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News: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single muslim man is in want of a muslim wife.
 


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Siham
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« on: Mar 01, 2014 06:56 PM »


As-Salaamu` alaykum,
This article is from the huffington post. I modified it a bit for the Madina and it’s applicable to both genders -- SubhanAllah as a non-Muslim she bring up some really good pointers, which reminds me of a straight talk on Tazkiyat an-Nafs.  Enjoy!

Peace,
Siham

Why You're Not Married?
Tracy McMillan
You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to this predicament. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.

Well, I know why.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on. So without further ado, let's look at the top nine reasons why you're not married.


1. You’re Angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed.  At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.


2. You’re Shallow.
 When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.


3. You’re a Liar.
 It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really for a relationship right now.”

You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you are not ready for marriage too! You love having your freedom! Instead, you hang around, waiting for him to figure out that he can’t live without you. I have news: he will never “figure” this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn’t be lying to him in the first place.


4. You’re Selfish. 
If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.


5. You’re Not Good Enough. 
Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son’s artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you’re trying to be. They’re attractive, sure. They’re just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character.

Alright, so that’s the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, curry eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:    

Love.
 

6. You're a Mess. You overeat. You overspend. You under-earn. Whatever it is, there's (at least) one big thing in your life -- an attitude, a behavior, a vice -- that you absolutely, for sure, under-no-circumstances want to let go of. And the bad news is, that is the ONE THING you absolutely, for-sure, under-no-circumstances WILL NOT be able to keep. At least not if you want to move forward. The sneaky part is that this thing holding you back feels like it is making your life more bearable! It's also telling you that you're fine! So how do you know if something is a problem? Easy. YOU'RE KEEPING IT A SECRET. If there's something you can't (or don't want) to tell your mom, your best friend -- you can be sure it's getting in the way of having your best relationship.


7. You're Crazy. Crazy is where you LOVE INTENSITY. You want life to bring the exclamation points!!!!!!! Normal people, and relationships? Big, noisy YAWN. You think of yourself more like Angelina Jolie when she was with Billy Bob. Crazy is where you use your cell phone like an automatic weapon. You meet, fight and break up -- all by text message. Another sign you've got the crazies is if you are constantly telling long, involved stories in the break room about what happened this past weekend. You think your listeners are wowed and they are, but to them it's like watching an episode of "Fear Factor." Who doesn't want to watch another person eat bugs? In fact, a sure-fire way to know you're crazy is if more than one person has told you you'd be great on a reality show -- and you agree with them.


8. You're a Dude. It's not that you love the Cardinals, have short hair, or make more money than most guys. It's that, when it comes to relationships, you want to hunt them down and kill them. You call guys, you text guys, you ask guys out. hoping that if you rock a guy's world, you'll get hired full-time. And it's not working for you, because right now, you are in a long-term, committed relationship with EXACTLY NONE of those dudes.

Am I saying you should join a quilting circle? Wear ruffles all the time? Um, no. But you might want to see what it's like to let the game come to you. Because there's one requirement above all others a guy needs to possess to be your man: he has to REALLY WANT to be in a relationship with you. (Duh!)

Fortunately, there's a foolproof way to find out just how much of a crap a guy gives: he will 1) ask for your contact information, and 2) HE WILL USE IT RIGHT AWAY. (Do not try to tell yourself he waited two weeks to call text you because he probably had to visit his grandmother in Milwaukee! Guys bring their phones to Milwaukee.) Prequalifying a man like this will prevent the mortgage meltdown that is your love life. Because at the end of the day, you don't need to know if a guy wants to donate his sperm to you. (The answer will probably be Oh, hell yes.) You want to know if he's willing to send your egg to college. And if a guy doesn't feel like taking you on a hala-date, THE ANSWER IS NO.


9. You're Not Spiritual. Remember how I said that marriage is a spiritual path? Well, we're there. The point where I suggest something totally radical and punk-rock as a way of transforming whatever it is you have going on (or don't have going on) in the area of relationships. And here it is: I want you to get a God.

Wait, come back! It's not necessarily what you think. What do I mean by God? Well, I don't mean a bearded dude in the sky who is going to give you a Mercedes and a husband if you're good and punish you if you're bad. That would be Santa Claus.

