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Author Topic: mistaken lesbian  (Read 6346 times)
kba
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« on: May 09, 2008 07:25 AM »


I have come to a realization unfortunately now when I need to be asleep,is my office mate might think I am a lesbian.

I know one time,and other times I had a sense,that this is a thought others have had.

it makes me sad because I feel like I am so different I don't fit into a community.

some of the reasons that people might think this(muslim and non):
I am not married, do not have a boyfriend/fiancee

I don't talk about wanting to be with a guy or how a guy is hot

I am an engineer (and a phd on top of that)

I don't wear makeup

my fashion sense needs help

I have practiced martial arts

I weight lift

my eyebrows need help (i try Sad)

I don't feel any of these things should define you as lesbian, but it is just frustrating. I know I shouldn't care what others think, but the fact I am an anomoly to both world views makes it hard (basically everyone thinks u r strange).

also because I have struggled with finding a job & no ease in finding a husband.

can anyone relate? how do you deal with this?
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« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2008 07:47 AM »

Salaams,

I can, kinda sorta relate.

And you know Martial Arts??? And you can weightlift ??  Shocked MashaAllah, you are great marriage material, rest assured! Brothers like me would do anything to contact your wali. But i'm already and habbily married so i'll let other brothers to ask sis jannah for your wali's contact  inshaAllah.

Wasalam and good luck.

The knight doesn't wait when he's ill or has cancer brother, the knight fights on... He finds a strategy, changes tactics, and hits hard.
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« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2008 08:58 AM »

kba i suggest you make some comments about colin firth drop every so often Wink or even be candid about your own personal life. i remember when i was working i knew the ppl around me were burning with curiosity but of course being american they are polite and never asked. so one day i brought it up...ie like how did you and your wife meet something like that and then i volunteered my own sad personal life, but they nodded and understood and years ago one of them even went on a muslim matrimonial site with me for fun one day lol. it helps sometimes when your non-muslim friends are sympathetic about your single status while your muslim ones are not.
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« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2008 01:01 PM »

salam

Well you me both then.

Currently in the process of becoming unmarried....

I'm so not into men it's untrue..altho they have their uses, taking out the rubbish, carrying heavy stuff etc Roll Eyes

Don't do make up, skin too sensistive, and I'd far rather get a couple of hours extra sleep than paint my face, I find it fascinating when other women do it.

Don't do eyebrows either

Martial arts, check! btw what do you do?? It's a fun way of keeping fit, and  I sleep so much better after hapkido classes.


Weight lifintg errrmmmm does lugging around bags of groceries count?? I also carry the odd petulant child who has decided to sit slap banf in the middle of the road...because frankly she feels like it!!!


Ok so you have one up on me for the engineering thing..


Don't be so hard on yourself, until a few days ago one of the women  I work with was convinced that I only had the one dress (being my abaya), she was utterly shocked I wore  *gasp* clothes beneath my abaya and stylish ones at that!!!... people will think and then think some more, ignore, or if they are very rude and say something to you, correct their misconceptions.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2008 01:46 PM »

lol

After reading and thinking, I think I will tell my co-worker (we share an office & I dont want her to think I will come on to her or something stupid like that).  Like I will just say hey on Thursday when you said such and such, I realized later you might think I'm a lesbo and I wanted to correct you and explain my situation.

With other co-workers if they bring up their personal lives, I could say yeah I have been hooked up yet with a mozlem bro and if they ask questions then answer.

So I think in Muslim (I speak of cultural) and non muslim societies, they both do have definitions of what a women is, what her role is and what she should act like.  If you do not conform to that, people will then say you might be a lesbian.

I know other ladies who are athletic, and men can be very intimidated, especially when they know she could beat them up if she wanted to.  Then the whole engineering thing considered a male field (and well it is male dominated).  Yeah I realize many women wear makeup, I dont have anything against it, I share the same sentiment that I am just way to lazy and I really want my sleep.  I am also really lazy to shop and then coordinate what I wear. 

yeah I need to talk about Jane Austen more, and Colin Firth being my ideal or something. lol

I used to practice TKD. I want to pick up something else, so have been thinking of what to do that wont be too time consuming. so in the meantime I have been doing something called Crossfit which incorporates weight lifting.


