// what's app
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Anonymous
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« on: Apr 11, 2013 07:49 PM »


Asalaam alaikum

I've been married with my husband for 5 yrs now. In the course of our marriage we never had any trust issue problems. We always share our phones with no problems.

Last week, we were planning to host a dinner for close friends. It was a wednesday so I was calling people to confirm the day(saturday). One of my friends phone was out of reach. I decided to send the message to the husband. He is on what's app on so I used my husbands phone because they are friends. (My plan was to just send as if its my husband who is sending). I did the same thing a day before for another friend after asking him. He was outside doing somethings and had left his phone with me. I took his phone and went to what's app I found this conversation he was having with a girl.

I don't know the girl but the convo went like this "for those that I can remember"
Girl: hey u
Hubby: hie
G: missing D
H: missing too
    How was weekend
G: great went out with some friends
H: wow enjoyed urself?
G: yeah see
   (Sends a pic dressed in a sleeveless top and a mini skirt seeming like she was dancing)
H: wow wish I was there
Then some teasers follow

I was curious so I load earlier messages only to see that on another day they were chatting at 2am in the morning. The girl even asked what was he doing awake at that hour. He said wifey is asleep, I can't sleep so thought we could chat. The convo ended with them agreeing to "meet in dreamland".

I just left the phone without sending the message. I was quite the whole evening that he even noticed. I was afraid of asking him cos I thought he may thinking I was snooping around. My best friend advised that I should ask him. I post anonymously on another blog and most of the people there said I shouldn't ask him. Am really confused.   

From the conversation there was nothing said on them meeting or what. At first I told myself I won't ask him but now I wake every morning and keep thinking about it.  Do you think I should ask him?

Thanking you in advance for your suggestions.
Masalaam.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #1 on: Apr 11, 2013 08:52 PM »

Well you can't continue like this.


The only way you will get thro this is if you find out what's really going on and the only way you will find out is if you speak to your husband about it.

You don't want to lose his trust & you don't want him to lose your trust. Pick a moment when your both calm and well rested. Avoid making accusations, be factual then tell him you don't know what to think.

Also do istikhara as you do this, may Allah guide you and put love between both your hearts and banish all mistrust & doubt from your marriage.

Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #2 on: Apr 12, 2013 02:06 AM »

salam

Do you know that he has female friends? Is he  practising i.e. at least prays, fasts, doesnt drink??

If yes, then it sounds like she is someone from work.  Some empty headed girl or something looking for some fun.  He is probably chatting thinking it is all innocent.   It may not take long for him to get emotionally involved.  But then  I don't know. 

Pray istikhara.  You know your husband best.  Is he going to get all defensive about it if you mention that it bothers you ?  If you talk to  him about it, don't accuse him of anything.  Explain that it does not sound proper and that you know that it is just chatting.   

I don't know, encourage him to talk to you about what goes on at work. 
 
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #3 on: Apr 12, 2013 08:20 AM »

Mind your own business.
I know because you are female you will find that very hard to do, but you must try.
His conversation was nothing to do with you. You should not have been snooping. But you did, and now you must try and forget what you read.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #4 on: Apr 12, 2013 09:12 AM »

Thanks very much all for your suggestions. I'll consider every suggestion. And to just make it clear I was not snooping around. I use my husbands phone all the time and he has never had any problems with it (this include calling people, sending texts, playing games, internet or anything you can do with a phone). I found a conversation that was open. If I really wanted to snoop around I would have used every opportunity I've had with his phone. But no. Even after that he forgot the phone on monday at home and came to pick it lunch time and all that time I didn't even take a pick (although part of me wanted to).

But all in all thanks for your suggestions. I will really consider them.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #5 on: Apr 12, 2013 09:25 AM »

There are always dangers when brothers/sisters talk to non mahram counter parties be it in real life, phone or internet.

The danger of shaytan intervening and creating emotional attachments are high.

Unlike the suggestion above, the only way to really deal with this is to talk to your husband and express your feelings. Ignoring it could cause greater problems in the future both for yourself and your husband.

As previous comments have suggested, try not be accusatory and be factual and try to ascertain what is actually going on. InshaAllah if you are open and transparent and are seen to be trying to resolve a situation (and not create one), things will go well.

Our du'as are with you both.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #6 on: Apr 12, 2013 10:19 AM »

Ignore moderatesufi/islamicsocks.

You weren't snooping, I don't think many people would not have looked further male or female upon coming across such a message to their spouse from a member of the opposite sex.

It is wildly inappropriate to have a conversation with someone at 2am unless its a life or death situation, if he could not sleep, he could have made himself a warm drink, read a book or prayed salah ul tahajjud.

But find out who she is first, also where on earth she lives, because she could be his grandmother in Louisiana whilst you're living in London, which would make it a lot easier to comprehend.

Speak to your husband, and ask him also how he would feel if the tables were turned, your feelings are exactly as he would feel in this situation.

