// Need advice about office friend...
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« on: Apr 26, 2008 08:27 PM »


My Purpose of this post is to ask u all for a truthful advice in the path of
 allah .I belive allah n have true faith n him,but still i want help from u all.
I like a guy who is my very good friend for the past one-n-half year we r in n the same
 office and  i can say that he has been my mentor ,guide and a good friend.we share a very
 pious relationship.The problem is that he likes someone else n had send the marriage
 proposal there but he has not got any answer from there.I mean to say that girl is not
 interested in the mariage but they are not giving any answer due to which my friend still wants
 to wait.I dont think thats wrong from his side because he likes her.But the problem for
 me is that few days before he got to no that i like him which i didnt want to tell him as
 i wanted to wait n had left that on allah,but now when he knows this n we have talked on
 this matter he says that  i m a good girl n will get a better guy then him.And when i
 asked him can he consider my case he said that he has no problem but the thing is that the
 comany we r working in,my cousin brother is on one of the good post there and he is
 actually his good friend and he respects him a lot.For him hez the guru.......He is giving me
 the reason that only because i m his friends sister he cannot go for it.I mean to say
 that he has that hesitation.But i dont no what to do pleasse suggest me..

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« Reply #1 on: Apr 26, 2008 08:35 PM »

Salam,

I'm not sure how it is whatever country you live in, but usually when someone says "you're like a sister to me" he's not interested in marriage. He's obviously interested in this other girl and is trying to marry her. I don't think you should get in the middle of this. If he marries her then khayr, but if he doesn't, what makes you think he will turn to you. I know this sound's harsh, but honestly even though he seems nice he's known you all this time and has never brought up marriage and has pursued someone else. He's also making up ridiculous excuses like the cousin brother's sister stuff. I would suggest you save yourself a lot of heartache and forget him and find someone that appreciates you. may Allah help u.

ws
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« Reply #2 on: Apr 29, 2008 12:16 AM »

Salaam

From what I'm reading, it appears that part of his concern is that you are related to someone who is in a power position within the company and he doesn't want to risk his continued advancement opportunities there or for that matter should he advance have others think that it is because of you and you being related to someone in a power position.

While neither should be a barrier to pursuing anything if he were interested, it is understandable.  In many workplaces there is a prohibition on married (or in more secular countries) dating couples to work in the same work unit and certainly not in a supervisor/suborninate working relationship.

The one thing to remember is that no matter how badly we want something or rather someone, if they don't return the feelings then nothing will manifest.

I don't like the "there's someone out there for you that is better than me" line because it is among one of the lamest used by men but is used as if it will spare the person's feelings as opposed to being told that there is no interest, although it is better than the person being rude (oh how many rude ones have I encountered?  I've stopped counting).  The thing is, that while there may well be someone out there better than the one who has caught our attention, the time is sometimes so long that by the time that "one" is found we feel that we are too old to enjoy ourselves, have become so cold hearted that we've lost all interest or that "one" deems us too old and thus turns their attention to another.

While undoubtedly it will sting some, it is best to just leave the matter alone.

As salaamu alaikum

Fa'izah
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« Reply #3 on: Apr 29, 2008 08:12 AM »

Salaam....

Yes that's a lame line...and he sounds lame to me, no offense.  Wouldn't you rather that
a) if he doesn't like you, he shouldn't give you false hope?,
b) if he marries you then you shouldn't be #2 and that his feelings should be more than lukewarm,
and c) if he likes you, he should marry you and stop be such a pansy.

There's your answer: he's not really all that mature because he's still playing games (with YOUR feelings, btw...don't allow him to do that).

If you think he's confused, hurt, busy, etc....stop playing games with yourself, and stop making excuses for him. We like to make excuses for men, and they know that we will continue to make them as long as they continue to be charming.

Wasalaam. 
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« Reply #4 on: Apr 29, 2008 11:05 PM »

Asalamualaikum wrt,


All praise be to Allah, Lord of the Universe, the One Who shapes in the Womb as He wishes.


According to Jannah, this thread should be locked, since there has already been several 'fatwas' posted here Smiley


It is no problem if someone posts whatever they want from their opinions and logic.