Hard2Hit: Are you sure?  I would say 99% of bros, when they know any of this they freak out.  I think the weightlifting thing scares more than the martial arts. Having the "higher" degree also seems to really intimidate.   Then yeah I am getting older


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« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2008 12:06 AM »

As salaamu alaikum

I haven't worn make-up in forever but it never took me more than 10-15 minutes to apply since it's not about painting your face like so many of the clowns I've seen but rather about enhancing one's features. 

Sadly yes men are intimidated by empowered intellectual women.  And even sadder people do think it strange if a woman doesn't have a boyfriend; my non-Muslim friends are really no help as they keep trying to convince me to go out clubbing with them rather than complain about being alone ..... uh huge problem with the whole club scene... don't want to be around a bunch of drunken fools who think it's okay to touch.   No matter what you say or do people are going to think what they want to think about whomever they want to think it about.  So unless they are making you uncomfortable let them think what they want; they will be the ones wearing egg on their faces in the end.

Fa'izah
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« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2008 02:47 PM »

Dude, I heard that from 7th grade (when i informed everyone that i do not have a crush on anyone in my class, and a girl asked me if I was "a lesbian or something hahahaha"), all the way to 1st year university when a guy asked me out and I said, "sorry I don't do that." And he was like really apologetic, "oh I'm so sorry, are you a lesbian?"

(This also shows how the attitude changed towards homosexuality during that 8yr period, or alterntively, how cruel kids can be, or alternatively how university is the coolest intitution on the face of the planet.)

I think the best thing to do is to applaud yourself...you are not a woman openly discussing unmarried or marriage angst to anyone.  Hallelujah.

Colin Firth wallpaper wouldn't hurt either Wink
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« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2008 04:00 PM »

salam

Sr JO, you were mistaken, the guy was trying to temper his own feelings.
See in  his mind he was so wonderful, only a lesbian would turn him down....tis a very common reaction.

There used to be a very stinky guy at work, he had no social life possibly due to his lack of personal hygiene, possibly due to his lack of personality, possibly due to both. Anyway he invited someone to lunch and she went, because she felt sorry for him, when he made a pass at her she hastened to inform him she was taken....so dude promptly goes round the building telling people she was gay Roll Eyes  Right yeeeees that's it thats why you cant get a date, every woman on the planet is gay!!!



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2008 11:16 PM »

yah I agree with sis Fozia, I bet his ego couldnt take it that you said no, it happens to often when guys will make you look bad or spread rumors about you because you refused them....yah old grudges:(
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« Reply #9 on: May 14, 2008 02:56 AM »

It seems society is very into relationships especially the haram kind, that if you aren't actively seeking or are in one, something might be "wrong" with you.

I agree, some guys seem to have that thinking, their egos are so big, they think if you don't like them or aren't after them, maybe you are gay.  whatever. or they just get mad.
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« Reply #10 on: May 14, 2008 12:36 PM »

Egos are meant to be (gently) crushed since I don't like arrogant people.  Usually the ones that are that "full of themselves" have nothing to offer; they are all talk and no action.  I work with one just like that; the man is clueless and incompetent but thinks because of his title and his salary he can get anyone he wants.  Oh I had so much fun bringing him down a few pegs so he knows not to try with me. 

Fa'izah
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« Reply #11 on: May 15, 2008 12:42 AM »

I think I will tell my co-worker (we share an office & I dont want her to think I will come on to her or something stupid like that).  Like I will just say hey on Thursday when you said such and such, I realized later you might think I'm a lesbo and I wanted to correct you and explain my situation.

So what happened?

"Allah surely knows the warmth of every teardrop... " Jaihoon
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« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2008 11:44 AM »

Salaams,

I'm so gay  Smiley  Cheesy


Okay bye !!


The knight doesn't wait when he's ill or has cancer brother, the knight fights on... He finds a strategy, changes tactics, and hits hard.
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« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2008 08:04 PM »

so I dont understand why you dont tell them your muslim and that you do not date, yah i agree it brings along alot of other questions, but its good opportunity for dawah

salaam
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« Reply #14 on: May 17, 2008 04:27 AM »

Salam sisters,

I have the same question Black Rose posed: Why not use this opportunity to inform others of the different ways you observe and practice your faith (not to mention respect yourself)? When I am with friends who are not Muslim, who want to go out to a restaurant where liquor could potentially make its way on our table, I tell them why I do not want to go to a place like that. Or, if I am at someone's house for the first time -- a new friend or colleague -- who do not know Muslims do not drink alcohol (at least this one doesn't), I simply say that I don't drink. They may think I'm in recovery if I didn't explain it to them. I haven't had anyone look at me funny, yet, or try to change me or disinvite me next time.

