// To bear, or not to bear
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« on: May 03, 2008 06:11 PM »


Salams to all...

I'm not seeking solutions, but would like to hear opinions... I've done all the solats,
 and now its time to weigh the issues at hand.

A year after we were married, my husband was struck with cancer... and we've been
 struggling to maintain a stable relationship... because, as some of you would know, dealing with
 a serious illness like that would take its toll on us, emotionally, mentally,
 financially, psychologically. As a young couple, of course, we would like to raise our own
 family... but because of his illness, and our financial, emotional and mental exhaustion, we have
 decided that we'll put it off, forget about raising a child, and instead, focus on our
 relationship... because we think that raising a child would add on to our burden, and we
 see this as a test from God... it would be nice to have a child, but we just can't afford
 it, especially not at a time like this... when the economy is unstable, prices are
 increasing, and the US is in danger or recession...depression... and plainly, we are just
 drained.

So, I just want to hear what some of you think about this... is it selfish of us to want
 to spend every minute together, without a child? I know marriage is encouraged as a means
 to also reproduce more Muslims... but we just can't afford it financially, emotionally
 and mentally...

My husband's cancer is not going to regress or go away anytime soon. He requires long
 term medication and treatment. In fact, as calm as I am in saying this, we don't expect him
 to last more than 2 years from now... yes, I am young... and there is a possibility of
 another husband in the future, but for now...  I only want this husband, my husband... and
 I can't imagine life with anyone else.

I would be most grateful if you, brothers and sisters on this forum, could share your
 thoughts with me.

Your sister in Islam... who wishes to remain anonymous.

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« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2008 06:23 PM »

walaikum salaam sister,

I'm so touched to hear of your situation.  :'( SubhanAllah what a trial to bear. You shouldn't ask to bear or not to bear, you already are! May Allah grant you both patience and happiness and gather to you together in the highest of abodes.

I think sometimes a child brings so much happiness to a family and is definitely a kind of miracle to a marriage. It kind of brings the focus away from two individuals to a family unit, happy milestones, memories and the future. I don't think you should worry about the money issues, somehow these things have a way of working itself out. Do you have family and friends that could help you out? Or community? Heck, even we will help you out inshaAllah! Maybe think about it and discuss it with your husband. Deciding to have a child takes some major thinking and planning, but I've never heard any of my married friends say they regretted it. It could be a good thing for both of you Allahu alam. So I wouldn't reject it outright. Do Istikharah too a few times. And if you still feel extremely uncomfortable and that this will be a very negative thing for both of you khair.

May Allah bless you both!!
wsalaam
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« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2008 06:47 PM »

As salaamu alaikum

I echo Sr. Jannah.  Children are a blessing and always manage to bring happiness and know when an extra dose of it is needed.  Despite the hardships I've encountered - cheating and abusive spouse, single parenthood, financial difficulties, risk of eviction, etc. it was looking into the faces of my children that kept me going, kept me determined and, and kept me focused and grounded (perhaps too grounded).  Underlying all of that was faith and knowing that I had been given three precious gifts and it was my responsibility to do right for them.  There's no telling where I would be or what I would be if I didn't have my children.  I could have achieved more a lot faster or I could have just broken down and been nothing more than a drifter in the wind and either way there is no telling if I would be more or less happy.

No matter how much money one has, financial problems exist; even  the well-off and ultra rich don't think they have enough money to live the lifestyle they choose so one cannot be focused on the current economic climate we are in when there are people who live in such a state of poverty that we count our blessing that we aren't in their shoes, yet they appear happy and don't fret over what they don't have or what they would do or give to have more money and things.  If anything, their lack of money seems to permit them to have a clearer value system that places more weight on the non-material.

Indeed, continue to seek Allah's guidance in this and know that whatever is Allah's will is going to happen.

As salaamu alaikum

Fa'izah
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« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2008 07:23 AM »

I heard in an audio series that our rizq has been decided for us 50,000 years before the dunya was created. 

After hearing that, all of a sudden, money (and associated issues of provision) loses its value, because Allah is the Provider.

My father had his first heart surgery in 1993... 3 months after my baby brother was born.  While he was recovering and undergoing depression (amongst other things)... it was only Ali that could make him smile through his pain.  We all knew that without him my dad's recovery would have been slower.

