// hitting my son......
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« on: Jul 19, 2013 05:44 PM »

I have a five year old son. He is diagnosed with slight adhd. I am trying my best to handle him acc to his problems but its so tough. First of all he is very bright and smart but when it comes to studying he tests my patience. I end up hitting him a lot...A LOT. Then his father has a complain that he always listens to me and obeys me and totally disregard his father which is true. I don't know why he does not regard his father....i think its because his father behaves too harshly towards him and has made no effort whatsoever to be emotionally close to him. He believes in keeping a rough hand on sons.  Its a terrible terrible vicious circle that just won't break. Its a competitive world out there. My boy has social problems he can't mke friends easily. On top of that if he does not perform  well in studies he will have no respect of his peers and teachers will also not value him .....where will he end up then.  I can't bear that he will be a back bencher.....not because I want a topper in my house but because I want him to have a healthy self esteem which comes only by gaining others' respect.
prob no two is his little sibling. Being a girl she gets all her fathers love. She is really small. Can't even speak so she screams for anything that she wants and she screams even more when she wants something from her brother ,......her screaming gives us a headache so we the sons gets scolded for maing her scream. I think both of us parents need counseling but its futile to try to counsel DH. He just won't get any raeson about changing his behavoiur with his son. i need advice....really good advice. Please help.
« Reply #1 on: Jul 19, 2013 09:41 PM »

I'm not an expert here, but I have 3 young kids - who I have on occasion smacked on their bums or hands. However, most recently I have completely stopped and we have been smack-free for 6 months (alhamdulillah). Here's a few things to ponder:

1) Never EVER hit your kids out of your own frustration. They are too young to be your punching bag and you could potentially injure or even kill them. If you must hit your child (the only legit occasion I can think of is if your child has physically harmed someone else), make sure you are calm and are only doing it to grab his attention and not to hurt him.
2) 'If he doesn't perform well' - what a load on a 5 year old. Try to see the world from his perspective. Children WILL fail. You might beat him into being a 'topper' but he might not be able to do something else - he needs you to be his cheerleader, enthusiast, confidante, helper, advocate - and it doesn't matter if he fails or passes. You said he's bright. Give him some compassion.
3) he only listens to you because (I'm sorry for being so blunt), but that's the abuse cycle. You hit him a lot, you hurt him, he seeks your pleasure and approval constantly, and he probably sees you and your husband as opposite 'sides' so he constantly wants to be on your good one, and this rejects him.
4) 2 year olds scream - deal with it. Don't punish or sanction your son for your daughter's behavior. She is too young to remember, but he is old enough to understand.
5) you don't need counseling, you need resolve, determination, commitment - to love him no matter what.
6) let your husband and son build their own relationship. Let them play ball, build blocks, wash the car - and then get out of the way - they will establish their own unique dynamic.
7) just stop hitting him - its not his problem, it's yours.
Cool read parenting books and websites. Some great ones on the market!
« Reply #2 on: Jul 19, 2013 11:10 PM »

I don't hit, I'm very against physical violence against those who are weaker than you.

I do however carry thro any threats I make & mostly put kids in time out, send them to their rooms and let them cry it out till they're calm enough to listen. Or I take away privileges and treats.

With my youngest I ensure and have done from a very young age that she cannot lord it over her older sister, there are some things which belong to her & some that belong to her sister & no amount of crying and screaming will get the latter for her. She needs to ask nicely to borrow & equally be willing to share her possessions.

Your children are younger than mine obviously, but dont fall into the trap of giving into your youngest at the expense of your eldest, your youngest will end up a spoilt brat & your eldest will resent his sister & play up more as he feels hard done by and less loved than his sister so will seek attention in a negative manner.

Is your son on ADHD medication ?

You need to be fair to both children, show you're listening to them and not give in to tantrums, you giving in to your daughters screams is telling her she only needs to scream and she will get whatever she wants, so she keeps doing it. If you stop she'll learn screaming does not get her anywhere and will stop screaming. This will take time as you've already taught her that screaming gets her own way.

Also stop hitting, at some point your son will be bigger & stronger than you, how will you deal with defiant behaviour then?

If you have them, go to parenting classes, I'd also recommend the book 'how to talk so your kids will listen'.

And make Duas for good offspring who will be the coolness of your eyes.

Appeal to their intellect now, listen to them whe they communicate with you, be empathic to their feelings. It will inshallah ensure a strong relationship between you all.

