. He told me I better get used. He was quite as usual that night. The next morning I woke up and I said "honey I want adivorce and I want it today. Am sorry but this is not the way am going to spend the rest of my life" he was quite "as usual". I packed the few things I had he offered to drop us at home. The following monday which is last week we started the divorce proceedings. So legally we are divorce but of course islamically am waiting for the idaah period to end.
I feel so bad. Am feeling maybe I didn't do more to save my marriage. The divorce was not hard as he said I should say whatever I want an he'll do it. I feel am the one who has broke my home. Maybe I didn't do more. Thank you all for the suggestion its just bad that things didn't work out. I felt after all the effort you put in giving suggestions the least I can do is tell you the final verdict.
« Reply #31 on: Aug 24, 2013 10:25 PM »

Walaykum salam,

Sorry to hear about that. Sometimes things are not meant to be. May Allah keep you on the right path and give you better.
« Reply #32 on: Aug 24, 2013 11:43 PM »

Innah lillah wa innah Iley hai rajeoon.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Personally from what you say I don't think there was anything more you could have done, I can't quite believe a man would suddenly change in character so drastically over such a trivial issue. He clearly has deep rooted problems or there's someone else. I've never come across anyone who could hold a grudge so long.

I wouldn't be able to live in a house where the other adult is permanently sulking over a fairly minor issue. There's nothing more you could have done after apologising & promising never to repeat your mistake again. I hope he never re-marries, he will only make some other woman incredibly unhappy.

May Allah replace what you've lost with something better.

« Reply #33 on: Aug 25, 2013 05:30 PM »

I'm saddened to hear this. Although it seems like you gave him chances and opportunities to change things.  Hope your children are ok.

I hope your future is bright.
« Reply #34 on: Aug 26, 2013 04:38 AM »

Qadr Allahu wa Masha Fa'al. It was meant to happen and it would've happened even if you hadn't asked for it. The next step is not to feel remorseful and get depressed because that is what shaytan will want. Get over with it and stop thinking that you didn't try enough. It was written down already so forgive and forget and move on with life. The more you think about it the more difficult it will be for you to start a new life. I apologize for being unsympathetically blunt but my experience tells me the earlier you forget these things, no matter how difficult they might be, the better it is. I hope the children are coping easily with it. May Allah make it easy for all of you.
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