On the other hand, if someone conveys knowledge from the Quran and Sunnah, or what the Ulema have said in this regard, quoting the appropriate sources and scholars, it is forbidden.

Furthermore, quoting material found in books and other beneficial sources is forbidden if it related to knowlege of the Deen.  However, if it is related to politics, jokes, health, or other topics, it is no problem.

Likewise, articles from Rabbis, lawyers, and non-Muslim texts, are applauded.  But if they are written by the Ulema and Shuyukh, they are condemned as cut and paste. 


These all seem like a double-standards to me.


Having despise for the knowledge because it comes between a person and his desires causes a person to become distanced from Allah, Most High, and go towards disbelief.  This is based on the words of the Messenger, may Allah's peace and blessings of Allah be upon him:

"None of you believes until his or her desires become in conformity with what I have been sent with."


A person should keep in mind that they will be responsible if people go astray because they prevented the knowledge from reaching the people.  They will certainly be ressurected and called to account.


Knowledge of the religion is judged by daleel, that is appropriate legal evidence.  If something is mentioned that is not based on appropriate legal evidence, than please ignore it.  If I mention something quoting from the scholars and fuqaha, than know that it is on the path of right guidance.   Having said this, I realize that I have many shortcomings, and may not understand things appropriately, and I appreciate your advice and guidance as well.  I am on this board to learn.


May Allah guide us all.



Getting back to the original question,


The scholars say it is inappropriate to form close relationships with members of the opposite sex such as co-workers, classmates, and boyfriends/girlfriends, since there is a good chance these relationships may end up in Zina and unlawful sexual relations.

Furthermore, it is not appropriate for a man and woman to be alone in a closed room.  This is based on the words of the Messenger:

"A man and a woman do not stay alone in a closed room, except that the Shaitan is the third."


If a person is interested in marriage, the scholars say that the appropriate channels should be taken, such as involving a woman's guardian, or wali, in order to avoid fitnah. 

Furthermore, the qualitites one should look for in spouse are righteousness and good character.  May Allah guide us to find righteous spouses, and to success in the afterlife, by His will.  Ameen.




And Allah knows best.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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« Reply #5 on: Apr 30, 2008 04:03 PM »

wsalam,

There's a big difference between people just talking about their experiences to someone and giving out an opinion that's made out to be "what Islam says".  If we claim to be Muslims we find "what Islam says" to be ruling and binding, but other people's opinions are taken with a grain of salt.

Again there are no shaikhs on here and the internet is not the proper forum to give fatwas anyway. People should use the internet to help support each other and maybe inform with general knowledge, not to come up with wrong fatwas that make life difficult on people or change their lives wrongly because the "fatwa giver" didn't know what they were talking about. The biggest danger we have are people giving their opinion in the form of Islam. If the person doesn't like the opinion it follows that they end up not liking Islam. 

I'll give you a good example. Many years ago right here on this forum there was a discussion about the Taliban destroying the Bhudda statues. We know that the Ulema are divided on this. For example Qaradawi originally supported them but then changed his opinion during the ensuing chaos and evils it brought upon the people of Afghanistan. Anyway at the beginning of that time someone on this board kept going on and on about "destroying idols" and how this was "the only righteous path of Islam" and we need to destroy every path of jahaliyya etc etc. Completely HIS OPINION, but couched in words that made it sound like this is Islam's way. So what happened, someone who didn't have that opinion and thought (rightly) that there was freedom of religion in Islam thought that everything that guy said was Islam, so he left Islam over this issue. He did not feel what the Taliban did was right and since the Taliban were made out to be "the upholders of Islam" he left Islam.

So let's avoid "fatwas" aka making our opinions out to be THE ISLAM. If we have information that is helpful such as quran and sunnah or input from scholars that's fine to mention in a generalized way. But remember we are not Qaradawi, we have not studied for fifty years, we do not know the person or all the exact conditions and exceptions of their situation, we haven't looked up every ayah and hadith and seerah and example on the issue. Remember the prophet (s) would give a different answer to different ppl for the SAME question, why, because he knew them and their situation.  You will always see any scholar giving a personalized fatwa asking follow up questions to the person on the issue because they know many more issues are involved. And as we have seen, even the biggest scholars have changed their opinions feeling that they were wrong before but on the internet it seems people have very clearcut fatwa rulings.