I mean I want you to cultivate a sense of SPIRIT in your life, a relationship with the intangible, the unseen -- the power behind the oceans, gravity, chocolate and the Beatles. You know, the thing you experience in life where the hair stands up on your arms? The Big Something. You could just call it Allah-- it's the game changer. Because when you mix the idea of spirit into your relationships, it no longer matters how many men are, techincally, out there. No more demographics, no more short guys and tall guys or chicks with cankles or ten extra pounds. There are no more lists of things you think you have to have in a mate. There are only two people on a spiritual assignment: TO LOVE EACH OTHER.



"...Surely my prayer and my sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds..." (Qur'an, 6:162)
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« Reply #1 on: Mar 02, 2014 01:04 PM »

Wsalam,

I read the article and do not think it applies to Muslim single women at all. It's also really offensive, not just to Muslim women but to non-Muslim women as well. Once again, it's interesting how the "state of being single" is always turned back and blamed on women, as if it's constantly their fault. That they're 'too angry', 'too fat', 'too educated', 'not submissive enough'. etc etc. They don't meet the boxes designed by culture, parents and men, and therefore this is their fault. This is ridiculous. The reasons why a woman is not married are as varied and complex as the women themselves.

But just to give some examples of why certain sisters I know are not married contrary to the article:

1. They live in areas where there are very few Muslim brothers to meet.
2. They are at a certain level of Islamic practice and the brothers are not. (ie girls pray, don't drink alcohol)
3. Cultural and nationality limits are imposed.
4. Beauty expectations and expectations of parents can't be met.
5. They are more educated and successful than their counterparts.

I mean I can just go on and on here, and give you many first hand accounts, not just of good sisters trying to find husbands, but one's who have actually been pressured enough to marry someone wrong for them and what happened after.

The topic is a complex nuanced one that involves culture, expectations, circumstance and reality, and can't be boiled down to 'she's angry that's why she isn't married'.

--------------

By the way I dare anyone to find a match for a beautiful, single, practicing dark-skinned African-American girl in our communities. Now tell me it's her fault for not being married.
kungfupanda
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« Reply #2 on: Mar 02, 2014 02:33 PM »

The above can apply to both men and women with a slight change.

But live in areas with very few Muslim women too. Men go off to work. And when they do they have no problems with importing a freshy.
Women do have a problem with that and look down of freshys.
So women find it harder to marry than men.

You will never ever get two people who are at exactly the same level of Islamic practice. But men are more willing to marry a lady with a lesser level than the other way.
They say they do so with the intention of fixing her.
It is understandable that women wont marry a man who drinks and doesn't pray. But to get a Hafiza who will marry a non-Hafiz or a Alima who will marry a non-Alim is near impossible even if he does pray 5 times a day.

I have a word for cultural and nationality limits. That word is racism. People who use that as an excuse to remain single have themselves to blame, and I have no sympathies for them be they male or female.

Some women are not attractive. That is a fact. And some men are not attractive. that is a fact. Such people may find it harder to get married. But it is kind of hypocritical when a woman complains about how men wont marry her because she is fat when she wont marry men who are short. She can do something about being fat but the guy is stuck with being short.

If a woman refuses to marry someone less educated than her, but at the same time complains about not being able to fin single guys more educated than her. I think it is her who says she has chosen to become too educated?

Some people both men and women can find a partner easily just the way they are. Others need to change to be accepted to a partner, or change their criteria for choosing one.
It isn't such a strange concept is it?

If you do know of a perfect African American sister, make the first step, by introducing her to the single men of your own family.

I have told single women of my family about black converts. They didn't marry them, but I did recommend the brothers. I think the fact that people think guys would say no to blacks is more of an issue than guys actually saying no. I have a black convert uncle, and yes the marriage was arranged by older members of my family.
Not all Muslims are bigots.
An when guys say no to girls it isn't always about race. Black friends have asked me to marry their sisters, but when I said no it was because they asked me when I was too young, or their sisters were too ugly.
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« Reply #3 on: Mar 02, 2014 04:06 PM »



Moderatesufi again?