Stop hitting, would you hit someone your own size for it doing as you asked?
« Reply #3 on: Jul 20, 2013 11:24 AM »

I'm sorry, hitting just doesn't work. All parenting studies show hitting does not work. It's not an effective means for correcting behavior and only creates bad behavior (child becomes violent and extreme) and it becomes a vicious cycle as you say. There are better parenting strategies out there.

Confidence does not come from hitting your child so he gets good grades so that he will earn the admiration of friends and teachers and do well in life!! It comes from being in a loving home where he knows he is loved and has POSITIVE encouragement to do well and knows if he doesn't, he's still loved. Not wanting to disappoint your parents is a huge motivation in a loving home. Fear of violence is not.

Perhaps he is not doing well BECAUSE of his home life. Something to think about.

Lastly, pushing your ambitions onto your child is just such a desi thing to do, whatever parents think, it's not loving.
« Reply #4 on: Jul 20, 2013 04:02 PM »

I am the original poster. Thanks all of you for replying. Even the blunt ones....i needed them. But it seems that my post has conveyed i am very violent with my son.....no that's not the case.....I slap him only on bum and back ( not too hard). but "A LOT" meant I am doing it too often. I am also not pushing my ambitions on my son....i said i don't want a topper.......besides that his home life is quite warm and loving
The rest that all of you said is very meaningful.........
1)Its best to leave father and son develop their own relationship
2)He would certainly do better if he is motivated not to disappoint me rather than fear me...that's a very valid point
3) I will try to find the book.."how to talk so your kids will listen"
 JazakAllah Khair all of you. We will also be smack free now onwards iA.

« Reply #5 on: Jul 20, 2013 11:06 PM »


There is this to consider:

« Reply #6 on: Jul 21, 2013 01:21 AM »

You have to do something to develop a better relationship between father and son. I say that as a desi. The sheer amount of neglect and hard handed parenting desi fathers do will psychologically cripple children. No matter how horrible the father is, a son can only confide in the father when he has major problems and if they don't gel well, son won't have anyone to help him. Only the father can understand the son and vice versa. If your husband doesn't want to right from now, it will be disastrous later on.

Sorry, I don't have anything to say about hitting, I don't know much about that, but please, do something to salvage the father-son relationship.
« Reply #7 on: Jul 22, 2013 04:22 AM »

I am OP. Thank you for the link on ADHD. He was diagnosed with 'slight' ADHD so no question of medicine......but that article was  an eye opener....JazakAllah.
@poster just before this post: yes I also thought the same way that I have to salvage the father son relationship but I did not seem to be getting anywhere in my efforts to do so I have decided to leave them on their own. Right now I got to salvage my own relationship and stop hitting him....JazakAllah for you concern and time Smiley
« Reply #8 on: Jul 22, 2013 03:50 PM »

First of all sister Mashallah for seeking help to better understand and help your son. Having a child with special need takes its toil on parents . I dont have child with adhd but dyslexic and I can relate to all that you have said that how the world is so competitive and how we worry about our kids success in this life and akhira only becuase we love them and want the best for them. We worry so much that we lose sight of  the most important thing that is each and every child is different and have their own strengths and qualities. We need to focus on those and not focus on negatives. Easier said then done Smiley
No expert here but from my limited experience I have seen the people who are successful in life are generally the ones who are hard worker . Any one who has a child with learning differences( not diffiucilites (I dont like this word)- we as parents first need to believe this ) can confirm that those are some of the most hard working kids. They know that nothing is given to them for free, they have to work extra hard to achieve what others might get by minimial work. But that is what builds character. Go goolge see how many successful people you can find who have/had adhd and were dyslexic. Also go read articles and read how other parents help and rasied kids with adhd/special needs. Ldonline is good source and also charles schwab foundation(at work now and dont have the links with me).

Please dont worry that your son is not getting 100 out 100 now (first of all he is too young to have this kind of pressure) I know many successful people who got F once too many time in their life Smiley Smiley  . Focus on work habbits and reward him on his hard work (not the results ) . May be put in any physical acitivity (karate, soccer or just playing in the backyard ) , find out what he is interested in and include that as a hobby, appreciate him as much as you can - which ofcourse doesnt mean that ignore bad behaviour, I believe hugs and kisses sort most of problems Smiley.Try different things/acitivities see what works for you.
Raising kids is difficuilt , raising kids with special need - way more.
Hang in there sister and may be we will see and compare notes in 10/15 years when our kids will be successful young adults, Inshallah.
best wishes 
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