// Right or wrong?
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Anonymous
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« on: May 12, 2008 06:13 PM »


salam alaikum

I need some sincere advice , i have been married for long time
 and have kids too. when i got married i was not in love with my husband actually i married
 because my family said so. and i tried to love my husband for all these years there is no
 bad habbit in him,but we are so much different, there was times that i thought of
 getting divorce because we didnt had good understanding but then i got tierd and decided to
 live my rest of life without any emotions and hope for change but now suddenly this feeling
 came into my heart that i should not live like this.just because of sake of kids.i know i
 can take care of them without him very well.and even remary with someone i love ..sound
 selfish but i think thats not sin.so my concern is that i dont want to do anything which
 Allah and his prophet would dislike,and can continue living my life the way it is without
 love and feelings and peace of mind.or i should make a move and change my life in halal
 way. 

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« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2008 06:18 PM »

wsalaam wrt,

sister you wrote 'right or wrong' but I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to your dilemma. that is very difficult. i know if you spoke to an imam, many would encourage you to remain in the marriage for the sake of the preservation of the family as long as no harm was being done, because they believe this will be better for you, the family and society. maybe you can try counseling and this could help develop some feelings between you and your husband? many couples are different and have differences and can learn to love each other, so please look into it.

ws
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« Reply #2 on: May 13, 2008 03:32 AM »

sis Jannah, I know if I consult an Imam he will definately tell me to remain in
 marriage because they all worried with increasing percentage of Divorce in Muslim
 community or maybe for a good reason
but have you forgotten that once prophet Muhammed peace and blessings be upon him
 suggested one of her female companion to remain in marriage with her husband and she denied just
 because she didnt liked him and her husband was crying...i am not telling the whole
 story here just wanted to remind ...
If i say that i have been thru mental abuse theb everybody will support me ,thats the
 problem now a days .we have made Halal so difficult and Haram obviously is easy to get...
Why i have to sacrifice my life because i am women...if a men was in my place he would
 have been married to someone else without consulting an Imam..because its his
 right....Right... 

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« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2008 03:47 AM »

Salam Alaykum,

There is perhaps a reason and wisdom why an Imam would tell you that. Divorces are a very nasty business and it is usually the sister who loses out (and the children). However you may think you are able to support your children, being a single mother is not an easy job and you would never be able to provide for your children as two parents would be able to. Nothing personal, but you seem to have made up your mind about the matter or wish to justify the opinion you've already made. I support the suggestion of counseling as a last ditch effort to save a marriage. Yes you can get a divorce for whatever reason you want, but as you said there is no abuse here and there is nothing 'wrong with him' so why not try counseling.

Imagine if a brother posted here and said I have been married for a number of years to my wife and have a couple of children. Lately,  I just don't feel that "spark" so I want want to divorce my wife. We would advise him the same, to try to save his marriage so it's not that you are a woman and "have to suffer", it is just common sense.

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« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2008 09:27 AM »

salam

Do you have someone else? I ask because you seem very sure you will get the man you love......

I'm not in your position, but if your husband the father of your children is a good person, I would try counselling, and then do istikhara really, the thought of bringing up children on your own may seem very easy. The reality may not be so.

It's your life of course.



Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2008 12:52 PM »

As salaamu alaikum

I'm probably not the one to speak but....yes it is difficult being a single parent; however I disagree that a single parent cannot provide for children as well as two parents.  When I was married although we were both working I was the one that was still ultimately responsible because he was a bum and was too busy running the streets.  As such if anything I was in more debt in a two-income household than I am in a single-income one.  My children are better provided for by my own hands than they ever were when there were two of us. 

Remaining in a loveless marriage does just as much if not more harm to the children than breaking free from it.  Sadly what there is is the stigma attached to a divorced woman since the belief is that she is the one that was at fault even if the reality is vastly difficult so often women remain in the marriage and the man adds another wife.

Have you talked to your husband to express your feelings?  I ask this because he simply may be unaware of how you feel.  And through discussion things may change in positive ways.  Couples counselling can only work if both parties are willing and even with that any good counselor will not recommend remaining in something that cannot be fixed.  Yes the rate of divorce in the ummah is on the rise but that I believe has a lot to do with choosing partners for the wrong reasons - superficial ones or even familial pressure.

Despite how things have developed in general no one's rights overshadow the others; there is balance when the rights and obligations of men and women are reviewed.

As salaamu alaikum

Fa'izah

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« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2008 12:54 PM »

Salaam...