Clear the air, it's only going to fester now untill you find out what is happening.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #7 on: Apr 12, 2013 05:35 PM »

Thank you for your suggestions may Allah bless you. Ok so this evening I gathered energy and talked to him.

I told him how the whole situation was just like I explained above. This is what he had to say

1 the girl in question is a sister to his elder brothers best friend. (My husband was raised by this brother so he is like a father to him). He said he sees the friend as a brother also so in a normal setting(cultural) they can't date. She lives in another country in another continent.

2 if there was something then he would have been more careful with his phone ie not leaving it alone with me for some time.

3 if he really wanted someone then he will openly tell me to go cos polygamy is not anywhere in his books.

4 it was an innocent chat maybe next time he will try to be civil about.

I was angry that he is thinking of next time. I tried to talk to him that friendships start innocently then emotions start to blend in. I told him I wasn't comfortable with their friendship. I did my best talking him out of although he didn't seem convinced. He still believes its an innocent friendship.

He has promised to try and reduce the chats cos he feels it will be awkward for him to just start ignoring her. I told him to be honest 'my wife is not happy with us chatting'. He says that will be bad on my part because she will tell her family who will think am a bad person. I said its ok cos its not like they are blood relations(I was angry here cos he keeps defending her). He said its his family so it matters.

In the end he promised to MINIMISE chats with the girl and to be civil about it. He assured me he loves me and he would never cheat on me. Well me I don't know what their next chat will be like & at this point I would rather not know. To be honest my trust on him has really gown down I guess I need to work my way back to the top.

Thank you my lovely family for your help. Thanks to the administrators for the anonymous board otherwise I could post on the other threads. Thanks
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #8 on: Apr 12, 2013 05:35 PM »

Thank you for your suggestions may Allah bless you. Ok so this evening I gathered energy and talked to him.

I told him how the whole situation was just like I explained above. This is what he had to say

1 the girl in question is a sister to his elder brothers best friend. (My husband was raised by this brother so he is like a father to him). He said he sees the friend as a brother also so in a normal setting(cultural) they can't date. She lives in another country in another continent.

2 if there was something then he would have been more careful with his phone ie not leaving it alone with me for some time.

3 if he really wanted someone then he will openly tell me to go cos polygamy is not anywhere in his books.

4 it was an innocent chat maybe next time he will try to be civil about.

I was angry that he is thinking of next time. I tried to talk to him that friendships start innocently then emotions start to blend in. I told him I wasn't comfortable with their friendship. I did my best talking him out of although he didn't seem convinced. He still believes its an innocent friendship.

He has promised to try and reduce the chats cos he feels it will be awkward for him to just start ignoring her. I told him to be honest 'my wife is not happy with us chatting'. He says that will be bad on my part because she will tell her family who will think am a bad person. I said its ok cos its not like they are blood relations(I was angry here cos he keeps defending her). He said its his family so it matters.

In the end he promised to MINIMISE chats with the girl and to be civil about it. He assured me he loves me and he would never cheat on me. Well me I don't know what their next chat will be like & at this point I would rather not know. To be honest my trust on him has really gown down I guess I need to work my way back to the top.

Thank you my lovely family for your help. Thanks to the administrators for the anonymous board otherwise I could post on the other threads. Thanks
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #9 on: Apr 12, 2013 05:57 PM »



Make Duas she gets married quickly, can't imagine any husband accepting such behaviour from his new wife.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #10 on: Apr 12, 2013 06:42 PM »

salam

masha'Allah, I am glad that your husband was able to calmly talk to you about it.  Don't press him to end it.  It is good that he promised to minimize the chats. Give him the benefit of doubt.

 And believe me, no man will tell his family or friends that he can't do something because that something bothers his wife.  It would only go to demonstrate to the family or friends that he is controlled by his wife and NO man wants that impression to be given.

Best thing to do is to get yourself in the picture and clearly demonstrate to whomever concerned that your husband is your territory.  But do it in a clever a non confrontational way.    Joke about it, and act like you are cool with it.  Can you add that girl on your WhatsApp? Chat with her too.  Or when your husband chats with her tell him to pass your salams to her.  I know, it looks and sounds counter intiuitive, but do control your jealousy   This way you know what is going on.   

And since she is in a different city, don't worry about it.  The girl is just looking for male attention, which  many girls want and strive for.  You gotta be smart. 

Try to work on allocating time to reigniting the romance in your marriage.  Have a date night regularly.   Be a fun wife who he wants to spend time with. 

And make lots of sincere dua to Allah to keep him and you safe from temptations and to strengthen your marriage.  May Allah increase your love to each other, preserve the respect you have for each other and safeguard you and your marriage from any harm, ameen.

 
take care


Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #11 on: Apr 13, 2013 05:20 AM »

Thank you last anonymous for those powerful word. I'll consider everything. Last but not least, I sort of don't understand your post. If you can post again an explain better maybe it will help.

Masalaam 
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #12 on: Apr 13, 2013 09:44 AM »



Which one reply #9?

