// Need help - arranged marriage
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Anonymous
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« on: Sep 15, 2013 02:52 PM »


i need help because i fear my parents may be pressuring me into an arranged marriage.
my dad says he will kick me out if i dont do it. thing is the arrangment has been made since i was quite young and i have always felt that i had to be obliged to do this by my parents.

i have seen a picture of her and shes okay but thats not the point, i fear that we dont have anything in common and add to the fact that both my uncles have had 2 divorces each doesnt fill me with excitement.

in a perfect world i would meet a girl of whom i like very much, get married, have a ton of kids and live happily ever after but its not a perfect world and there is stuff like this to deal with.

i think im doing the right thing, well i hope i am anyways. what do you folks think?

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« Reply #1 on: Sep 15, 2013 03:25 PM »

If you dont want to, then most certainly do not do it.

Move out of home if that's what your parents want.

But under no circumstances marry where you personally do not wish to.

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #2 on: Sep 15, 2013 07:23 PM »

Agreed with the above.

Do not, under any circumstances, ruin 2 lives (and possibly more, should you have kids in this marriage-bound-for-failure).

I think you are pretty crazy to not give her a chance and to harm your relationship with your father in the process (him threatening you doesn't sound healthy) - and there are other ways to work it (for instance you could tell your dad exactly what you wrote here, and ask instead to meet the girl -with family, or chaperoned- before having to make the decision), BUT do not marry her in the current set up.
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« Reply #3 on: Sep 16, 2013 06:40 PM »

I second the previous advice. Talk to her, if it doesn't work out, explain it to your dad and move out if NOTHING works. But certainly give it a shot, it's not ALWAYS that parents are wrong. And you don't know her at all, right? There is the chance, no matter how small it might be, that you might actually like her.

It's strange though, a brother being pressured, always heard of girls having to deal with that problem, never guys.
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« Reply #4 on: Sep 16, 2013 06:58 PM »



I used to work with a guy who was taken back home for a holiday and forced into a marriage he wasn't happy about.

When he returned. He point blank refused to call or speak to her or consider applying for her to come over. He said he intended to divorce her first opportunity.

As a parent I cannot imagine what kind of heart would force a reluctant child to marry against their will.

By all means speak with the girl, show your parents you're giving her a chance, but if its no then don't do it.


Also do istikhara it makes the correct path easy by the will of Allah.

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #5 on: Sep 16, 2013 08:50 PM »

Parents need to understand one thing. Their advice and blessings are essential and every child needs them, but they should know that no individual lives another individual's life. Because it worked during their time, doesn't mean it must work at this time. They believe love would gradually build up after the marriage, but there are also chances it might not.

Sometimes we ourselves make myopic choices we later regret. That's why consultation, especially on marriage issues, is important which can be with friends, coworkers and most-importantly, parents.

I for one believe that using authority/power to force someone into a relationship is in most cases counterproductive. The person could have been naturally content with it, but because it came as a command, the natural way of developing love would be impaired. In the end, even if he conformed to the directive, he will never blame himself for anything that would later go wrong.

Islam taught us to be kind and loyal to our parents but that doesn't mean they should use the opportunity to dictate what we do. As others advised, the best thing is to see if things will work out. If she is good and she fits your criteria that's fine - obedience to your parent and happy marriage. If you do it only for their sake then things may backfire. You may end up in terrible marriage which may result in separation or you considering marrying a second.

I pray things work out for you.

"Whoever rejects false deities and believes in Allah has grasped a firm handhold which will never break." Q 2:256"
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« Reply #6 on: Sep 17, 2013 04:33 PM »

Some really solid advice given here.

I hear your pain and understand that it is a difficult situation to be in.  Stuck between a rock and a hard place.  You need to work out what it is you want and then investigate the ways in which to achieve it with minimal pain to everyone involved. 

Although you can't please everyone all of the the time, you don't want to burn bridges permanently.  Your parents are your parents and deep down inside their hearts, no parent wants their child to be unhappy, no matter how gruff their exterior may appear to be. 

If your concern is that you may have nothing in common with this girl, then explain this to your parents and ask them for the opportunity to get to know her.  If they are serious about it, they may be more than delighted to help facilitate such a process.   If you can't talk to your dad, then talk to your mum.  Explain things to them in a calm, rationale and respectful manner. 

If they understand how serious you are they may be more willing to listen. Remember to stay calm and respectful.  This is a very delicate situation and if you get emotional, then you may find yourself in a worse pickle. 

It is not uncommon for guys to be in this situation.   Sometimes it works out well and everyone is happy, sometimes it doesn't and there is a lot of misery. Sadly, I've seen it a few times.  In one case the boy ended up divorcing his wife and leaving the family and refuses to have anything to do with his parents or his siblings.    It is extremely sad for all concerned. Especially the girl he married.  She had to go back home and start over.  For some cultures this is a huge thing.

Be brave and approach your parents and try and make them understand things from your perspective.  If talking is difficult, you could always try writing a letter.  Writing things down often gives you the chance to say what you want to say without being interrupted and or losing your nerve.

May Allah swt. make things work out for you, the girl and your parents Inshaallah. 



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« Reply #7 on: Sep 17, 2013 05:48 PM »

I hear a lot of guys say 'Oh I can't marry this girl I really like and have been involved with for X (SOMETIMES YEARS!) because I'm FORCED by my parents to marry my cousin or whoever they like etc'. Come on, be a man. I honestly can't see how a guy can be forced. He's going to kick you out? Hopefully you'll be done with school and on your own soon anyway right?
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