It's a tough one. I have one other point to make, but i'll hold onto it for now.  May Allah make it easy on you.

Wasalaam.
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« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2008 11:26 AM »

salam

Oh my goodness, you poor thing, may Allah ease the suffering of you and yours.

OK I'm speaking completely from a personal level here.

The decision to try for children or not is entirely down to you and your husband, obviously Allah is the one who grants us children and wealth etc. If you and your husband are both confident and secure in this deicsion, then quite frankly it is nobodys business but yours.

I have had relatives and very close friends suffer from terminal cancer at various stages in my life, and the enormity of living with this illness and its memories is something only one who has experienced it can understand.

Practically childbirth and pregnancy can be a hectic time in ones life, children demand attention and are utterly dependant on their parents (mostly the mother at the begining).
Emotionally a baby could be that bond between you and your husband which may be something to hold on to after this time in your life has passed you by. I don't know, I dont want to add to your pain.

The decision to try for a child is yours entirely, I pray Allah eases your suffering.

My very young cousin is suffering from terminal cancer, he has a very young wife (to whom he has been married I think about two years) and newborn baby. Everyone in the family is frantic, everyone but my cousin who is taking it all in very good humour...which is rather a strange thing to say but that is the way he is.

I never knew about that thing about Rizq sr JO has mentioned. But throughout my life (altho I have never gone thro what you are going thro), I find it very hard to take any sorrow thrown my way at all seriously, there is a rock hard certainity deep in my soul that as Allah has willed so shall it be, and Allah is the most beneficient the most merciful....
Even in my darkest moments, when my head is going, right this is it your stuffed, my heart is still utterly unshakeably certain that everything is just fine and will be fine even if it momentarily isn't.

Take care of yourself.

Love & Duaas



And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2008 05:21 PM »

As-Salaamu `alaykum,
Dear Sister,

I pray that this message finds you well insha`Allah.

Well, if you are thinking about remarrying, then I'd suggest not to raise a child on your own ... please concentrate on your relationship and if Allah(SubHana Wa Ta`ala) wills that you have a child then al-hamdulillah.

May Allah(SubHana Wa Ta`ala) grant you whats best.
Insha`Allah kheir!

W`salaam.

"Do not treat people with contempt, nor walk insolently on the earth. Allah does not love the arrogant or the self-conceited boaster. Be modest in your bearing and subdue your voice, for the most unpleasant of voices is the braying of the ass." [The Holy Qur'an, Surah Luqman - 31:18-19]
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« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2008 06:23 PM »

Dear Sisters,

Thank you for all the kind words, and words of encouragement.

Sisters Jannah, Faizah and JustOne... I realise that my posting looks like I am more
 concerned about the financial issues rather than anything else... that's my fault, really.
 The thing is, I am confident financial wise, it can be taken care of, God Willing. Money,
 rizq - I am sure it can be managed... we've lived with much less than we'd like.

Sister Fozia, Thank you for your thoughts... my duahs for your cousin and his wife, and
 family. Your words touched me somewhere deep inside.

I don't want to bear a child, and then get angry at both my baby and husband, because
 taking care of a sick adult who is self-conscious about his inability to provide for his
 family is hard enough, without also having to tend to an innocent baby who will demand
 attention from both of us.

Yes, I must admit, in my own selfish ways, I just want to reassure myself that it is
 alright to not bear children with these circumstances we are facing. I want to give my
 husband my undivided attention, so that when the time comes for him to go, we'll both know that
 we've given each other the best of ourselves, and then perhaps it will be easier to let
 go. God help us!

And like you Sister Fozia, deep inside, I do keep a certainty that whatever happens, life
 will be alright... and whatever happens, will happen... and to be honest, as much as I
 think that children are wonderful, I plan to dedicate my life to God and only God when my
 husband passes on... to do things in this world that will bring happiness to others, as
 much as God has Blessed me with happiness...

Again, thank you sisters. I think I needed to hear voices other than mine when thinking
 about this... family support would be wonderful, but right now, my husband and I only have
 each other, as we are estranged from our families.

May God Bless you all, and thank you for your kind duahs and thoughts.

Your sister in Islam.

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