Make Duas she gets married, the whatsapp chats will all end then, as I would imagine her husband would not be happy to have his wife chatting to a random unrelated male & she'd have the male attention she wants and hopefully be too busy to have time to give your husband her attention every time he's bored or not able to sleep or whatever.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #13 on: Apr 14, 2013 08:45 AM »

You can do this the opposite way and start speaking to her yourself. I don't mean to confront her. I mean as extended family. Introduce yourself, and make friends.
Also give her dawa about the virtues of Hijab/Niqab.

But when you do make sure you make it clear that she knows she is talking to you and not your Husband.
My wife kept in touch with her male friends from University on MSN after marriage. I never had a problem with it because I'm a stud, so have nothing to fear.
In fact when they messaged, and I told them it was me, as time went on they would talk to me instead. And then sometimes if she answered they would ask her to call me. Anyway, the reason you have to make sure they know it was you who sent the message and not your husband is it can have very bad consequences when they don't know.
It happened to us.
One of her friends had proposed to her in University. So once as a joke I pretended to be her and I told him I was glad I said no to him when he did. And he got really upset for some unknown reason. My wife even apologised and told him it was her husband and he was sorry, but he didn't believe her it was me, and never spoke to her again.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #14 on: Apr 15, 2013 02:25 AM »

salam

I am not sure which post you mean. I wrote reply #10 ( and #2 but not 11 or 12). If you would like further clarification please let me know.

take care
   

Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #15 on: Apr 15, 2013 08:13 AM »

I meant reply #9. But he/she wrote to correct his/her name. Thanks very much all for the advise. Please remember me in your duas.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #16 on: Apr 15, 2013 01:18 PM »

I think you should do Dawa to that lady and her brother and tell them to become Muslim.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #17 on: Apr 15, 2013 04:33 PM »

The girl is a muslim. I think she just doesn't practice islam but she is a muslim.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #18 on: Apr 15, 2013 04:44 PM »

Oh, that makes things easier than. Just make friends with her. And start talking to her about the virtues of Hijab and Niqab.
I sort of guessed it was a family friend/distant relative when I read what you wrote. Men that do Harram stuff would not leave their phone unattended, let alone allow their partners free rain to use them.
Yes it is true that it isn't a good idea to talk to non-Mohrams. But I think your husband doesn't see what his conversation with her as much different to your conversation with all of us right here.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #19 on: Apr 15, 2013 06:18 PM »

Thank you I'll consider that. The photo she sent me made feel jealousy I should admit and them talking in the am hours. Anyway am over it. I don't keep things in mind for a long time. So things are back to normal.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #20 on: Apr 15, 2013 07:13 PM »

Ask him if he would like it if you wore that at home, for him.
Also tell him if he can't sleep in the early hours you wont mind if he wakes you for a chat.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #21 on: Apr 15, 2013 07:27 PM »



Thinking conversations with non-mahram people is harmless is the beginning of trouble.

Dunno about everyone else, but I do not send pictures of myself to people, not ever.

I reckon do istikhara about how to handle the situation, try and make yourself atractive for your husband and suggest to him if he has insomnia to pray salat ul tahajjud, having long whatsapp chats is not going to put him to sleep.

It would majorly hurt me if my huband told someone they'd 'meet in dreamland', the conversation is not decent, I don't care what anyone says, I have never signed off a phone conversation with anyone I'm on platonic terms, with such a phrase!

And seriously make duas that this girl gets married quickly to somone somewhere that whatsapp is not available!
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #22 on: Apr 15, 2013 07:56 PM »

She didn't send that photo to him. She put it up on what's up. There are a bunch of people on that what's up list who have access to it. If it was emailed to him personally, that would be another matter. But it wasn't, it was sent to everyone on that what's up list wasn't it. And the same goes for the messages. They were sent on that what's up list.

Yes sending photos to male friends isn't something that Muslim women should do. But wearing miniskirts in public isn't something Muslim women should do too. Sending photos to platonic male friends, and talking like that, is exactly what western women do, and that includes Muslim women who follow the western lifestyle. What I am saying is, you wont do that, but she would.
And she will continue doing that after marriage, is she continues being the type she is now. And if her Husband is like her, he wont even mind or even see anything wrong in it.
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #23 on: Apr 15, 2013 09:04 PM »



Non of my non Muslim girlfriends send pictures of themselves to Platonic male friends either.

She sent him a picture of herself partying, so she's dolled up.

She will lose interest when she's married as she'll be busy with her new husband and the kids. I actually don't think any man Muslim or non Muslim would be happy having a fairly intimate relationship with his wife.

This should be added to the 100 questions to ask a prospective, do you have flirty conversations with unrelated females at 2am?
Anonymous
Guest
« Reply #24 on: Apr 15, 2013 09:07 PM »



If you send a picture via whatsapp to someone in conversation it only goes to that person, she did not put the picture up as a profile picture and it was not a group conversation from what the original poster is saying, if I'm right the picture was sent just to this sisters husband.
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