I think somewhere, inshallah, is a bro that will respect and be awed by your intellect, your true beauty, and your athleticism. Mashallah, you seem to have it all. Just be patient -- with the bros and with your officemate. And yes, try not to be so hard on yourself. I wouldn't explain anything that isn't true....explain what is.

Wassalum,

Yasmia


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« Reply #15 on: May 24, 2008 02:39 AM »

I realized I was wrong about my co-worker thinking I was a lesbian.  She has some idea about the no dating, I think if the topic comes up again, I will try to explain my situation in more detail, how I can't date and go out and meet people as easily.

So far people know I don't drink alcohol and choose to eat zabiha or kosher meat.

Thanks for the encouragement.  I need to be patient and not so down on myself.  It is hard when you do not feel like you fit in and are an anomaly.  The fact that my job sorta sucks in general does not help either.. but I am glad for a salary and benefits.

In the meantime I will continue with the weights/martial arts stuff.  I don't want to change myself in order to fit someone else's standards. sis
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« Reply #16 on: May 25, 2008 08:00 PM »

don't u just lovee this ultra girly tacky pinky hearts theme hahaha. u could try making this your background on your desktop, would definitely make you look girly Wink

 pinkhijabisis pinkhijabisis pinkhijabisis pinkhijabisis
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« Reply #17 on: May 29, 2008 11:40 PM »

To be honest unless a female said she is not interested in you or a male tried to set you up with his sister, I think it is in your head and not in other peoples.

I have thought some women are lesbians without being explicitly told, but that was because they had shaven heads, wore steal toe capped boots and great big manly leather jackets. I have never thought anyone was a lesbian for the reasons you mentioned.
And unless you posed by flexing your muscles or demonstrated your martial arts skills, No one would know what sort of body you have under your jilbab?
I know this one brother who got married and had to divorce his wife straight after the wedding night because he found she was pregnant.
So you might know your body, but that doesn’t mean anyone else does.
I don’t think anyone would assume a lady in Hijab/Niqab is a lesbian, even if she doesn’t wear makeup and have boyfriends.
That’s because the overwhelming majority of ladies in Hijab/Niqab don’t have boyfriends or wear makeup in front of non-Mohram males.
There is a lot of things they might assume about you such as oppression, extremism or ignorant, but lesbians is definitely not one of them.

But lesbians aside:
A lot of males, not just brothers feel intimidated by mescaline women. And even when they are not intimidated in the slightest, few find them attractive. I’m not saying this is right, what I am saying is it is a fact.
Few men want a wife, older, richer, better educated, stronger, taller, and larger because they assume that would mean she would be more dominant.
I’m not saying that is right, just that that is a fact.
What do men look for in a spouse?
Men look for beauty good looks, attractiveness and being well proportioned. That’s it.

Loads of sisters and a few brothers are going to have a go at me about my statement, but don’t waste you breath, because you’d be preaching to the converted. My wife is better educated than me and I don’t think she is as attractive as me.
Did I see her education as a positive thing before the marriage?
To be honest with you, I didn’t.
I married her because she wore Niqab and all but one of the other people who proposed to me didn’t wear Hijab properly or at all (they just came up with that old excuse, I’d do it after marriage if you tell me). The Husband is one of the men cursed if a lady doesn’t wear Hijab, and I have enough sins as it is so I chose to one that covers her hair properly.

But speaking of Marriage. I was delegated to find husbands for older sisters a couple of times. I’m never going to agree to it again, because they are so picky. That one is too old, that one is too young, that one isn’t educated enough, that one hasn’t got a red passport, that one is black and my kids are scared of them etc. So it isn’t always a case of men refusing to marry older, educated women, some of those women don’t really want to marry men; they might want to marry an imaginary man in their minds. But that guy in their minds doesn’t really exist. And they refuse to accept that he doesn’t exist, and reject all the men they are shown with the excuse that they are not the non-existent man they are waiting for.
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