Again if someone feels this is wrong and that they just HAVE TO uphold their version of the correct deen, I don't want to be responsible for that on the Day of J, but if u want to then feel free to do so somewhere else.

and Allah knows best.

 
 
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« Reply #6 on: Apr 30, 2008 05:47 PM »

As-Salaamu `alaykum,
Dear Sister,

If a guy really likes you, there ain't nothing that's going to get in his way, so please move on and forget about him. Btw, even if he turns to you ... why would you want to be second best and hence marry a guy who doesn't want you as much as you want him.

You deserve better and insha`Allah Allah(SubHana Wa Ta`ala) will bless you with someone better.

Take care,
W`salaams

"...Surely my prayer and my sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds..." (Qur'an, 6:162)
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« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2008 11:13 PM »

Asalamualaikum wrt,


All praise be to Allah.



May Allah guide us all to follow the straight path.  Jannah, it is quite obvious that many people visit this site seeking to learn and gain knowledge.  You have non-Muslims asking about Islam, and you have Muslims asking basic questions about their religion, such as prayer, purification, marriage, and divorce.

Frankly, if you had studied Islamic sciences from the Ulema and answered their questions with knowledge, others wouldn't need to.  But since you have not spent years studying with the shuyukh, nor have you attended an Islamic University, it is only fair that others convey what they have learned or quote from the Ulema.  If you disagree with something, than feel free to provide proof from the Ulema, such as Sh. Qaradawi, or anyone else amongst the Ulema.

But the problem is, when someone says something you disagree with, for example : Sh. Buti said so-and-so, you get upset and say:  You don't know what Islam is, don't give a fatwa.  You say this from your own opinions and logic without recourse to what the scholars say.  Why don't you post some knowledge to prove your point and convey the fiqh of the religion?  Basically, what you are saying is: "I don't know what the right answer is, but I know that you are wrong."

If you disagree with something or think it is wrong, find some evidence for what you believe, from the Quran and Sunnah, scholars, and knowledge.  You don't have to get upset and ban people from posting just because you disagree with the knowledge they convey, or they don't conform to your school of thought.  For example, do you even know what the different types of divorce are?  If not, then you should learn before condemning others.

If you feel they are incorrect, point it out with evidence.  If you don't have knowledge about an issue, than let others who do convey what they have learned. 

You said:

"someone who didn't have that opinion and thought (rightly) that there was freedom of religion..."


By inserting the word "rightly", you have made a fatwa regarding this issue.

So the issue is not about fatwa, it is about whether a person has evidence and knowledge to back up what they have said.  If they do, then they will earn reward, but if a person has an opinion without any evidence, then they will earn a sin.

If you say that the internet is not a medium for conveying knowledge, rather it is just for emotional support, then why do you have a whole section of your website devoted to Islamic articles, some of which you have written? 

One should not be stingy with knowledge, its free. 


Finally, the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said:


"One of you does not believe until I am more beloved to him than his own self."


This love, if true, entails obedience to everything the Prophet, peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, came with.  The scholars are the inheritors of the Prophets, and thus we must truly love the Ulema if we wish to be guided and complete our faith.



I pray that we each can be a source of goodness, and guidance for Muslims and all of humanity.  Ameen.



And Allah knows best.


Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2008 10:38 AM »

salam

Very curious about this, soooo abdurahaman, are you accepting responsibility for the fatwas and advice you are doling out here, are you saying that you have the Islamic knowledge and speak from a qualified point of view, and you will be happy to stand by your position as an authority when the hour comes???

Sr. Jannah is right, islamic advice is never a blanket ruling, it is always case specific in my experience.

Nobody on this board ever stops one from posting relevant examples to a problem, but not many people on this board are saying they are qualified ulema and speak as the voice of islamic ruling.

Btw, how do you know Sr. Jannah has no formal tutelage of islamic fiqh??? Know her personally do you Roll Eyes


Wassalaam

PS with regards the OP I agree with the general consensus, the guy does not sound worthy of you dont waste your emotions on him, see if you can move departments or something.
Also under such cicumstances say he decided to settle for you, because his first choice proposal blew him off, would that make you happy, to be second best??

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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