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #4 on: Mar 02, 2014 07:51 PM »

I completely agree with Jannah, this is an extremely offensive article whether you are a woman OR a man! It's belittling, superior, and angrily written. What kind of a person is it who would write this? Can you imagine if someone went around saying this stuff out loud to people and claiming it was 'advice'? "Oh brother, the reason you ain't married is because, quite frankly, you're a shallow stupid nonspiritual liar?"

It's true that sometimes people aren't married because personality and lifestyle-wise, they aren't ready. But this CERTAINLY is not the way to show them, particularly if they are practicing Muslims trying to get married Islamically, who I doubt are anything like the adjectives used here! If you're really looking to help singles in getting married, then there are articles on Suhaibwebb that are about 10000000000000x better than this.
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« Reply #5 on: Mar 02, 2014 10:31 PM »

What kind of a person is it who would write this?

A honest person.

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« Reply #6 on: Mar 02, 2014 10:58 PM »

What kind of a person is it who would write this?

A honest person.

No, a rude, superior person who can't be bothered looking at realities, but prefers to sit behind a computer screen and judge others from afar.
kungfupanda
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« Reply #7 on: Mar 02, 2014 11:08 PM »

No, I think you will find she is a famous American author.

She is the script writer of Life on Mars, as well as many others.

When women make it to the top, no one likes to bad mouth them more than other women if they dare to say something other women do not want to hear.
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« Reply #8 on: Mar 02, 2014 11:50 PM »

No, I think you will find she is a famous American author.

She is the script writer of Life on Mars, as well as many others.

When women make it to the top, no one likes to bad mouth them more than other women if they dare to say something other women do not want to hear.

I'm sorry, Mr. Wikipedia, but she is completely unknown. She leads a reality tv dating show, which make all of their money off of telling single women and men that their singlehood is a problem that only their tv show can solve - and these tv shows make all their money by hosts who make nasty statement such as these, banking on people enjoying watching others' humiliation to feel better about themselves. For prime example, she's also written an article defending the consumerism of Valentine's Day - ho hum, I wonder why? It's new to me  if such people have suddenly become authorities on relationships, particularly Muslim ones!
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« Reply #9 on: Mar 03, 2014 11:07 AM »

She might be unknown to you. But I'm sure all of us have heard of Life on Mars?

But who she is is not relivant to whether what she says is right or wrong.
I view it as simple honesty. And sometimes the truth hurts.
I will go through what she wrote point by point.

1: Men are scared of angry women? True, men do not find that attractive at all. She is not saying, "if you are single it is because you are angry", I think she is just giving one possibility.
In the business world anger and aggression are admired. You will get the Job and you will get promoted and can even end up at the top when you show this. But show this to a man you want to marry, and he will go elsewhere to find a wife. He is not looking for a boss, he already has that. He is not looking for a mother, he already has that. He is looking for a wife. Show him you will treat him like he is the boss.

2: Lots of males are shallow. And if someone posted something here about men being shallow, no one would disagree. Infact many people will agree and give examples. But the fact that she hints at the possibility that some women can be shallow too makes some women very angry. Yes, some men are single because they are shallow, some women are single because they are shallow. There are shallow people out there.

3 is to do with dating.

4 is true! If you tell a man at the meeting "after marriage I want this, I want that, I wont do this, I wont do that". First thing that will come to his mind, is, "what is in it for me?".
How do you expect him to choose you over someone else unless you tell him what you are offering him. You will probably not be the only woman he knows about. If you give more demands than other women and offer him less than other women, he will pick another woman and not you.

5. You’re Not Good Enough. Well yes. it happens. Sometimes there might be a guy who is good enough for you, and you are not good enough for him. It happens. Get over it and move on. Pick from the guys who you are good enough for. It happens the other way too. Probably more often. This guy has less education than me. That guy earns less than me. I'm a hafiza/Alima and he isn't. Guys have as much right not to chose you as you have not to chose them.

6 yes some people are a mess. Tidy up before the meeting. It is Halal to use make up for that meeting. And men, it is Sunnah to comb your hair.
I did have paint stains on my clothes when I went to meet my wife, do not follow my example, it doesn't always work.

