// How much hate can you bear?
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Anonymous
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« on: Jul 19, 2008 09:42 PM »


Salam aleykum sisters and brothers...

Some time ago, I had an argument with someone I trusted very much, and in that argument discovered that the person has betrayed my trust and faith in our friendship. After that, I hated this person, and wish that we've never met. We're no longer friends.

I would imagine that after some time, the anger would dissipate and I would be able to overcome the anger... unfortunately, as time passed, the anger grew into hate. We used to study in the same school, and whenever we run into each other, I could feel my heart racing and if looks could kill, that person has probably died a hundred times already by now.

I don't understand this. I've asked Allah most Gracious for guidance, but I still don't know why this is happening. I think I'm wasting my time with this anger/hate situation. I'm tired. I just want to banish this person totally from my life and mind. Any idea how I can do this, apart from making duah to Allah, understanding the why and lastly make efforts to overcome it.  I've done it all. What haven't I done?

Your desperate sister.


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Abdurahman
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Oh Allah, Guide us to the Straight Path.


« Reply #1 on: Jul 20, 2008 12:08 AM »

Asalamualaikum wrt,


All praise be to Allah,


Sister in Islam,


It is not permissible to abandon one's brother or sister in Islam (ie. refuse to give them salaams and ignore them) for more than 3 days.   By doing so one is sinful, and the first to begin with the salaams is the better of the two.

The thoughts and feelings you are having from the Shaitan.  You should begin by seeking refuge in Allah from the accursed Shaitan.

The next thing you should do is work on is removing the hatred from your heart.  The Prophet, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, once pointed out a man who was from the people of Jannah.  The Sahabah stayed with him and noticed that he didn't fast all the time nor stay up all night in prayer.  So finally they asked him what the secret was between him and Allah, and he said "I never go to sleep at night with hatred in my heart for any believer."

Forgiveness is highly encouraged in Islam.  The Messenger, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him said, "Have mercy for those on earth, the One in the Heavens will have mercy on you."

And Allah most High says, "Forgive, and command goodness, and turn aside from the ignorant."

Pray for the guidance of your sister in Islam, and remember that in the Aakhirah Allah will compensate you for any wrongs that were done to you.


May Allah put love between the hearts of all the believers and forgive us for our shortcomings.


And Allah knows best.

Be merciful to those on earth, and the One in the Heavens will be merciful to you.
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« Reply #2 on: Jul 21, 2008 12:19 AM »

salam

My advice for what its worth come completely from a personal point of view.

The only way you are going to get over your anger is by coming to terms with the fact that this person who you fought with did what they did and you cannot change it.
This is easy for me to say as I'm not in your shoes, I am also the person who has never ever felt so strongly about anyone/thing as to be able to feel such strong emotions.

The best life is one lived well, it will probably annoy ex-friend more to see you happy and getting on with your life, dont get ground down in bitterness you'll miss out on living your life.

Just remember this persons behaviour for next time, and be a little more guarded when making friends next time.


Wassalaam

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright. Surah 2  Verse 186
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« Reply #3 on: Jul 22, 2008 11:51 PM »

 As a human being we all make mistakes.

It is not fair to hate the person but his/her deed

we can abandon and stop dealing with if we find we are not in the same direction .So its that easy to get rid of what we hate but we cant get rid of who we hate specially when that person is an ex-friend or  relative etc.

Try to expect mistakes and faults from all you deal  with  .If you pass in this kind of test you would only hate deeds but not the indivdual
 Smiley



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« Reply #4 on: Jul 23, 2008 01:13 PM »

I think the key is to know what gender each of you are.

You were very vague in your post, possibly purposely so.

If you're a girl, and he's a guy ... just drop it.  Don't worry about those looks could kill stares - nothing you can do about it. 

Otherwise:

Don't hate him/her, but don't force yourself to forgive him/her.  Time is the healer of all things.  And give it 6 months, things will get better inshaAllah (provided you don't continue to meet or correspond with the person and allow him/her to reignite those old feelings)

Wasalaam.
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« Reply #5 on: Jul 23, 2008 05:14 PM »

salaam

just one is right, your post is vague. If you are talking about a 'boy girl' deal she is right.

Quote
The best life is one lived well, it will probably annoy ex-friend more to see you happy and getting on with your life, dont get ground down in bitterness you'll miss out on living your life.
Fozia has some really good advice, this being a good reminder altho it is hard.

I think we all can only tell you from our experiences.  How you feel is very similar to how I felt about a person except for the last part.

Once long ago when we are children I had a good friend. we were alot alike. we both went through hard times in life. As we got older (early teens) she also betrayed my trust.  It started with dislike, then went to hate.. There are others who betrayed my trust but for some reason I just hate this girl. now she is also married with children. We are nice to ea other. but the feelings dont go away. I dont knwo why.  we keep it to salaam but i know i have feelings of hate there still wehn anyone brings her name up i have to leave so I dont start gossiping, i always say you dont know her like i do.  I just have this bad feeling about her and her family, that they are troublemakers.  I think that feeling is from God though.  I dont  understand it either but I do not let it bother me with life as I ve made the assumption its from God.. After all  she is just a girl, If you are talking bout a guy/girl relationship then it can be diff. Years will pass by (for us it has been many years) and you will be able to say salaam and walk by. (the feeling may not go away) but then again I think there is a hadith which sais we will not be responsible for our feelings as long as we do not act on them.

salaam and take care
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« Reply #6 on: Jul 27, 2008 10:05 AM »



Salam alaikum wrb,

    Honorable sister,

    Hatred and ill talk are characters of ignorance. One should not respond to ignorant speech with ignorance, but respond with wisdom and knowledge. The scholars of Islam have taught us the proper etiquette in our characters, when dealing with others, including kindness, forgiveness,  humbleness, and fulfilling the rights of our brothers
and sisters. 

    In cases of argumentation, it is best to drop the subject, and move on to another topic that is beneficial, so that the knowledge is transferred from one person to another, not repulsed.

    As far as feelings of anger and hatred in the heart, it is cured by knowledge. As a person becomes more knowledgeable of the deen, the evil traits of the Nafs, such as hatred, anger, etc. are annihilated.

    There is also the issue of not expressing ones feelings on certain things, even though a person may have such strong feelings about them. In some cases it is best to remain silent, as verbalizing them would result in a person saying something ignorant and sinful.   

    And Allah knows

May Allah increase you in knowledge.
Take a look at my site:  http://www.tajwid.info

Also a good site with several mp3 durus of beneficial knowledge from our ulema, fiqh explaining the book "bulgh Maram" , Q&A, http://www.imamfaisal.com
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« Reply #7 on: Aug 01, 2008 04:24 AM »

Dear Sis Fozia,

I always look forward to your advice. I like whatever "personal point of view" that you share so willingly. My two sisters are helping me very much in this and they both agree that you are right of course. These days, I focus my life on them and spend more time strengthening our sisterly bonds, rather than to an outsider. I know this sounds a bit bitter but I think the silver lining in this is that I could realign my thoughts and priority and realise that sometimes the best things in life are right in front of you but you just don't realise it until something challenging rolls onto our path. Thank God for having not just one, but TWO lovely sisters who loves you unconditionally.

As for Bro Rahman, thanks for the quotes... I'd like to think that Allah is not going to punish me for choosing my friends, or choosing who I think I want to disregard. May Allah have mercy on me. I don't think I can be friends with everyone just because they are Muslims. I'm going to choose the moderate path and just re-focus my energy elsewhere. I can't pretend to act in a way that's totally insincere.

Thank you, once again.

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