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Author Topic: A Few Good Men: American Muslim women bemoan lack of ‘good’ male suitors Pr  (Read 10337 times)
Ehsan
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« Reply #25 on: Jun 30, 2008 10:06 PM »

Assalamualaikum,

I was a bit apprehensive about making this very point, but im glad a sister came forward and did. I couldnt agree more! The blog gives me the impression of a desperado, very picky and choosy and manages to meet many women who 1) either do not suit his tastes 2) dissinterested in him.

Theres more to this dunya than picking miss perfect, and indeed it is extremely difficult to find every quality in one single woman, and even then, the husband and wife will have aspects which will be disliked by each other. The whole strength of the marriage is how you cope in dealing with these dislikes, not how well you like one another - thats the easy bit.

Wallahu Alim


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« Reply #26 on: Jul 22, 2008 04:32 PM »

Assalamu'alaikum,

The whole world is Allah's and I think we need to shift the way we see the problem.

It's not about N. American sisters who have difficulty getting married. It's about Muslim women, in general, the world over, mainly in urban areas who have difficulty in getting married.

In many places, there are more Muslim women filling up universities than Muslim men. There are more Muslim women filling up the masajid to learn than Muslim men. There are more Muslim women playing an active role in their communities more than men.

With the shift of gender roles and expectations, the ummah shouldn't see this as a problem restricted to their geographical boundary and what is already so ingrained in their minds.

As such, it's not so much about Muslim men marrying from "back home" that contributes to this problem. Because, if that "back home" sister is an intelligent, devout woman brimming with beautiful qualities, than, that brother is one successful brother who has found a good woman for his children. And it is one less sister who won't be single any longer.

And if the problem is about the more "secluded" places that we live. Then, that's really a logistical problem, which is easier to be solved.

From my personal and limited observation, it's changing how we think as an individual and as a society that is a big roadblock.

There are priorities in marriage and choosing the prospective spouses that men (and women) should sort out within themselves. It's about raising ourselves above from our personal wants to what benefits the ummah by our marriages.

Hence, if brothers who are serious and sincerely want to fulfil the role of having the "qawam". Then, reflect if you are being frivolous about the beauty and age aspect. See the beauty of a sister for who she truly is and how this could help you best. And seriously, one can't see true beauty if one only knows and is satisfied with a fake one.

And as for sisters, I think we need *A LOT* of reflection and muhasabah. Has there been any brother whom we were satisfied with his deen but we rejected him for no good reason? Is our role and life on earth limited to being a wife? 

A thread on "It's not raining eligible men" actually prompted this response, but my response doesn't seem to fit that thread.

Being single could adversely affect our iman, or it could raise it even more. Again, its about what is our orientation in life and what our priorities are. And the sort of purity, determination and strength that we build and ask for in our hearts from the Owner of all hearts.

Allahua'lam

   


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« Reply #27 on: Aug 10, 2008 12:06 AM »

With the shift of gender roles and expectations, the ummah shouldn't see this as a problem restricted to their geographical boundary and what is already so ingrained in their minds.


From my personal and limited observation, it's changing how we think as an individual and as a society that is a big roadblock.

There are priorities in marriage and choosing the prospective spouses that men (and women) should sort out within themselves. It's about raising ourselves above from our personal wants to what benefits the ummah by our marriages.

Hence, if brothers who are serious and sincerely want to fulfil the role of having the "qawam". Then, reflect if you are being frivolous about the beauty and age aspect. See the beauty of a sister for who she truly is and how this could help you best. And seriously, one can't see true beauty if one only knows and is satisfied with a fake one.

And as for sisters, I think we need *A LOT* of reflection and muhasabah. Has there been any brother whom we were satisfied with his deen but we rejected him for no good reason? Is our role and life on earth limited to being a wife? 

Being single could adversely affect our iman, or it could raise it even more. Again, its about what is our orientation in life and what our priorities are. And the sort of purity, determination and strength that we build and ask for in our hearts from the Owner of all hearts.


Some valid points are raised here.  Wonder where the shifts in gender roles came from aside from the obvious - that women have to take care of themselves a lot more these days.

In the ideal world the superficial would be put back in its place but we don't live in the ideal world.  But far too often people (brothers moreso than sisters) are more concerned about what others will think so they need to make sure they are able to put on a show and put something (or rather someone) on display.  Eye candy trumps good character anyday in this day.  The ones that claim they don't look for the superficial aren't always truthful and their choices reveal that.

Indeed being single can impact a person's iman.  The single sister who had no responsibilities except those she chooses is in a better position to focus more on her iman and growing spiritually; whereas the single sister who has other responsibilities (job and running a household and raising children) is forced to focus more on these worldly things for the sake of actual survival and therefore has less time and energy for strengthening herself spiritually no matter how much she wants and needs to.  Yet these are the same sisters who would benefit from marriage and are the ones who are more often rejected except by the brothers that they are totally incompatible with. 

The suggestion that sisters need to do a lot of reflecting on "did they find a brother whose deen they were satisfied with but reject him anyway" isn't entirely fair because part of sound deen is being able to be financially responsible so if you find a brother who can do all those requisite Islamic things but he's unemployed and broke how could he be a viable choice at that moment? 

Fa'izah
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« Reply #28 on: Aug 10, 2008 08:59 PM »

Indeed being single can impact a person's iman.  The single sister who had no responsibilities except those she chooses is in a better position to focus more on her iman and growing spiritually; whereas the single sister who has other responsibilities (job and running a household and raising children) is forced to focus more on these worldly things for the sake of actual survival and therefore has less time and energy for strengthening herself spiritually no matter how much she wants and needs to.  Yet these are the same sisters who would benefit from marriage and are the ones who are more often rejected except by the brothers that they are totally incompatible with. 

Yes, singlehood can impact a person's iman. So does being married. And so does being a parent etc.

Yet, I deeply believe that Allah, The Most Just would not cause one group to be disadvantaged spiritually over another group just because He willed more challenges to surface in the former's life.

I think apart from the exceptions, most single sisters would benefit from marriage, regardless of their status and challenges. If what you mean is that single mothers would benefit more than those who are never married, then in our limited perspective, yes, they could. And so would older, devout sisters over younger, but ignorant ones. These are priorities that society should place upon, but as you said, the reality beholds otherwise.

To counter the product of messy social engineering or whatever we call it, is to make best of what Allah has willed upon us. If ALlah has not willed marriage on us, that is not justification for us to swim in heedlessness or a perpetual excuse for a weak iman. Yes keeping up with our iman may be harder, less time for zikr, less time for this and that. But that is living - a continous struggle.  And marriage per se would not miraculously cause one to be in higher station of closeness to Allah if one's singlehood is spent in the other direction.



The suggestion that sisters need to do a lot of reflecting on "did they find a brother whose deen they were satisfied with but reject him anyway" isn't entirely fair because part of sound deen is being able to be financially responsible so if you find a brother who can do all those requisite Islamic things but he's unemployed and broke how could he be a viable choice at that moment? 


My statement was not said in a vacumn. Certainly there are "disclaimers", "pre-requisites", "context" etc. And when I said "deen", I do mean "deen" in its comprehensive meaning, and not just in one who is seems devout in fulfilling the rituals of Islam.

And that's where reflection comes into play.

My post is not to blame, but for us to find a way out. For our hearts to be disturbed by the corruption that human beings have caused, but yet, be at peace with what Allah has willed.


Allahua'lam
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