7 common sense. But some people don't have any.

8, yes some women do behave like men, and some men do behave like girls. They do end up single or worse.

9, if your not practicing, practicing partners might not choose you. Guys grow your beards, ladies put on your hijab/Niqab.
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« Reply #10 on: Mar 03, 2014 01:42 PM »

She isn't the script writer for life of on mars, she has credits for contributing to scriptwriting for shows including life on mars.

Shows tend to have several scriptwriters.

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #11 on: Mar 04, 2014 12:24 PM »

OK, I understand the way I write, and to some the way I speak in the real world might seem a bit confrontational. So I am going to try and say what I did in a different tone in the hope some sisters will think about it.

No one is saying there is anything wrong with you if you choose to be single. That is your right. Just as some men choose to remain single for whatever reason. Some women may choose to do so too. I agree it is unfair that no one looks down on men who live for their jobs instead of starting a family but look down on women who choose that.

Most men end up getting married and most women end up getting married. So if you are not married and would like to be the question is, "why do they pick the other girl instead of me", not "Men, what is wrong with them, they are wrong not to choose me".

Just as women know why women choose men, men know why men choose women. Men are the best people to ask why men choose women. Because most of us have done it.

Women often misunderstand why they are rejected.
They also misunderstand why Muslim men reject them, and decide to believe media stereotypes about Muslim men.
In the UK Most Muslim women are more educated than Muslim men. Not Just the UK, but also in many Muslim countries such as Saudi Arabia. Even Afghanistan under the Taliban had more female Medical students than men. But most of these women who are on average more qualified than men get married.
Why do those women better qualified than men get married?
Because they are willing to settle for men less qualified then themselves. If they didn't they would all have to fight over the small base of men better qualified then themselves. And when all the better qualified men are taken, some women will remain on the shelves.

You might find is surprising, but most men in the UK do not mind their wives working. They don't mind them having a career. So why are so many career women left single?
It isn't the Job or the career that men mind, but the attitude that sometimes comes with it.
Remember most career women are married. Men say yes to them.
Men refuse to marry a minority of them.
They do so when they think the woman will put her career before him and their marriage.
So you can say, "I would like to keep working", but you can't do anything to indicate that you love your Job more than you do him, like start the conversation with "I want it in the contract, if you stop me working I have the power of divorce".
Yes you have the right to put that in the contract, but to be honest with you, I don't think I have ever met a man who would agree to marry you if you spoke to him like that. I repeat most men wont have a problem with you working, but all men will have serious issues with someone demanding the right of divorce just before marriage.

Look, you all see me as a sexist. And extremely traditional in some aspects. I wont deny that. But if a guy like me, lets his wife work, most other guys would do so too. Few if any males are more sexist than me. I have that title.

I admit personally didn't like the idea of marrying someone who would work after the marriage. And when a proposal was sent to me from my wife who had already graduated while I was still in University I didn't like the idea of it. So didn't want to go. I thought what most men do about working women and about women who are better qualified than them. I went to the meeting, expecting to reject her. For those reasons. But what she said to me was, "I have worked very hard on this, it means a lot to me and would like to continue it, but if it gets in the way of the marriage I will leave it".

Those are the key issues. Firstly, tell him why your career means so much to you. Secondly, tell him the marriage and family will mean more to you than the career.
You need to show that you will do what it takes to make the marriage work. Not demand escape clauses, already planning your way out just encase it doesn't.
Yes you have the right to demand the right of divorce, but put yourself in a guys shoes. If two women, one demands the right of divorce to be used if the marriage gets in the way of her work, and the other stating, I really want to continue working, but will leave it if it gets in the way of the marriage. Who would you choose if you were a guy?
If you think you can make the marriage work while you continue to work, wont that become clear after the marriage?

 
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« Reply #12 on: Mar 14, 2014 09:13 PM »

Quote
looking for a boss, he already has that. He is not looking for a mother, he already has that. He is looking for a wife. Show him you will treat him like he is the boss.

sorry to disappoint you bro, but my husband may be the boss at work, but he is definitely not the boss at our home… Tongue

"...Surely my prayer and my sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds..." (Qur'an, 6:162)
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