Divorce, while permissible, is also intensely disliked by Allah.  

Other than counseling, how about trying to fall in love with him?  I mean really...I don't believe that love exists without determination and effort.  Certainly long-term, committed love cannot.  Try talking to him.

Wasalaam.
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« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2008 01:47 PM »

Assalamo elikuim
I agree with Sr.JustOne(Mashallah such a mature advice from someone young:) ).
Sr.Anon may Allah swt put love in your heart for your husband and vice versa.
In life (and  married life) there are ups and downs  and nobody is in 'love' all the time Smiley 


Wasalam
tq
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« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2008 01:57 PM »

as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,

dear anonymous, I have to admit that I see a lot of sense in the ideas the other sisters have posted... Of course, we don't know all the details of your situation and how intense your feelings are, how much it is affecting you and your happiness and your spiritual state... so we can only give advice in a general way, for you to think about and apply to your own situation...

Something to keep in mind is that sometimes the emotion or stress of a situation makes us lose a sense of the bigger picture, or fade our ability to put things in the proper context or in an objective light...  there are times when I've really really gotten upset with my husband and felt like some of his negative qualities were inexcusable; but after some time of thinking and reflection, and putting those things in the context of the good qualities that he has, I began to have a more forgiving attitude towards him and an appreciation for the overall goodness within him...

All I can say is, good men are hard to find these days... if your husband is loving to you, and he is a good father to your children, those are really wonderful and beautiful qualities that are sometimes overlooked -- and they are things some women really wish and pray to Allah on a daily basis that their husbands would develop.  Also, we live in a society in which love and romance is linked with heat/excitement/ 'in the moment' sort of dreamy feelings and thoughts... whereas sometimes true love is a quieter thing, that is nourished by every day acts of goodness and kindness towards each other...

I am sure that you are thinking very seriously about all these issues.  My advice would be to take things slowly, get other people's advice (especially other women who have been married for a long time), and make lots of duaa that Allah guide you to the best decision.  

I know that many imams have their failings in terms of counseling and advice, but some of them do have a lot of wisdom and experience and are not always so biased -- maybe you can try to find one that you trust and that seems balanced, to talk to and get advice from.

Allah knows best.

take care,

your sister

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« Reply #9 on: May 13, 2008 02:06 PM »

salam

Do you have someone else? I ask because you seem very sure you will get the man you love......

Wassalaam

A very key question on the issue here.

There is actually no guarantee that you will get the man you love.  A possibility?  Yes. 

From your message, your husband is faultless.  I guess he also provides for the family as well.  He is not abusive.  Marriage entails sharing and communicating unless there is a breakdown somewhere within it.  It also seems that he is not aware of your feelings.  I agree with all here who have suggested counselling if not with an Imam then with someone else you trust perhaps?  Counselling is benefitial if both parties are involved.  I think the first step would be to let him know how you feel.  Do you feel this way because there is someone else?  Or do you feel this way with just him and would like to be out of the marriage and hope to find someone you love later on? 

Talk to him.  Find out how he feels after you disclose your feelings.  Love is not everything.  May be you crave a particular attention from him.  May be I am wrong.

I am probably the last person if not in the world, perhaps on this board to venture an opinion on an issue like this.

Forgive me if my post offends you in anyway.

Halima

The Almighty Allah says,

"When a servant thinks of Me, I am near.
When he invokes Me, I am with him.
If he reflects on Me in secret, I reply in secret,
And if he acknowledges Me in an assembly,
I acknowledge him in a far superior assembly."

- Prophet Muhammad (SAW), as reptd by Abu Huraira
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« Reply #10 on: May 13, 2008 04:57 PM »

As-Salaamu `alaykum,
Dear Sister,

Yes, I also feel that there is no right or wrong answer to this, but whatever you are comfortable with. I am just wondering if you meant that you don’t like your husband at all and you are trying to be polite by saying that you are so different?

Moreover, there is no teaching in Islam that places a burden on a man or a woman to remain in a marriage to which he or she did not consent ... so if a woman cannot bear to live with her husband, then she has the right to free herself from the marriage bond by returning to him the mahr.

Nonetheless, I'd strongly suggest that you try to work things out with your husband and if you still don't want to be with him then you may want to go your separate ways ... because if you're unhappy, you'll passed on your unhappiness to your children.

I hope this helps insha`Allah,

Take care,
W`salaam.

"...Surely my prayer and my sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds..." (Qur'an, 6:162)
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